Tips for dealing with the office busybody

Yeah, so, we have a bit of an office busybody.

We’ve all come to realize that she’s the food police, but now she is poking her nose into everyone’s business and must be stopped.

I’m fine with a little office small talk. I can live with that. Unfortunately, she’s not very good at it.

When I was pregnant, she basically called me a huge fat ass every day.

Her: [as she walks by my cube] “You have big baby.”
Me: “Umm, yeah. Thanks?”

That happened every day of my pregnancy. Seriously. I kinda hoped it would stop now that I’m not pregnant anymore, but instead she just stops at my cube every day and looks at my baby photos hanging on the wall.

Her: “You have big baby.”
Me: “Yes. I know.”
Her: “He is like 8 months old now?”
Me: “He’s almost 4 months old.” [For someone who works in the finance department, she is surprisingly bad with numbers.]
Her: “You have big baby.”
Me: [sigh]

Apparently, she’s timing how long we are in the restroom, too. A coworker used the restroom, and when he came out she said, “You were in there for a long time. What were you doing in there?”

The coworker was mortified. I haven’t seen him in a while. I suspect he left the company out of embarrassment. I think he should have responded, “I was taking a huge dump. Happy now?” It might have shut her up.

On Tuesday I kept getting a bloody nose in my cube. Unrelated, I had to leave the office early because our hot water heater was broken, and I needed to meet with a repairman to get it fixed.

Her: “You had a bloody nose yesterday.”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “Then you left early, right? I noticed you weren’t here. Was it because of your bloody nose?”

I wanted to scream, “Shut up! It’s not your business what I do!”

Me: “Umm, no. I had to go home and meet a repairman to fix my broken hot water heater.”
Her: “Oh.”
Me: “Fascinating, right? Aren’t you glad you asked?”

I don’t want to be rude to her. I’m sure she is a perfectly nice person. I think she’s just terrible at small talk. I’m thinking about trying to bore her into not concerning herself with me or what I do.

Her: “What are you eating, Sonia?”
Me: “It’s a salad. I went to Trader Joe’s yesterday. You know the parking is really terrible at the one closest to me in San Francisco, so I go to the one in Daly City. There is plenty of parking at that one. So, I found a spot right away and parked my car. It’s a Saturn. You know, they don’t make Saturns anymore. True story. So anyway, the spot was kinda far, though, so I had to walk a few minutes to the store. It was kinda cold out. I was thinking, ‘Gosh, I should have worn a warmer jacket.’ I should be wearing a warmer coat, I mean, it’s January, right? So anyway, when I got into the store, I got a cart, and wouldn’t you know it, the cart has a broken wheel, so I had to get another cart.  So, I got another cart, and then I noticed someone else was about to grab the cart I put back so I said, ‘Oh, don’t take that one. It’s got a broken wheel.’ I thought it was a friendly heads up, but the person didn’t thank me. I know, right?! So anyway, I went to the produce section first. I always like to start in the produce section, don’t you? So I got some lettuce and some broccoli and some carrots and some blueberries. I had the blueberries for breakfast. You ever eat a blueberry and it tastes like dirt? I hate when that happens. So anyway, after the produce section I went to the cheese section. I love cheese, don’t you? Cheese is so awesome. I didn’t know what kind of cheese I wanted so I just bought a bunch of different kinds and … Hey, where are you going? I haven’t got to the part where I picked out the salad dressing. Gawd! If you don’t want to know all about my lunch then don’t ask!”