The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.


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Dinner party panic attack

Yeah, so, I had another panic attack.

Once again, nausea was the trigger. Nausea reminds me of chemo, which reminds me of cancer. Fuckin’ chemo. Fuck you, cancer. Cancer/chemo PTSD is a real thing, you guys. Here’s what happened …

Friday I was going to a chick dinner at my friend DH’s house. Once a year, my friend DH invites a bunch of her lady friends over for dinner. I look forward to it. It’s really fun to chat with a group of smart, funny, interesting women. It’s really fun. I baked bread and everything. See?

I’m practically a professional baker now, you guys.

So, yeah, I was planning on drinking several glasses of wine at DH’s place, so I took a Lyft. But, when I got into the Lyft, it was 100 degrees. He had the heater cranked all the way up. I’m going through menopause hot-blooded and sweaty all the time, so the heater is not really my friend. I immediately took off my scarf and coat.

“Can you turn off the heat? And can I roll down the window?” I asked, because I’m polite AF.

It wasn’t too long into the ride that I started to feel nauseous. I don’t know why I started feeling sick. Maybe from the heat? Maybe I just wasn’t feeling well? Either way, it wasn’t good. I started to panic.

“Oh my god! I’m going to throw up in this car. I feel nervous. I’m going to have a panic attack. I’m going to throw up in this car and faint, and then the driver is going to rape me and ditch me in Glen Park Canyon.”

Of course, my mind immediately goes to the sunken place, which means my driver isn’t a nice man, but a horrible man who will rape and kill me. (Spoiler alert: He was neither of those things, as far as I know.)

In the car, I just kept repeating to myself, “Keep it together. Keep it together.”

Thankfully, I didn’t throw up in the car, but even if I did I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be the first person to throw up in a Lyft.

When I got to DH’s house, I was in full panic mode. I walked in, and it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t OK. I explained that I was feeling nauseous and having a panic attack, and I needed some time to settle down.

“You’re in a safe place here,” DH reassured me. “Have some wine.”

I had some wine. It was delicious, but it didn’t help. The anxiety was so awful, and the nausea wasn’t going away. I was so bummed. DH’s house looked so lovely. It’s decorated for the holidays, and she had her nice dishes out on the table. It was really nice.

“Her house looks so nice. I’m going to throw up all over her nice house,” I thought to myself. “I am TOTALLY going to throw up all over her nice house!”

All the ladies were gathered in the living room. It was a small gathering, so it wasn’t overwhelming … if I wasn’t having a panic attack. I just blurted it out, “I’m having a panic attack. I’m really sorry.”

Everyone was so sweet and understanding. I felt so embarrassed. They tried distracting me by talking about Chris Pine, Chris Evans and Chris Pratt:  a conversation that I would have been ALL ABOUT if I wasn’t freaking out.

“Keep it together. Keep it together.”

Eventually, I gave up. The nausea wasn’t going away, which meant the panic attack wasn’t going away. I called my mighty, mighty good man David and started crying.

“I feel nauseous. I’m having a panic attack, and you need to come get me,” I said, crying.

“Oh no! Calvin is wet and naked,” he replied. “Are you sure you don’t want to take a Lyft. It’s faster.”

“The idea of a Lyft makes my anxiety so much worse. You need to get Calvin dressed and come get me. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.

“Of course! Of course! I love you. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he said, and even though the nausea didn’t go away, I felt a little better knowing he was coming.

Then I walked into DH’s kitchen where she was prepping some food, and I immediately burst into tears again.

“David is coming to get me. I’m having a really bad panic attack, and I’m so embarrassed,” I bawled. “I feel so stupid.”

DH was totally understanding: “If I had cancer twice and did chemo, I’d probably have some triggers. You’re OK here. You’re safe.”

I sat with the ladies until David arrived. I smiled and did my best to not send out my crazy anxiety vibes. When David arrived, I politely said my goodbyes and headed out. When I got to the car, Calvin was peeing on a bush.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

“He couldn’t wait,” David laughed.

On the way home, I took an Ativan, which I always have in my bag. I didn’t take it at DH’s house, because I was afraid it would make me fall asleep on her couch.

When we got home, I instantly crawled into bed. Shortly after, the Ativan kicked in, and it was like a knot was untying. My mind and body just relaxed. Good god, I love Ativan. It’s the fuckin’ shit.

I fell asleep, but woke up around 11:30 p.m. David was still playing his new video game, South Park: The Fractured But Whole. I kissed him. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

“Of course. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

And then I kissed sleeping Calvin and then climbed back into bed.

Ugh, panic attacks.

I feel lucky that it had been more than a year since I had one. They are so awful and frustrating. I can tell myself, logically, “Dude, you’re fine. Calm down. Who fuckin’ cares if you throw up?” If I threw up at DH’s party, it wouldn’t even be the most embarrassing thing I did at a party. I went to Chico State. It wouldn’t even be the sixth most embarrassing thing I did at a party. I used to get drunk, dance and sing “Cool Rider” from “Grease 2” at parties.

But, my body and another part of my mind doesn’t like logic. It’s just thinking, “We’re totally going to die!”

Panic attacks are the fuckin’ worst.

 

 

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Dorking Out about ‘Coco,’ ‘Three Billboards’ and Sam Rockwell

Yeah, so, I have two really good episodes of Dorking Out with Chris & Sonia for you.

In episode 74, we review Pixar’s “Coco,” and we’re joined by my mighty, mighty good man David and Juan Uriarte of the Instant Ramen podcast. After we chat about “Coco,” we share some underappreciated animated movies. We’ve got some comments that it’s one of our funniest episodes ever, so you should definitely listen.

In episode 75, Smith and I review “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” which turns into a really interesting discussion about all the sexual harassment and sexual abuse news and stories that just go off the rails. In our second segment, BFF of the show,  Peter Brown, associate editor of Assignment X joins us to talk about the new trailer for “Avengers: Infinity War.” Then we end the show with me going on and on about my love of Sam Rockwell. It’s really fun. You should listen to that one, too. If you don’t I’ll kick you in the crotch,

 

 

 


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Dorking Out: Justice League, Lady Bird, Hollywood Remakes and Sexual Harassment

Yeah, so, we’ve got a few really good episodes of Dorking Out with Chris & Sonia.

This week episode, we reviewed “Justice League,” which – surprisingly – I kinda liked. It’s a mess of a movie, but there was enough in it that I enjoyed for me to give it a recommendation.

In our second segment, I go on and on about my love for “Lady Bird.” Seriously, you guys, see “Lady Bird.” I also talk about “Alias Grace” on Netflix, which is really worth watching. It’s only 6 episodes, so do it!

You can listen to it riiight here.

In last week’s episode, we shared some movies we’d like to see rebooted or remade. I don’t have the knee-jerk aversion to remakes that a lot of people have. I think there are plenty of stories that can be retold and updated in a new way. I picked – wait for it – the “Before” franchise: “Before Sunrise,” “Before Sunset” and “Before Midnight.” Now, before you get out your pitchforks, listen to the episode, because I justify my pick with really good casting choices.

Smith and I also talk about all the sexual harassment and sexual abuse allegations in Hollywood. My short answer: Fuck these people. Let’s make room for creative artists who don’t sexual harass and abuse people.

You can listen to that episode riiight here.

We hope you enjoy our dorky podcast. You can listen to us here, or you can find us on iTunes and Stitcher.


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Halloween and the cutest UPS driver

Yeah, so, this was the first year that my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin actually got a little excited about Halloween.

I mean, it wasn’t your typical nonstop talk of costumes and candy. BUT, for the first time, he put on a costume, understood it was a costume and actually liked it. In previous years, we dressed up Calvin in shit we wanted him to wear, because he didn’t care. And the “costume” had to practically not be a costume. It just had to a shirt and pants. No crazy hats, no masks, no weird superhero padded suits. So, he was Captain Kirk a few times, and last year he was Batman, because I found some cute Batman footie pajamas at Target.

This year, my mighty, mighty good man David came up with the brilliant idea of really trying to pick something that Calvin would like. Calvin is not into comic book movies or Pokemon, or any lot of the other costumes that kids want to wear. He likes Curious George, Daniel Tiger and the “Toy Story” movies, but he doesn’t want to dress up as those characters. Believe me, we tried.

Here’s what Calvin loves: trains, buses, cars, trucks and ceiling fans. Finally, David settled on getting Calvin a UPS delivery man costume. Calvin knows who that is, and he likes them. I knew he would never carry a package around with him, so I ordered him a little UPS truck to carry around.

On Halloween, I walked him to the school bus. I had the costume and truck in his backpack for the school’s Halloween parade. While we were waiting for the bus, I decided to give it a shot. I took the UPS truck out of his backpack.

“It’s a mail truck! Can I have it?” he asked.

“Of course. AND, I have something else you might like,” I told him. I took the UPS shirt out of his bag and asked him if I could put it on him. “It’s a mail truck driver shirt.”

He put it on, and he started jumping around excitedly.

“I’m a mail truck driver! I’m a mail truck driver!”

He even wore the hat, you guys!

He wore the costume all day. He walked in the school’s Halloween parade. He trick or treated that night.

We trick or treat on Chenery in Glen Park. It’s just a few blocks from our house, and the entire street goes all out. Tons of decorations, eager people on their porches with tons of candy (and wine for the adult trick or treaters like me).

Every adult loved Calvin’s costume, because all adults love to see the UPS delivery person. And, he’s such a polite trick or treater. At every house he said says, “Trick or treat,” and takes one piece of candy. He smells it before he puts in his bucket, because he wants the chocolate. (Sadly, that means no Smarties for me. Dammit!)

“Thank you very much,” he says. Most of the time, because he is so polite, people give him extra candy. Maybe that’s part of his master plan.

Then, after a few blocks of trick or treating, he decided he had enough candy.

“Let’s go look at the fans,” he said. “I’m all done.”

So, we walked over to the businesses on Diamond and checked out a few ceiling fans. Some people offered him candy, assuming he was still trick or treating.

“No, thank you,” he replied. They would look at us so confused. They looked like this.

What kid turns down candy? Our kid. It’s one of the many things that’s so fuckin’ awesome about him.

A few other random Halloween things …

We went to our friend Roger’s birthday party/Halloween party, and we dressed up as the carpet from “The Shining.” It’s probably the scariest costume I’ve ever worn.

But on Halloween proper, I decided to wear this cute Halloween dress I bought on Think Geek for about $25. It’s got black cats and pumpkins on it. I decided to wear a wig, and it turned into a Sonia S. Pumpkins costume.

The UPS driver and Sonia S. Pumpkins. Any questions?

Close up of the wig, glasses and dress (dress from Think Geek).


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That’s a lot of stuff to dork out about

Yeah, so, I accidentally took a little break from blogging. Sorry about that. I was swamped at work all day for a few weeks, and the last thing I want to do is turn on the computer and write when I got home, which really isn’t like me. I like writing.

I’ve got a few stories to share about Halloween and shit like that, which I’ll try to publish before Thanksgiving. In the meantime, I’ve got a few episodes of Dorking Out for you.

Dorking Out Episode 69: We reviewed “Battle Of The Sexes,” starring Emma Stone and Steve Carell. Plus, the ol’ Pop Show podcast gang reunites, including Anthony C. Ferrante, Ryan Mitchelle and Peter Brown, to talk about our favorite scary movies.

Dorking Out Episode 70: We review “Mindhunter” on Netflix, which is really, really good, you guys! I know you’re all watching “Stranger Things,” but when you’re finished with that, you should watch “Mindhunter.”

Dorking Out Episode 71: We review “Thor: Ragnarok” with Peter Brown from Assignment X. Plus, new friend of the pod Albert “AJ” Muller from Daily Grindhouse joins us to talk about “Stranger Things 2.”


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Six things I’m loving right now: Rick and Morty, Battle Of The Sexes, scary movies and more

Yeah, so, it’s Friday! Also, the country is shit. Wheeeee!

Let’s try to have some fun. Here’s six things I’m loving right now.

1. “Rick and Morty”

I know, I know. Everyone loves “Rick and Morty,” but my mighty, mighty good man David and I just started watching it a month or so ago. The show is hilarious, and strangely dark and serious occasionally. It brings us so much joy. We are always sharing scenes with each other and giggling, like this sext I sent David.

2. The Best Neighbors Podcast

One of my favorite podcasting people and friend of Dorking Out, Margo D. from Book vs. Movie, has another podcast that she co-hosts called The Best Neighbors Podcast. She co-hosts it with her neighbor Erin (hence the name). They just talk about TV, movies, podcasts – the same thing we talk about on Dorking Out, but it really feels like a conversation with your favorite girlfriends. I love it. You should listen.

3. “Battle Of The Sexes”

You guys! You need to see “Battle Of The Sexes.” I really, really, REALLY liked it.

With all the sexism and discrimination in Trump’s America right now, I think we all need to see this movie. We’re going to review it in next week’s Dorking Out, so I won’t go on and on here, but it’s a great movie. It’s probably going to be one of my favorites of the year.

4. The reviews for this ice cube recipe

Whenever I hate the internet, I read stuff like this to remind me that there are some people who are still having fun out there.

5. Scary movies

I saw “It” a few weeks ago, and it felt so good to be scared of something that wasn’t the news. I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since, and I started watching scary movies at home. I’ve watched “John Carpenter’s The Thing,” “The Witch,” “Beyond The Gates,” “Tales Of Halloween” and “The Monster Squad.”

Of those movies I’d say that ‘The Witch” is the one that legit creepy and scary – the kind of horror movie that sticks with you. “Tales Of Halloween” and “The Thing” are scary fun. And “Monster Squad isn’t really scary. It’s more of a “Goonies” with monsters, but I’m putting it on this list anyway, dammit, because it’s my blog.

If you like scary movies, my favorite podcast F This Movie hosts Scary Movie Month. Everyone watches scary movies and writes seven-word reviews on their website. The reviews are amazing.

6. This tweet.

Ha ha! I love it when brands have fun on social media.

 


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Dorking Out Episode 68: Blade Runner 2049, Spielberg and Star Trek Discovery

Yeah, so, in this week’s Dorking Out we review “Blade Runner 2049,” with one of my favorite podcasting people, Margo D. from Book vs Movie and The Best Neighbors Podcast. Is it a sci-fi-fi masterpiece like the original? Probably not. But I really loved it, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I need to see it again.

In our second segment, Smith and I chat about the new HBO documentary “Spielberg.” It’s basically a good reason to sit around for more than 2.5 hours and watch Steven Spielberg movie clips.

And finally, we end our show with our thoughts and feelings about the latest episode of “Star Trek: Discovery.” I’m really digging it.

We hope you enjoy our dorky podcast. You can listen to us here, or you can find us on iTunes and Stitcher.


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The Sixth Sense

Yeah, so, today is my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin’s 6th birthday. He’s 6 years old, you guys!

Let’s all celebrate by re-reading the story about how I evicted him from my uterus.

#priorities by David

People assume that when you have a kid that you’ve always wanted a kid. The truth is I wasn’t one of those people. I wasn’t really interested in having children until I met my mighty, mighty good man David. He said he wanted kids, and I said, “Yeah. You’d be a great dad. Let’s do this.” That answer surprises people, but really, what the fuck else was I doing that was so important? “Meh. I’ve got a DVR full of ‘Law & Order’ reruns to watch, so good luck with that whole kid thing, David.”

I’m so glad I said, “Let’s do this.” It’s the smartest thing I ever said along with “OH MY GOD, YES!” when David asked me to marry him.

Calvin is THE BEST. He is so smart and funny. He is autistic, which means he has challenges, but doesn’t every kid? He is working really hard, and he is so patient and always tries to understand and be understood. He’s got the kindest heart. One of the aides in his classroom said to me, “Calvin is not only a good kid, he’s a good person. You’re raising him right,” which brought a tear to my eye.

Oh, and he’s got a smile that will knock you on your ass. I mean, COME ON!

I couldn’t be more proud of him. Happy, happy birthday to my mighty, mighty good boy!

 


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Dorking Out Episodes 65-66: Star Trek Discovery, Kingsman, The Emmys & more

Yeah, so, I forgot to share last week’s episode, so you get two episodes of the price of one. The price = free, by the way.

In last week’s podcast, we chatted about the Emmy Awards … remember those? It seems like forever ago I was all upset about Sean Spicer’s redemption tour. So yeah, we talked about that.

My former editor at the Chico State Orion (seriously), Todd Bishop stopped by to talk about the Silicon Valley-ing of Hollywood. He also reminded Smith and I that we used to have noble ambitions, and now we talk shit on a weekly pop culture podcast.

In this week’s episode, we talk about the long-awaited premiere of “Star Trek: Discovery.” We’ve been talking about this show for more than a year, so it’s pretty exciting.

I like what I’ve seen so far, and I’m happy for the opportunity to get in on a “Star Trek” show at the ground level and watch it from the beginning. I’ve always missed the boat starship on the other shows, watching them sporadically.

We also discuss Ken Burns’s documentary series “The Vietnam War” and review “Kingsman: The Golden Circle,” which I kinda hated.

We hope you enjoy our dorky podcast. You can listen to us here, or you can find us on iTunes and Stitcher.


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Lipstick Jungle

Yeah, so, I have an addiction.

No, not beer. But good guess, you guys!

I cannot stop buying lipstick. I have 30 different lipsticks – most of them are some variation of red. I don’t mean, “Oh, I have a few tubes of lipstick.” I mean, I have a lot of lipsticks.

I have 30 different lipsticks. I have a drawer in my bathroom that is mostly filled with lipstick. I usually have two or three of them in my purse at any given time.

This is a ridiculous amount of lipstick, right?

I don’t buy a lot of the cosmetics. I have one foundation I use. I have one face power I use. I don’t wear eye shadow or mascara. I do fill in my eyebrows, but I’ve only got one powder that I use for that, too.

It’s all about lipstick for me. I’ll just stroll through Target, Walgreen, Rite Aid, wherever, and I’ll end up buying a lipstick and maybe a tinted lip balm, even though I don’t need them.

My makeup drawer is jam-packed with lipstick, and if I try to clean it out, I end up keeping almost of them.

“No, I can’t get rid of that one. I might wear it.”

“Oh, what if I run out? I might need that one if I’m desperate.”

“I wore that lipstick on my wedding day almost 8 years ago. I can’t get rid of that one. It’s sentimental.”

I wish I was exaggerating.

I have two feet worth of lipstick.

I have a Toby and a half of lipsticks.

I have a Kubo and a half of lipstick.

I have two wine bottles worth of lipstick.

I’m not sure why I keep buying lipstick, when I already have so many. Maybe I’m hunting for the perfect lipstick; the one that will be that perfect shade of red and last all day without rubbing off when I eat and drink and without drying out my lips and makes me look 15 years younger and 30 pounds lighter.

I mean, are all those things too much to ask from one lipstick? GAWD!

Tell me about your makeup drawer. What are you collecting in there?