The Sonia Show

Writer. Podcaster. Beer drinker. Movie watcher. Mother. Goober.


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The new chapter

Yeah, so, your girl got her divorce paperwork notarized and sent off. Now I’m just waiting for the judge to approve everything, and the divorce will be final.

After notarizing and dropping off my paperwork, I treated myself to these gorgeous roses.

It felt good to get it done. I put it off for a bit because it made me sad. We were so happy for a long time and then, bang, he cheated, and then he told me he was unhappy. He didn’t put in one iota of work to fix our marriage. He just bailed. He treated me like I was just a girlfriend he had to break up with – like we weren’t married with a family. He emotionally ghosted on me.

That’s pretty shitty. I’ll never get answers and that’s beyond my control. But I’ve done therapy and a lot of journaling and processing to realize that it’s his loss. He walked away from a woman who truly, deeply loved him. I would’ve done anything to make him happy. But he never wanted to share with me what would make him happy. It was easier for him to not do the work and move on with my former friend/his mistress.

BUT, here’s the good news, now I can do anything I want to make ME and CALVIN happy.

There’s so much laughter in this house. We just love being together. We make up silly stories. We make popcorn and watch disaster movies. We sit side-by-side on the couch while he plays Minecraft or Roblox, and I read or play Animal Crossing. Calvin has been asking to sleep in my room with me. (He’s been extra clingy since my ex reintroduced the mistress back into Calvin’s life.) So all of us (me, Calvin, and the two dogs) get in my king-size bed and listen to a story on the Calm app.

We’re making plans to travel this year. My amazing friend Margo’s book is coming out in October, so Calvin and I are going to New York for her book party. Calvin really wants to ride the subway to Coney Island and visit the Bronx Zoo. We were just chatting last night about where we want to go this summer. Maybe back to the Madonna Inn, maybe somewhere new. We haven’t decided but it will definitely involve a big swimming pool.

So, yeah, I’m looking forward to closing that old chapter of my life and starting a new one.


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Fair game

Yeah, so, it’s county fair season!

It’s been a few years since we went to a county fair. So last weekend, Calvin and I met up with our best buddies Beegs, Sass, and Levi for the San Mateo County Fair.

We got there right when it opened, so it wasn’t hot or crowded. Calvin just wanted to ride the Ferris wheels, so we bought those wristbands for unlimited rides. We spent the day riding the same three Ferris wheels, sipping on overpriced drinks, people-watching, and marveling at all the deep-fried food. Someone try the deep-fried watermelon and report back, please.

I’m looking forward to visiting the Alameda and Marin county fairs this year, too. All the Ferris wheels!

Oh, and there was this …


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A royal affair

Yeah, so, I went to a Bridgerton party because I’m so fancy.

I mean, come on. Don’t I look just like Penelope Featherington? Honestly, this dress isn’t that far from my usual toddler grandma style. A yellow and pink dress is pretty on-brand for me. I don’t normally wear a tiara, but I think I might start.

My friend Chelsea invited me, and her party was delightful. So much food, such nice people. Chelsea and her family went all out for the party. There was even a Lady Whistledown scandal sheet with the hot goss on all the guests.

I had no idea that there were so many vegan options in the Regency era.
Selfie by Chelsea

I’ll get my money’s worth out of this outfit because my sister Michelle and our honorary sister Amanda have tickets to the Bridgerton Experience in July. Did I say tickets? I meant VIP tickets because – as I mentioned – we’re so fancy.

Skaters gonna skate

In other news, I went rollerskating for the first time in forever. I finally got to break in my amazing rose gold skates.

I went to Church of 8 Wheels on a quiet Tuesday night with my office buddies. We practically had the place to ourselves, which was perfect because I was really afraid of falling and breaking a hip. I was pretty nervous when I got there, but Christina (a former roller derby girl!) gave me some good tips. It took me a while to warm up, but I eventually felt comfortable, and I didn’t fall once. #humblebrag

Yeah, I’m sweaty in this photo, so what? Roller skating is a workout, m’kay?

What a disaster

So, yeah, Calvin is super into disaster movies right now.

This all started when he was peeping over my shoulder while I watched “Independence Day” on my iPad during F This Movie’s F This Movie Fest. He was intrigued and asked if I’d put it on the TV. He looooved it. He asked if there were other movies like this.

“Ummm, YES!”

So far, we’ve watched “The Day After Tomorrow,” “Geostorm,” “Volcano,” “Jurassic Park,” and most recently (and my favorite) “Speed.” He discovered “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Geostorm” himself on YouTube. (Damn you, YouTube).

On our weekends together, we pop some popcorn and watch a disaster movie. This makes me so happy. I love watching movies. It’s one of my favorite things. If disaster movies are what gets Calvin into movies, then YAY!

Corny.

If you have any disaster movie recommendations, the comments are open. I’m hesitant to show him movies such as “Twister” or “San Andreas” because they’re things that could really happen. San Francisco doesn’t get tornados, but they do exist. Right?! Tornados are real. I haven’t checked to see what Fox News claims. Earthquakes definitely happen in SF, and I don’t want Calvin (or myself 😂) having panic attacks worrying about earthquakes.

Take care of yourself

I know that everything feels terrible and scary right now. There’s been many mass shootings here in the U.S. over the past few weeks. It can feel overwhelming. When things like this happen, and sadly they happen too often in this country, I drunk dial my representatives and encourage them to push for gun control legislation. I donate to organizations that fight for what’s right such as Everytown for Gun Safety. And remember, be gentle with yourself. ♥️ It’s a lot, all of the time.


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Untethered

Yeah, so, I’ve been thinking so much about this post from writer Clementine Ford.

I don’t think I’m being sneered at, but I do think some people feel sorry for me. I had what I believed was a happy, little family until I didn’t. But, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m happy.

I mean, it sucks that my husband cheated on me and now I get to see my kid 50% of the time. It’s not my favorite thing that’s happened to me. And yeah, the state of the world is a shitshow. AND, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have rights in this country since I’m a woman. AND sure, Covid rates are increasing. AND, in general, it seems like the bad guys are winning and suffering no consequences for their bad behavior.

BUT, other than that, I’m happy.

Calvin is great. Work is good. My dogs are adorable. The house is getting cuter and cozier with every little redecoration. I love just hanging out here in my space. And that’s why I keep thinking about that Clementine Ford post.

When I’m here in the house I can truly relax. The house is a little oasis from the pressures of the outside world. I can just be here, and do what I want without the weight of someone else’s needs or expectations. (Even when Calvin is here, I never have to worry about him because he’s always honest. He knows who he is, and he tells you what he wants.) I don’t have to negotiate to get my needs met. I’m not sitting in my own home with hurt feelings because my partner is constantly resenting me, rejecting me, not communicating with me, and gaslighting me. What a treat!

At first, my newfound free time was something I feared. It was a reminder that my happy, little family was gone, and I was alone now. I looked for things to just fill the time. Puzzles, reading, writing, painting, drawing on my iPad, walking the dogs, and my ever-growing watch list: They were just things to do to keep me from crying and pass the time until Calvin came home.

Now I’m getting protective of that time. When I make plans, I make sure I’m leaving time for myself to do those things. And that’s because I’m enough. My company is enough. Of course, I miss Calvin when he’s not here. But I also look forward to that me time. I used to dread it, but now I need it. I get to recharge, which means I’m more present when I do go out and see other people. They’re getting the full Sonia experience (if that’s good or bad, I’ll leave that up to them to decide).


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You’re so vain you probably think this whole blog is about you

Yeah, so, I recently learned that my soon-to-be ex-husband and my ex-friend/his mistress read my blog.

Why are they reading it? I have no idea.

Hey, we did this really shitty, hurtful thing to someone. I can’t wait to read about how shitty and hurtful it was.

Imagine doing what they did and then taking the time to go to my blog and read about how much it hurt me, AND THEN thinking you’re the victim.

I know we cheated on our spouses and destroyed two families, but what about meeeeeee and my feeeeeeeelings.”

Seriously, you won. You get to be together. You lied to two people who really loved you and broke their hearts. And 10 points to Slytherin (which I assume is your house) because your spouses, who did nothing wrong, only get to see their child 50% of the time now. Good job. Really. I’m sure it’s true love, and it will work out great for you, and it won’t end when one of you does the same exact thing to the other. That never happens.

So, yeah, I’ve blocked them on all social media channels because they’re not my friends. I don’t want to see their photos or read their tweets, and they can’t see mine. But I can’t control who reads this blog, so if they want to read it they can. This brings me back to my original question: Why?

If they had a blog I wouldn’t read it, because I don’t need to know what they’re doing or how they’re feeling. Are they reading it because maybe their friends read it, and now their friends know the truth? Well, I’d ask why they weren’t being honest with their friends in the first place. And then I’d wonder if they were being honest with themselves. I suspect the answer is no. I believe it was the genius poet Lizzo who said, “Truth hurts.”

Knowing that they’re reading it isn’t going to stop me from writing about whatever I want or need to write. This blog is for me. It’s not for them. You don’t like it, don’t read it. And as a friend recently told me, “The high road can get fucked.”


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Forgiving myself

Yeah, so, at some point I’ll forgive myself for being so trusting. Not just when it comes to my soon-to-be ex-husband, but also with the woman who pretended to be my friend.

I realize that she’s not the one who stood up in front of all our friends and family and made a vow. I don’t singularly blame her for their affair and destroying two marriages and families. It takes two. But we were supposedly friends. I say “supposedly” because I look back now, and I wonder if it was ever about me. Maybe it was about my husband all along.

When she expressed interest in my interests, I thought she was just trying to find ways to connect with me and create a friendship. She was into wine, but then she started getting into beer because I was into beer. She wanted to go to yoga with me. I started Weight Watchers, and then she started Weight Watchers, even though she didn’t need to lose weight. I bought roller skates, and then she bought roller skates. Sometimes I feel like she Single White Female-d me. And it worked.

I’m a good person, who was nothing but super nice to her. She knew how much I loved my little family. My soon-to-be ex and I were a good team (or so I thought), raising an amazing autistic son and having fun wherever we went.

I’ve survived breast cancer twice. I’ve had a mastectomy, and one time I even confided to her that I was insecure about my fake breasts after those surgeries. That I didn’t think I was attractive anymore. That I was flawed and broken, and no one would ever love me or want me, but my husband did, and I was so lucky. LOL! So naive. Instead of being a good friend to me, she saw it as an opportunity. Our friendship didn’t matter. My family didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. She made her move, and it worked.

I’m sure she’s really proud of herself. The work she put into learning about my family and my ex really paid off for her. And now these two people can be together knowing that they’re with the kind of person who would lie to the people who care about them the most and break up their family for funsies. How cool! Good luck with that.

I’ve definitely thought about trying to forgive and forget, and move on. But fuck that. I think the great poet Taylor Swift said it best …

And I am moving on. And I’m so proud of the person I am. I’m smarter, stronger, and more capable than I thought.

I’ve always been a trusting person. I’m a very open person who is generous with my heart and my time. And I make friends easily, because I’m a curious person who asks a lot of questions, and I’m very good at making people feel comfortable. I like that about myself. I’ve always thought of it as a gift.

But sometimes I do wonder if I’m too trusting. Should I be more guarded when I make new friends? It’s not like I have another husband for a friend to steal so maybe I don’t need to worry about it.


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Quiet please

Yeah, so, we had a product summit this week at work with many, many meetings and breakout rooms. And even me, the extrovert is emotionally exhausted.

Luckily, we have Friday off. Here’s actual footage of me walking toward Friday.

We have the second Friday off every month, and we’re calling it “Recharge Friday.” Last month I decided to go all-in on the recharge: I got a massage and mani-pedi. This Recharge Friday I think I’m going to veg out. I’m recording What a Creep in the morning, but after that, I’m looking forward to an entire day of not talking.

I think I need some serious quiet time, and by quiet time, I mean me not talking, which goes against everything I stand for.

I’m going to read and catch up on an Oscar-nominated movie or two. I also got this amazing puzzle at the recommendation of my friend Christine …

This week in podcasting

We talked about Jerry Lewis on this week’s What a Creep. He sucks.

And over at Dorking Out, Margo and I talked about “The Rock,” starring Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery. I loooove talking about San Francisco movies, and this was no exception.


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My fancy new title

Yeah, so, your girl got promoted!

You’re looking at a Content Design Manager. I know … I’m so fancy.

I’m so proud of the work I do. I thought a lot about whether to move into a manager role. With everything that’s been going on in my life, I debated staying on the individual contributor track. It’s nice to only be responsible for yourself, to only have to think about what you’re working on.

I always find a reason to hold myself back. For more than 10 years I stayed at a job that wasn’t fulfilling emotionally or financially. I stayed because it was easy and flexible. I had some good reasons for staying. I was dealing with two cancer diagnoses in 5 years. I had Calvin, and then Calvin was diagnosed as autistic. I focused my attention on his appointments and getting him services like speech therapy and occupational therapy. And after that was all set up, I just stayed because looking for a new job was hard. And, truthfully, I was more focused on my then-husband. I wanted to support him and help him grow in his career. He made a little bit more money than me, and it would benefit the entire family if he did well.

So, yeah, like a lot of women I undervalued my contribution and underestimated what I could do. But I finally got to the point where I wanted more. I wanted a job I actually cared about. I wanted to feel good about going to work.

At my old gig, Nina introduced me to content strategy, which led me to a content design job at Zendesk. Chelsea took a chance on someone who didn’t have a ton of content design experience but is super passionate about using plain, human language in interactions.

And now Nina works at Zendesk, too! I’m super grateful to Nina and Chelsea. They’re amazing managers, and I’ve been so inspired by them. They’ve created a supportive, connected team across timezones.

I thought long and hard about making this move. Is it what I really wanted? Would I be any good at it? And I kept coming back to this: We need more leaders that lead with their hearts and empathy. I always do that. It comes to me naturally. I instinctively want to help people. I want to build relationships and clear the path for people to do good work.

I know I have a lot to learn, but I’m up to the challenge.


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Save the date

Yeah, so, this is an actual conversation I had …

Them: Are you seeing anyone?

Me: Yeah, I see a therapist every other week.

Them: Umm, I meant are you dating anyone?

Me: Bahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah *deep breath* bhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah. No.

I’m surprised how often I’m asked if I’m dating, on dating apps, or thinking about getting back out there. I did sign up for a dating app for a hot minute. One night Drinky Sonia thought, “I wonder what’s out there?” And I saw a lot of “Ew no,” and I saw some perfectly nice-seeming men. But it was a no for me, dawg.

I deactivated those apps in record time, because I don’t want it. At least not now. Maybe not ever. I honestly don’t know.

The truth is the bar for a man in my life is really fuckin’ high now because they have to compete with me.

I love spending time with me. We have the same sense of humor. We’re always laughing out loud. We love all the same things. We love to try new beer and cocktails. We love try new vegan recipes. We love to watch and listen to all the same things. We’re honest with ourselves and deal with our shit.

I’m a great partner to myself, and it’s delightful.

I don’t know if there’s a man out there that can compete with that. BUT, I’ll never say never. I could meet someone, and we vibe, and it’s on.

But until then I’m not going to be sad and single. I’m all about being happy and single.

Me and the only man I’ll ever need at
Laughing Monk Brewery during SF Beer Week

This week’s adventures in podcasting …

We’re chatting about one of my favorite comedies of all time: “Ghostbusters.” We still love it. I know, listen to Dorking Out for such surprising hot takes.

Over at What a Creep, we’re talking about Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas and his creepy wife Ginni Thomas. We also have an episode about the Zoot Suit Riots – the event, not the song by the creepily named Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. Seriously, that’s a gross name. Can you imagine naming your band Virgin Takin’ Fathers? Ewwwwwuh.


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Beer and now

Yeah, so, it’s the most wonderful time of the year — it’s SF Beer Week in the Bay Area.

I’ve been making a few stops at breweries here and there to taste the new stuff. I went to Harmonic Brewing, Standard Deviant, and Zeigeist, which was pouring the coveted Pliny the Younger and they had a ton o’ HenHouse Brewing. I’ll hit Barebottle and Laughing Monk at some point this weekend.

My favorite so far has been the rosé saison from Standard Deviant. In fact, I probably should go pick up another 4-pack.

Standard Deviant’s Rosé Saison, and a rum horchata cream ale

I also ventured to my happy place last weekend. I went to the Alamo Drafthouse on Super Bowl Sunday. I figured the theater would be pretty empty, and I was right. My good buddy Beegs met up with me to watch “Jackass Forever.”

Yeah, you read that right: “Jackass Forever.” And just like all the other “Jackass” movies I screamed and laughed until my sides hurt. I know it’s just 90 minutes of guys getting hit in the balls, but that shit is hilarious.

Lest you need reminding, I have a history with “Jackass.” It was the only time the San Francisco Examiner let the lowly TV critic review a movie.

Check out that quote on the bottom left. I’m so famous.

This week on the podcast

We’re talking about Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas and his super creepy wife Ginni on this week’s What a Creep.

On Dorking Out, our podcasting brother from another mother Adam Riske from F This Movie joined us to dork out about “Waiting To Exhale,” which if you’ve read my previous posts you know I’m basically living it right now.