Yeah, so, one of the worst things about getting divorced is that many married people feel sorry for you.
OK, maybe the worst things are seeing your kid 50% of the time and paying child support to someone who cheated on you, but your married friends feeling sorry for you ranks relatively high, too.
To fix that problem, you should convince them that divorce is rad. In fact, you should convince them so thoroughly that they’re kinda jealous that they’re not divorced.
Here are 5 tips for making your married friends think divorce is awesome.
- Show off all the free time you have now that you’re splitting custody of your kid. You can do that by asking your married friends if they’ve seen the most recent movie that’s playing in theaters or binged the most recent season of the Netflix series everyone is talking about. Talk about a book you just finished, and then casually drop in a conversation that you slept in until 11:30 am on Saturday.
- Speaking of sleep, tell your friends that you’re getting the best sleep of your life. You have the entire bed to yourself now. That might sound lonely to some people, but those people are lying to themselves. No snoring that keeps you awake. No one hogging the comforter. Do you want the room to be freezing cold so you can get all snuggly under your blankets? Do it. There’s no one to complain. Do you want to crank up the heat? Go ahead, weirdo.
- Make your home as rad as possible. Now that you don’t have his Spider-Man figurines on every shelf, you can redecorate everything to suit your taste. Put out photos of happy memories. Hang up that framed print that always makes you smile when you see it. Buy that funky-colored couch and colorful drapes. Make your home a reflection of your style, and invite your married friends over to marvel at the lack of Marvel statues.
- Let them know you’re going to live longer. Tell your married friends the story of the woman who lived to be 117. She credits eating raw eggs and being single most of her life to her longevity. Maybe drop the eating raw eggs part. Seriously. Don’t eat raw eggs. That’s how you get salmonella. People die from that shit. Just mention the divorced part.
- Give them a little food for thought. Gone of the days when you have to cater to someone else’s culinary cravings. Whether cooking for yourself or ordering delivery, you’re chowing down on whatever your heart desires. Sure, being in love and building a life with someone is great, but have you ever drunkenly ordered a burrito on your Uber ride home, and it arrives at your house at the same time you do?
When you do these 5 things, you’ll start wondering why you didn’t get divorced sooner. You’re welcome.