Yeah, so, I was putting a bag away in my closet when a Victoria’s Secret gift card fell out.
I have no idea where it came from. I don’t remember getting a Victoria’s Secret gift card. I used to shop there all the time. It was my go-to place for bras. However, the last time I went in there, all the bras were bedazzled with the word “sexy” on them in faux-diamonds. “Hey, this bra is sexy, even a blind man can tell you that.” I wish I was joking.
Still, I went online to see how much was on the gift card. While I was trolling the site I stumbled upon the FAQ page. In the middle of “What’s your return policy?” and “How can I check the status of my order?” I uncovered a few interesting nuggets.
How can I become a Victoria’s Secret model?
Stay in school and just say no to drugs? Just kidding. Try heroin and/or an eating disorder. I think it’s adorable that this is a frequently asked question. “Hmmm, I want to be a Victoria’s Secret model. I will go to their website and apply.” How cute!
The “real” answer is: “We select models from both the Ford and Elite Modeling agencies in New York City. Unfortunately, we do not have information to release regarding specific criteria they must meet. We suggest that you contact a modeling agency if you want to pursue a modeling career.”
But that naive question didn’t prepare me for what I saw next …
Do Victoria’s Secret bras really contain formaldehyde?
“As millions of women know, Victoria’s Secret bras are safe. You may have seen media reports or online postings that claim Victoria’s Secret bras contain formaldehyde. Because of our commitment to our customers’ safety and satisfaction, we want you to have the facts. We hope that with the complete truth, we continue to earn your confidence in our products every day. Victoria’s Secret does not add formaldehyde to its bras, and multiple, independent tests confirm that Victoria’s Secret bras are formaldehyde-free or contain only traces which are significantly lower than allowed by the most stringent textile guidelines in the world. Dermatologists and various authorities all confirm that even those individuals who are allergic to formaldehyde would not have a reaction at this low level, despite public claims by a Cleveland law firm.”
I’m sorry you lost me at formaldehyde.
Why would there be formaldehyde in the bras?
Is that Victoria’s Secret?
“Dead body by Victoria: The formaldehyde makes the bras extra sexy.”
By the way, there was only $1.70 on the gift card. I think I will pass on a bra that smells like death.