Yeah, so every time I go shopping there’s someone with a clipboard waiting in front of the store ready to make me feel like a bad person.
I don’t want to sign your petition. I don’t want to hear about human rights violations. I don’t want to take “five minutes” to save the planet — especially because it’s not really five minutes; it’s 20 minutes and $50. I want to go into Macy’s and buy more shit that I don’t really need. Sometimes I want to do to these clipboarders what Rex Kramer in “Airplane” did, but I’m not that cool.
So, I try very hard to avoid the clipboarders. I never make eye contact. Sometimes I practically run by them to get to the door, or I try to hide behind some unsuspecting sap. If, by chance I get stopped, I wave them off with a polite, “I’m sorry” or “No thanks.” And following proper clipboarder etiquette, they let me pass.
So, last week I was heading into Macy’s when a clipboarder approached me: “Can you take five minutes to learn about starving children?”
Me: “Sorry.” [polite wave]
Clipboarder: “Sorry that there are starving children or sorry that you can’t help?”
Me: “Ummm, both?”
Oh, did I mention that I’m a bad person?