Yeah, so, some guy tried to crash our wedding.
David and I were having dinner at my parents’ house a few weeks ago when my dad shared this little tidbit with me. I couldn’t believe he didn’t tell me sooner. I mean, some dude tried to channel his inner Owen Wilson and crash my wedding. Who cares about that grandma was offended by “Gold Digger?” That’s news I wanna know!
We were going through the wedding pictures, when we came across this one.
My buddy Andrew (aka Gordo) had pointed that guy out to me before this photo was taken, asking if he was a member of the my family. He is dressed very inappropriate for a wedding and wearing camouflage, so it was a valid question. The man was not a guest, but I figured he worked at the venue (which was the Verdi Club in SF, and it totally rules!) or maybe he was just waiting for a bus or something.
I told this story to my parents when the picture came up, and my dad said, “Oh, I threw that guy out of the wedding.”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Dad: “Oh yeah. I saw that guy hanging around out front, looking all squirrelly. Eventually, he tried to walk into the club and I stopped him and asked him, ‘Are you a guest of this wedding?’ And he said, ‘Well, I thought maybe there was food in there.’ So I said, “Get the fuck out of here!'”
Me: “He confessed that he was crashing the wedding?”
Dad: “Oh yeah. and then I said, ‘Get the fuck out of here.'”
Folks, take a long, hard look at that guy in the picture, because he is the worst wedding crasher ever! He didn’t even dress the part. He was dressed like he was going to a Tea Party rally. There was no way he was going to blend in at a wedding. And the instant he was questioned he immediately confesses that he wasn’t invited? That’s not how you do it. You say you’re a second cousin or something. My family is huge. He could have convinced me that we were related if he tried hard enough.
Sure, maybe he’s a homeless guy who was really hungry, but he didn’t look homeless. Look at the picture again. I mean, look at how meticulously groomed his creepy mustache is. And speaking of creepy, why is he wearing shorts and gloves? Were his legs hot, but his hands cold?
So, yeah, my dad is The Man. If he tells you to get the fuck out of here, you best get the fuck out of here. Faux-wedding crasher must have sensed this fact, and he left quietly and did not return.