The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Weight, weight … don’t tell me

9 Comments

Yeah, so, I hate how much time I spend thinking about my weight.

I hate it. I am ashamed of myself.

When I’m 80 I’m going to look back and give myself shame for all the time I wasted beating myself up over a few pounds here and there. I know I will. I didn’t want to even write this blog post, because I’m so embarrassed, but that’s why I had to … if that makes sense. I made a deal with myself when I started this blog that I wouldn’t hold back. So, here I am, writing about, and drawing attention to, a part of myself that I really don’t like. It makes me feel kinda nervous.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t worry about my weight. I can’t remember a time when I ate a meal that didn’t come with a side of guilt. Starting in my teenage years, I have been constantly dieting and trying different workouts, weighing myself and fretting. It’s tiring.

I’m exhausted.

A few years ago I stopped obsessively focusing on my weight. I had just moved to San Francisco. I didn’t even have a scale. I just changed my eating habits, walked everywhere and started going to yoga. Of course, I lost weight. I went down a few sizes without even realizing it. Just one day, my clothes were too big. It happened when I wasn’t looking.

I have told David that I tricked him into falling in love with me, because when I met him I was the skinniest I had ever been, actually squeezing into a pair of size 0 jeans at one point. It was around that time that my dad told me I was getting too skinny. When The Man talks I listen, so I put on about five pounds so I didn’t look wafer-thin. I just want to be a good size for me, and I think a size 2 is a manageable, healthy size.

I have pretty healthy eating habits, and I love yoga, so maintaining a nice, healthy weight wasn’t difficult. But after I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and I had surgery after surgery … well, I couldn’t go to yoga as much as I wanted, and my eating habits became questionable as I started craving comfort food. Red wine is a comfort food, right? Also, burritos, chips and salsa and warm cookies … and carrot cake from Baked = heaven.

Now, I have packed on what I’m appropriately calling “The Cancer 10.” Yes, 10 pounds! It doesn’t seem like that much, but that’s at least one Olsen Twin.

Honestly, at first, I wasn’t too worried about it. I figured I’d lose it when I was all healed from the last (and hopefully final!) surgery, and I could go back to yoga. But here’s the thing: I got lazy. It was all too easy to just stay home on the couch with my mighty, mighty good man and watch “Mad Men.” Instead of the two or three times a week I was doing, I was going to yoga about once a week.

Then two things happened that give me a real kick in my un-yoga-ed ass.

No. 1: I went to Ambiance on Haight Street for some dress shopping. In 2008, I bought an amazing dress there, and I was hoping for a repeat performance. When picking out dresses to try on, I even went up a size from the one I bought in 2008. I figured I was playing it safe. I was wrong. I got into the dressing room and nothing fit. David was in there with me, and he got to watch a very special episode of The Sonia Show, in which the star completely unravels and breaks down in the dressing room and cries. Seriously. I handled breast cancer with more grace, strength and dignity than I did the fact that I would have to go up a dress size. It was humiliating. I ran out of the store in tears. It was not my best moment, yet here I am putting in the blog for my tens of readers.

No. 2: A few days later, I had an appointment with my oncologist, and he said something along the lines of “Holy shit! You are packing on the pounds, Mansfield.”

So, yeah, while I’m walking around wearing size 4 jeans and thinking that I’m still on the thin side of things, it turns out packing on 10 pounds is not cool for breast cancer survivors. I had an estrogen positive breast cancer, and fat cells store estrogen. Therefore, it behooves me to stay fit and trim, which will increase my already great chances of no breast cancer re-occurrence. In other words, “Hey Fatty, you want to lose your other boob, too? No? Then get back in shape.” If that’s not enough motivation to get back to my fighting weight, then I don’t know what will be.

Still, I didn’t like being told I needed to lose weight. It reawakened all my weight anxieties. I even bought a scale. I made a promise to myself that I would work to shed “The Cancer 10” after I got back from my trip to Michigan.

Well, I’m back.

I have recommitted myself to, well, my myself, my health. I’ve got three yoga classes on the calendar this week. On days I don’t go to yoga, I’m walking. I am confident that I can drop these 10 pounds faster than Lindsay Lohan can get out of jail.

Really, I just want my pre-breast cancer body back. I liked that body. I was comfortable in it. But, I know it will never be fully back. This fake knocker on the left will never feel my old friend. I will always feel a little different … but I bet I can get pretty damn close normal.

I wrote this obsessively long (and probably boring) post about my weight, because I don’t want to worry about my weight anymore! I just needed to put it all out there and move on. I’m tired of it. It’s a part of me that I really dislike. It’s ugly. I just want to exercise and eat right and live my life, and let the pounds fall where they may. Are there women out there that don’t worry about their weight at least once a day? Is exercise, eating right and not worrying about weight doable for women at all? I’m wondering if that is doable for me. Instead of focusing all that energy on beating myself up about my weight, I’m going to focus that energy on being healthy … and continuing to kick cancer in the balls.

To make up for this whiny post, here’s a cute picture of Homer in a bow tie at the wedding.

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

9 thoughts on “Weight, weight … don’t tell me

  1. I am curious to know if there are any women out there who don’t obsess about their weight and/or body. I talk all this talk about portion control and how I’m REALLY going to be disciplined then I go out yesterday and eat fried prawns with fries at Louie’s. And my excuse: I’m at Louie’s!! There’s always an occasion that allows for an excuse to eat poorly. It is a constant battle with the obsession. There’s the programmed “thinner is better” voice along with the counter voice of “love yourself the way you are” voice. It IS exhausting. I don’t have a perfect body but I bought a bikini last year anyway. I’m replacing the “thinner is better” voice with “tanner is beautiful”. Ha! I love you just as you are Sonia, obsesssion and all.

  2. Cheering you on…and wishing I had the motivation to do the same. Sigh. And yes — I would like every self-flagellating moment back, please. EVERY ONE of them.

  3. I think you’re hot stuff!

  4. I was feeling sympathetic until you said your “heavy” weight is a size 4. EFF YOU!! Just kidding– a little. But I know what you mean – I lost 20 lbs for my wedding and I’ve slowly gained it all back and then some over the last 5 years. The other day my mom told me I would look thinner if my clothes weren’t so tight. OH YOU THINK MOM? I had to smother her to death with my skinny jeans.

    • I should clarify … I think my size 4 body is perfectly fine. I can live with that, for sure. The doctor says I need to shed the 10 pounds I put on.

      Also, no jury would convict you.

  5. Homer with a bow tie — that’s an absolute scream!
    Don’t tell me otherwise, because I’ve got this visual of Homer standing right there with you two as you take your vows.

  6. Sonia, weight is a constant thought on every woman’s mind… I was at a size 10 6 months ago, taking 2 pills for blood pressure, and the Dr. told me my cholesterol was high. I was fine with a size 10, but my body wasn’t…. Sometimes when it has to do with our health, we have to make changes…. So now I do my best to eat healthy, and exercise as much as I can.. And I call it staying alive…

  7. Pingback: Can’t hardly weight | The Sonia Show

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