The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

The hurt knocker

14 Comments

Yeah, so, since I was diagnosed with the dreaded knocker sickness almost a year ago I have listened to countless women offer up their excuses for why they haven’t gotten a mammogram.

  • “I’m busy.”
  • “That’s for old ladies.”
  • “I don’t have health coverage.”
  • “Mind your own business, Mansfield.”

But the most common excuse I hear is, “But it hurts.”

Ladies, I am telling you right now, mammograms do not hurt. You know what hurts? Breast cancer. True story. Get a mammogram.

I got a mammogram at Kaiser on Geary Boulevard in San Francisco, and just to prove to you how easy it is, I took photos.

OK, so, the most difficult part of getting a mammogram is parking in the Kaiser garage. People always slow down to a crawl once inside the garage, seeking out that special parking spot that magically washes your car and fills your gas tank. Once you park, you have to wait for the slowest elevator ever. You’d think that Kaiser, wanting you to “thrive” and be healthy, would encourage you to take the stairs. They don’t. That staircase they want you to take if there’s a fire; I can’t seem to find it. They want us to fry in the elevator!

So, I parked my car and took the slowest elevator, but, once again, I couldn’t find stairs to the third floor where they do mammograms, so I was forced to take the elevator. Once I got to the third floor, I checked in with the nice lady behind the desk, and she gave me a form to fill out.

Look! This form has boobs on it.

Then I read my Entertainment Weekly and waited for my name to be called.

That's an excellent question, Entertainment Weekly. Will Peter Jackson save "The Hobbit?"

I only waited a few minutes before a nurse called my name. She ushered me into another waiting room … a special waiting room. This is the waiting room that everyone out there is waiting to get into. This waiting room has a dress code, however, and she handed me a hospital gown.

"Sonia Mansfield is wearing vintage Kaiser."

And then, I waited a little longer.

That is an excellent question, Entertainment Weekly. Does "Knight and Day's box office mean trouble for "M:I-4?" I hope the answer is yes.

Once again, I only waited a minute before my name was called. I never did find out if “Knight and Day’s” box office means trouble for “Mission: Impossible 4.”

Me and my mammogram machine.

Now, here’s the part where ladies start freaking out. See those two plastic surfaces by my left arm? They squish your boob in there. The tech puts your breast on the black surface and slowly lowers down the clear plastic surface above it until your melon is pretty flat. Once again, for the record, IT DOES NOT HURT. Is it uncomfortable? Well, that depends. Do you think it’s uncomfortable to be topless in front of a stranger who is taking pictures of your boob while it is flattened out by two pieces of plastic? Sure, it’s socially awkward. But is it painful? No.

I asked the tech how long the appointment takes. She said, “About seven minutes.” Seeing as how I only have one real boob, I was out of there in half that time. Win!

Speaking of win, here’s a little nudity for you.

"With a mammogram like this, I could get a job at Hooter."

Yep, that’s my boob on the screen with a little pink star on it, because I’m modest. Also, it makes me feel like a celebrity on The Superficial.

So, yeah, I will get a letter from Kaiser in a few weeks with the results of the mammogram, but considering I just had a clean, cancer-free MRI in May, I won’t be sweatin’ to the oldies waiting for the results. Of course, you never know. [cue dramatic music]

See those unused parking pay machines? They are always unused because they are always broken! WTF Kaiser!

All in all, I was in and out of there in 45 minutes, including the time I spent hunting for parking. Oh, and THE MAMMOGRAM DIDN’T HURT!

Early detection is crucial when you’re dealing with breast cancer. I am amazingly lucky that my breast cancer was caught early. Aren’t your boobs worth the 45 minutes and a little uncomfortableness? Isn’t your life worth it?

Seriously, ladies, get a mammogram. No excuses.

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

14 thoughts on “The hurt knocker

  1. Love this! Coincidentally, my first mammogram is in approximately two hours.

    It’s nice to know it doesn’t hurt; that’s been a worry of mine. Thanks for sharing your experience. 🙂

  2. Thanks for such an informative–and entertaining–blog!

  3. Good job Sonia, every woman needs to make sure they get there boobs checked out. Like you said maybe a little uncomfortable, but it is worth it to know that you are cancer free!!! Now I will be doing it every year, so not a problem. Very informative blog! Love Mom

  4. I just jizzed in my pants.

  5. No fair!!! You give me so many opportunities for snarky comments that my mind boggles, but the seriousness of getting mammograms is just too important to make light of. Ladies, please get checked–all of the people in your life will be glad you did.

    I’d volunteer to check, but some my consider my total lack of medical training to be somewhat offputting.

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  8. Mammograms do not hurt! You know what hurts? Going to the dentist. Eff that mess. Get a mammogram instead. It’s boob-squishing fun.

  9. Pingback: You guys, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month | The Sonia Show

  10. Second that! I went to St. Luke’s. There was almost no wait. I too had a snazzy gown like Sonia’s. I was out of there in 15 minutes tops. Hint: take a deep breath before the plates come. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s hard to breath during the picture-taking.

  11. Pingback: MammoGLAM | The Sonia Show

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