Yeah, so, I have scars from having breast cancer.
I’m not talking about the obvious scars such as the mastectomy scar on my left breast or the scar in my left armpit where they removed a sentinel node for biopsy.
I’m talking about emotional scars, and I am constantly discovering new ones.
Being a breast cancer survivor has made me mushy. I tell people I love them all the time. I’m a hugger now. Sure, I can still being a snarky bitch, but, in general, breast cancer has made me soft.
Also, everything makes me cry. Sad songs, sad commercials, someone else crying whether they are near me or on TV or in a movie make me cry, too.
The most recent scar I’ve discovered is that any little thing that is different about my body makes me think I have cancer again. Of course, it doesn’t help that every symptom you Google will tell you that you might have some sort of cancer.
“Stomach ache could be a symptom of stomach cancer.”
Seriously, if I feel nauseous or my head aches or my period is heavy (TMI, sorry), I worry that I have cancer. It doesn’t matter that the doctor just gave me a clean bill of health last month. That was last month. This month, I’m pretty sure this headache means I have brain cancer.
Actually, I know that’s not true. It’s either a side effect of the tamoxifen that the docs put me on, or it’s the side effects of going off of the tamoxifen the docs put me on. The nausea is just nausea. The headache is just a headache. The heavy period, well, that’s just a side effect of being a woman … and the tamoxifen. Thanks, tamoxifen.
Today I am wondering, will I always be this way or will time heal my emotional scars, too?