Yeah, so, I’m really happy that mighty, mighty good man David and I are leaving for Paris in a few weeks for our long-awaited honeymoon, because things around here are getting pretty bad.
First of all, the biggest assholes on the planet, also known as the Westboro Baptist Church, are planning to protest at Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral. I’m sure you’ve heard, Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with breast cancer this week, and the biggest assholes on the planet will be there to yell hateful things at mourners, including her two young children ages 12 and 10. Why? Because she said the Earth isn’t flat and it revolves around the Sun – does it really matter anymore?
The Westboro Baptist Church is filled with people who have no soul, no heart, no empathy. They are evil. And they are all gay. Yes, all of them! They are all self-hating gays. OK, maybe not all of them but definitely ringleader Fred Phelps. When Fred Phelps dies someone is going to find his big, gay porn stash. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Yes, yes, I know these hate-mongers have a right to protest. But, just because they have a right to do it doesn’t mean they should do it.
Thankfully, there is a counter protest planned, which is always entertaining. Counter protesters make the best signs.
Oh, and, the second biggest assholes on the planet, also known as the Republican Party, blocked a vote on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Why? Good question. I have no idea why. Our country is engaged in combat in multiple countries and they want to give intelligent soldiers the boot because they like to knock boots with people of the same sex? Are they afraid that the gays will make the military too fabulous? Come on! I can’t believe it’s almost 2011 and gays still cannot get legally married and can’t serve openly in the military. Seriously, the country should be ashamed on itself. We should be embarrassed.
Get your shit together, America! I’m going to France to drink wine and eat cheese, and then I’m off to Belgium to stuff my face with waffles and drink beer. When I get back you better have this all sorted out!
Sorry to get all ranty, but I get pissed off, dammit! Let me make it up to you. Here’s a cute picture of Homer that David took with his new camera:
One more thing, the latest installment of my Assignment X column, The Dork Side, is up. This week I air my Festivus grievances, including:
“George Lucas, please stop messin’ with the original STAR WARS trilogy (really, 3-D re-releases!) It was fine just the way it was. By the time you are finished with it, it’s going to be the Joan Rivers of movies.”
“It’s time for JERSEY SHORE to go away now, please. Do the right thing, MTV. (By the way, did you you know MTV is putting Snooki in the ball in Times Square for New Year’s Eve? Snooki is used to having balls inside of her so this is a serious change for her.)”
Yeah, you’re welcome for the imagery.