The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Feel me up, pat me down


Yeah, so, I got felt up at the airport, and I was fine with it.

When we were flying out of SFO to Paris for our honeymoon, I opted out of the full-body scan, choosing instead to let a nice TSA employee grope me. Why? Because that full-body scan involves radiation and radiation can increase your cancer risk.

I’ve already had cancer, thanks. I’ll pass on upping my chances of getting it again. Sure, there is no concrete evidence that the full-body scanner causes cancer, but there really isn’t any evidence proving that it won’t increase your chances, either. Plus, radiation does increase your chances of cancer. I don’t want to play the odds with cancer.

So, while David and I were standing in line at airport security I had to inform one of the security agents that I didn’t want to go through the scanner.

Me: “Hi. I don’t want to go through the full-body scanner. I want the pat down.”

Him: “Why?

Me: “Because of the radiation.”

Him: “You have a cell phone, don’t you?”

Me: “Umm, yes.”

Him: “Well, you get the same amount of radiation from your phone that you get from the scanner.”

Me: “Really, doctor? I would like the pat down, please.”

Clearly annoyed with me, the guard then proceeded to kinda make a scene about my request, yelling, “She’s opting out! She wants the pat down!” He grumpily ushered me into a separate area to wait for a female agent. When the female agent showed up, she took me to an area right outside where “regular” people were going through the scanners. You know, so everyone can watch: “Oh, that lady is feeling up that other lady. Is it getting hot in here or is it the radiation from the full-body scanner?” I was told to stand with my arms and legs out, so she could pat me down.

Her: “Anything I need to know.”

Me: “Yeah, my left boob is fake so it feels different.”

Her: “I’m not going to touch your breasts.”

Me: “Oh well, then I guess you didn’t need to know that.”

Then she proceeded to run her hands all over me. Sexy, right? Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t touch my junk. I don’t know what everyone was so upset about. I have gotten more action riding on a crowded Muni bus.



Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/podcaster/mother/goober in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, go on adventures with my mighty, mighty good man David and my awesome autistic son, Calvin, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

3 thoughts on “Feel me up, pat me down

  1. Wise choice not to go through the x-ray machine. And when that employee told you that the radiation was no different than that of your cell-phone he was lying to you — it’s not the same thing at all, believe me.

  2. “Oh well, then I guess you didn’t need to know that.”

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