The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

I’m not a good test taker

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Yeah, so, I really didn’t think I was pregnant the night I took the pregnancy test.

I really didn’t.

Even though we had been home for about two weeks, we were still basking in the glow our of two-and-a-half-week honeymoon in Paris and Belgium. We had no idea that while we were on that honeymoon we had created a tax deduction.

I snuggled up on the couch with some food and a big ol’ glass of wine when it occurred to me that something was missing.

“You know, my period really should have been here by now,” I said. Sure, during the last few months my monthly visitor had been flaky, never arriving on time, but last month it did.

“I’m sure you are not pregnant. The doctors said it could take a while, and we just started a month ago,” David replied.

“Yeah, I know, but if I am I kinda want to know right away.”

“Then take a test. It’s going to be negative, but go for it,” David said.

“I’m sure you are right, but I’m going to take it anyway,” I said.

So, I peed on a stick. It was instantly positive, and I was instantly scared to death. I have spent my entire sex life trying not to get pregnant: birth control pills, condoms, blow jobs. Now I’m holding this test that says I’m going to have a baby.

I came out of the bathroom, and I just stood there. David says my eyes were huge.

“Are you?” David asked.

I answered with a nod.

David came over and looked at the test. He hugged me. “You’re shaking,” he said.

“I’m scared,” I said. “I’m pregnant.”

We were in a state of shock. We didn’t think it would happen this fast. The doctors made it sound like I had a better chance of being struck by lightning then getting pregnant at 40. We didn’t think it would be this easy. We were happy, but we just couldn’t believe it.

“Well, maybe the test is wrong. You should test another one in the morning, just to be sure,” he said.

“Yes. It could be wrong. It isn’t, but it could be,” I said. “Well, I’m going to bed.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

We both pretended to sleep for a while.

“I wish I hadn’t had that wine,” I said.

“Oh please, it’s fine,” David replied.

“No, I mean, if I had know this was going to be the last glass of wine I was going to have for a while I would have opened a nicer bottle. That wine was crap I opened up like a week ago.”

The next morning, I took another test. It was positive.

“David, it’s still positive. I’m sure it’s accurate. Even I can’t screw up peeing on a stick. We’re going to have a baby.”

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

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