Yeah, so, I haven’t even given birth yet, but apparently I’m already a bad mom.
You see, I’m not going to breastfeed.
Dun, dun, DUN!
Yeah. I said it.
Apparently, not breastfeeding the spawn makes me the new Casey Anthony. Yes, by refusing to share my boob with the spawn, I’m basically chloroforming him and putting him a trunk so I can go out and party.
Usually, when people ask me about breastfeeding, I’m polite. But sometimes this happens:
Them: “Are you going to breastfeed?”
Them: “You’re not breastfeeding?! Why not?”
Me: “Because I hate my baby.”
I’m surprised that so many people have asked me about it. It’s a very personal question, isn’t it? When my sister was pregnant I didn’t ask her whether she was going to breastfeed, because I figured it’s not my business, and we’re gossipy sisters who talk about everything.
David reminded me that I write a really personal blog. I put it all out there for everyone. My life is an open book (blog), so I shouldn’t be surprised when people ask me personal questions. Valid point by the mighty, mighty good man. But still, that’s a super personal question, right? “Hey, are you planning to whip out your knocker to feed that thing you popped out of your vagina?”
I know that some people ask because they want to offer advice and they want to help. I totally get that. I have been asked this question by people who love me and they offer no judgment. And some people ask because they want to judge me. They are nosy as hell, and they can’t wait to judge me. They can’t wait to list off all the benefits and point out all the shit I’m doing wrong even though they don’t know anything about me. They don’t know the whole story. I call those people the Breastfeeding Nazis.
Well, go ahead and judge me, Breastfeeding Nazis. Bring it.
So, why am I not breastfeeding?
1) That’s none of your business. How dare you!
2) Readers of The Sonia Show know that I’m a breast cancer survivor. I had a left breast mastectomy back in October 2009. In other words, I only have one real boob. And really, isn’t breastfeeding a lot of to ask of my one healthy boob? I’ve known moms that can barely manage to feed one baby with two healthy boobs.
3) My oncologist wants me back on my cancer-preventing drug, tamoxifen, after the spawn is born, which means no breastfeeding. I had an estrogen-positive cancer, and estrogen has been running wild through my body for nine months. It’s time to put it back in its place to prevent the breast cancer reoccurring.
Now, when I’ve shared reason No. 3 with well-meaning breastfeeding advocates they say something like, “Oh, well, I read that breastfeeding actually reduces the risk of breast cancer.”
Well, I would love to take the advice you read in People Magazine, but I’m going to stick with the advice from the guy who went to school for this sort of thing, the oncologist. Cancer is his thing. Cancer is his bag. He’s wicked smart about it. But yeah, People Magazine is smart, too.
People love to talk about the benefits of breastfeeding, and, of course, there are plenty. But formula feeding isn’t bad either. These hardcore Breastfeeding Nazis make is sound like if I don’t breastfeed then my kid will grow up to an idiot.
“Poor Spawn. He wasn’t breastfed. He never had a chance.”
You know, I wasn’t breastfed. My siblings weren’t either. In fact, a lot of people I know were not breastfed. We all seem fine to me. There’s not a Forrest Gump among us.
I understand the benefits of breastfeeding. But I think me being cancer free and alive for the spawn so I can raise him right with my husband and watch him grow up to be a good man outweigh those benefits. Or maybe I’m just a selfish bitch who doesn’t want to share her one healthy boob with her baby.