Yeah, so, I’ve done a lot of things since getting knocked up that I never thought I would do, including getting knocked up in the first place.
For example, last week I bought a pack of Jell-O pudding cups, because it sounded good. I don’t think I’ve ever bought Jell-O pudding cups. But now, they sound like a perfectly good treat to keep in my little fridge at work.
Here’s a list of some other things I would have never done before I got impregnated with the spawn.
- I let people tell me how big I’ve gotten without punching them out.
- I allowed a random coworker to touch my belly without punching him out.
- I spent a sunny Saturday afternoon in San Francisco reading reviews of car seats and strollers on my laptop.
- I woke up at 3 a.m. and ate a stack of graham crackers in bed.
- I have actually thought, “They should make parking spaces for pregnant ladies.”
- One time, I cried on the couch for two hours for absolutely no reason. David would say something to make me laugh, and I would laugh for a minute before it would degenerate back into sobs. It was completely beyond my control and totally weird.
- I have limited myself to one weak-ass cup of coffee a day.
- I left a tearful message on my dad’s voicemail telling him the spawn is a boy. I don’t think I cried when I told him I had breast cancer.
- I have worn leggings under a dress.
- I wore a Breathe Right strip on my nose in front of my husband.
- I now think pregnancy and baby books are scarier than anything Stephen King has ever written.
- I left work in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store to buy garlic bread and then ate the entire loaf in my cubicle.
- I ask the waitstaff in restaurants about their nonalcoholic drinks. I have even used the word “mocktail.”
- I have said no to a glass of red wine or a cold beer. And I have purchased nonalcoholic beer (there’s one made by the Guinness folks that is pretty decent) or alcohol-free wine (which – by the way – tastes like ass).