The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

I never

8 Comments

Yeah, so, I’ve done a lot of things since getting knocked up that I never thought I would do, including getting knocked up in the first place.

For example, last week I bought a pack of Jell-O pudding cups, because it sounded good. I don’t think I’ve ever bought Jell-O pudding cups. But now, they sound like a perfectly good treat to keep in my little fridge at work.

Here’s a list of some other things I would have never done before I got impregnated with the spawn.

  • I let people tell me how big I’ve gotten without punching them out.
  • I allowed a random coworker to touch my belly without punching him out.
  • I spent a sunny Saturday afternoon in San Francisco reading reviews of car seats and strollers on my laptop.
  • I woke up at 3 a.m. and ate a stack of graham crackers in bed.
  • I have actually thought, “They should make parking spaces for pregnant ladies.”
  • One time, I cried on the couch for two hours for absolutely no reason. David would say something to make me laugh, and I would laugh for a minute before it would degenerate back into sobs. It was completely beyond my control and totally weird.
  • I have limited myself to one weak-ass cup of coffee a day.
  • I left a tearful message on my dad’s voicemail telling him the spawn is a boy. I don’t think I cried when I told him I had breast cancer.
  • I have worn leggings under a dress.
  • I wore a Breathe Right strip on my nose in front of my husband.
  • I now think pregnancy and baby books are scarier than anything Stephen King has ever written.
  • I left work in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store to buy garlic bread and then ate the entire loaf in my cubicle.
  • I ask the waitstaff in restaurants about their nonalcoholic drinks. I have even used the word “mocktail.”
  • I have said no to a glass of red wine or a cold beer. And I have purchased nonalcoholic beer (there’s one made by the Guinness folks that is pretty decent) or alcohol-free wine (which – by the way – tastes like ass).
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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

8 thoughts on “I never

  1. “I have worn leggings under a dress.”

    SONIA. YOU KNOW BETTER.

    • I know! I hate myself a little. I even debated not including that on the list. But as the belly got bigger, some of the maternity dresses got shorter and the only way I could possibly still wear them is with tights or leggings. Trust me, no one wants to see my chunky pregnancy legs.

      I like to think this is the only cringe-inducing fashion choice I made due to the spawn, but I guess I should let others be the judge of that.

  2. You haven’t seen “stork parking?” We have it all over the place, here.

  3. I left work in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store to buy garlic bread and then ate the entire loaf in my cubicle = duh, winning!

  4. Uhm, leggings are okay ! ! I wear them too and I think I dress well. ( so they say…. *.* )

  5. Graham crackers are good at any time of the day or night, pregnant or not. Just want to make that clear.

    Pregnancy books are, for the most part, stupid and evil, but it’s really hard to stop reading them. They mostly tended to freak me out. I also had to put a moratorium on Web browsing at some points, because I kept googling crap that scared me.
    There were some books about natural birth by Ina May Gartner (sp?) that were very reassuring, though. Lots of pleasant, happy birth stories. Super crunchy, and not totally realistic, but I found it reassuring after some of the “OHMYGODPAINSCARYARGMYBABYWILLHAVETWOHEADS!” stuff.

  6. I will email it to my very pregnant friend … im sure she will laugh her ass out or maybe cry .. who knows !

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