Yeah, so, maternity leave is awesome. I spend my days eating bon-bons and watching my stories. And by “bon-bons” I mean green grapes and by “stories” I mean “Law & Order” reruns.
I have been getting the house ready for the spawn’s arrival, but mainly I try to relax with my feet up. This doesn’t exactly make for fascinating blogs, which is why I haven’t written in a few days. I have some random TV thoughts that I’d like to share.
I thought I’d use my maternity leave to watch the first season of “Boardwalk Empire” and catch up before the new season starts this Sunday. Unfortunately, HBO doesn’t seem to want the show to have new viewers. Otherwise, it would have all the first season episodes On Demand, instead of starting with episode 7. Of course, they have episodes of “Sex and The City” and “The Sopranos” On Demand. Good thing, because you never know when someone will want to catch up with a show that hasn’t been on the air for years. Nicely done, HBO. Now it appears I won’t be watching this season of “Boardwalk Empire,” either. It’s not TV, it’s stupid.
I have never watched “Jon & Kate Plus 8” or “Kate Plus 8” or “Lady Who Treats Her Vagina Like a Clown Car” or whatever the hell it is called now, but I’m glad it got canceled, because I hate seeing the commercials for it while I watch “What Not To Wear.” Of course, Kate Gosselin is bitching that now that the show is over she has no way to support her family. Umm, how were you planning to support your eight kids before you got a TV show. Was that your only plan? I think there’s an obvious solution here: Kate and her kids should go live with the Duggars clan on “19 Kids and Counting.” They have so many damn kids, what’s eight more, really.
And, speaking of reality shows, I swore I wasn’t going to watch “Project Runway” anymore after last season’s horrible finale in which the judges handed the win to Gretchen over the obvious winner Mondo. It was like watching a movie in which the bad guys win. But, good buddies Kate and Katie were still planning to watch the new season, and I love talking about it with them, so I caved. Now I have a new contestant to hate: Olivier. What a total fuckin’ drip this kid is. He’s got some weird Madonna-esque British accent even though he grew up in Ohio. All of his clothes are beige and beiger. I think he sucks ass, but the judges think he’s the best thing since some other “Project Runway” contestant that no one remembers anymore.
Honestly, I was rather indifferent to him until last week when the designers had to — gasp — work with real women and not model. Oh the humanity! Then he went on some rant about how he doesn’t like to work with fat people (none of the women were even remotely overweight), and he doesn’t design for women with boobs. He had to ask someone to explain bra cup sizes to him. How can you be a designer and not know about cup size? Oh, and he said he wishes that women would just not talk.
Yeah, you’re really going to make it in the real world, Olivier. I bet “Project Runway” viewers can’t wait to see you win this season so they can not buy your clothing line, because it’s made for mannequins. My friend Rosie suggested that Olivier should get into taxidermy. I’m going one step further and suggesting that Olivier consider a career as a mortician.
Another “Project Runway” contestant that makes me cringe is Joshua. He’s a bully, and he likes to bedazzle everything. I can’t imagine he’s going to win the whole thing, but he adds drama, which the show needs otherwise it would just be a bunch of people sewing. Good buddy Katie has a theory about him:
I think Katie is spot on in her assessment. Unfortunately, Joshua is not as fun as “South Park’s” Big Gay Al. And I think Big Gay Al would design better clothes.
One more thing about “Project Runway,” I think the judges need to do a blind runway challenge. I don’t mean the designers should design blindfolded, although that might be fun to watch. What I mean is, I think the judges should not get a card that says who designed what as the clothes walk down the runway. The judges clearly have favorites, and I’d like to see how they score the designs when they have no idea who designed what. I think we would see some very different results, and I think Olivier would have been sent home by now, which makes me like the idea even more.
If you came to this blog hoping for a big ol’ bitch session about the whole Netflix thing, then I’m sorry to disappoint. It’s a stupid move on their part, for sure, but I still think it’s amazing that you can get all these movies in your own home for not that much money. I guess that makes me a silly old lady, but I still think it’s awesome and downright futuristic. It’s like living in Tomorrowland.
But yeah, Qwikster is a stupid name. Every time I hear it I think of this: