The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

In the bedroom

5 Comments

Yeah, so, after two nights at Kaiser, we were really looking forward to our first night at home.

Mighty, mighty good man David and I could sleep in our own bed. At Kaiser, I was in a hospital bed (obviously), while David slept on some horrible pull-out bed. And, we had all these things for the Spawn: A little bouncey chair, soft blankets, a cute, little sheep that makes ocean sounds while he sleeps. We couldn’t wait to show him around his home.

Also, I really miss Homer when we are away from him.

Sure, it’s a little nerve-wracking to be alone with the baby without a nurse being a button-push away, but fear was trumped by exhaustion, and we wanted to crawl into our bed and go to sleep.

So, during our first night home, we got to bed pretty early; maybe 10 p.m., if not earlier. The Spawn is out cold in his bassinet in our bedroom. His sheep is making ocean noises, and Spawn is making his cute baby noises. Within minutes of getting into bed, David is asleep and snoring.

I was so tired. I was so jealous that my boys were asleep and I was not.

Homer was at the foot of the bed, and he decided it was a good time to start licking his own ass.

So, to the right of me is the Spawn with his cute baby noises, and to the left is snoring David. At my feet is Homer, cleaning his asshole.

And I was not sleeping.

“This is hell,” I thought to myself.

I let it go on for a long time before I finally did something about it. You’d think I would nudge Homer and tell him to stop his ass cleaning for the night. But no, I decided to nudge David about his snoring, because I’m an asshole.

I know what you are thinking, and yeah, David is a lucky man.

"I make cute baby noises while I sleep. They will keep you awake at night, but I'm so cute you will be helpless to do anything about it."

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

5 thoughts on “In the bedroom

  1. Great kid you guys got there. Good job.

    That’s a fantastic photo. Who took it, where, with what camera, and how?

  2. Yeah, nobody tells you how much noise newborns make when they sleep. It freaks you right the fuck out, and Mommy hormones make sure that you’re keenly tuned to their every peep and cry. Just as you get used to all the grunting, squeaking, and weird breathing, they stop doing that. I recommend earplugs, honestly. 🙂

  3. Trying to get a wiener dog to stop cleaning his asshole is a nonstarter. I’ve tried. Nothing helps besides distraction-by-cheddar cheese. I think you did the right thing.

  4. Yep. I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling in the first few months while the menfolks snored. Usually with racing thoughts and occasional random bouts of tears. Stupid mommy hormones.

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