Yeah, so, David and I have a big parenting decision to make, and we need to make it soon.
Our kid isn’t going to dress himself up for Halloween.
In just a few years, mighty, mighty good man David and I will have no say in what costumes the Spawn wears for Halloween. He will want to pick out his own costume.
Spawn: “No, Mom, I’m not wearing that pumpkin costume.”
Me: “This is the thanks I get for carrying you around for 9 months and ruining my smokin’ hot yoga body? You know, maybe it’s time you start looking for your own place. You’re 4 years old now. Aren’t you a little old to still be living with your parents?”
So, yeah, this means that we have to humiliate him now with disgraceful costumes before it’s too late.
Last year, every mom in Potrero Hill was dressed up as a bee keeper and their baby was a bee. I am not joking. Every mom. It must have been decided upon during a neighborhood meeting or something. We will not be doing that. I’m allergic to bees. Besides, we live in Glen Park now.
We have a Wookie costume, but the Spawn is still too small for it, so we are saving it for next Halloween. My sister suggested that we dress the Spawn up as our dog Homer and dress Homer up as the Spawn. Funny idea, but Homer won’t go for it.
The problem is we have no idea what embarrassing costume to go with. We have too many options. Here’s a few of our ideas:
Michele Bachmann: The Spawn gets these crazy eyes, like he is staring through me, which makes me think he could seriously rock a Bachmann costume. Also, he makes a bunch of noise that doesn’t make any sense just like Michele Bachmann. Bonus parenting points for dressing the baby in drag.
Gollum: This would be an easy one. Gollum even wears a diaper. Of course, if wearing a diaper is the top requirement, we could dress the Spawn up as Rupert Murdoch.
Hipster: I could get him some hard-rimmed glasses and a T-shirt for a band you’ve never heard of such as Daycare Fire.
Winston Churchill: A little suit and a hat, and we’re done.
Rebel leader: Inspired by “Total Recall,” we would just have to put the Spawn in a Baby Bjorn to pull this one off … Oh, and make him look hideously ugly.
Charlie Brown: The Spawn is a bit of a blockhead. See?
The Dramatic Chipmunk: The Spawn looks at us like this … a lot. This costume would be a natural fit for him.