Yeah, so, I bought some new clothes.
I haven’t lost enough of the pregnancy weight to wear my old clothes, and I don’t like wearing the maternity clothes anymore. Maternity clothes are all about showing off a belly that I’m now trying to conceal, and squeezing into my pre-pregnancy clothes is really sad and making me feel like I’m living in some sort of weight denial – like I could be featured on a TLC series titled, “I Didn’t Know I Was Fat.” I figured some clothes that actually fit would improve my mental state. Trying to put on my pre-Spawn clothes is just setting myself up for failure. I’m not there yet.
I didn’t want to spend a ton on what I’m calling “transition” clothes, since I am dieting and exercising in an effort to drop the weight. For the love of god, I ate celery yesterday. Celery!!! So, I gave myself a modest budget and went to Old Navy for a few basics: a pair of jeans, a couple of tops and a sweater.
I’m proud of myself for two reasons.
1) I only went $40 over the amount I was planning to spend. Not bad considering I also picked up a coat to replace the one that some stupid bitch stole from me and a few cute outfits for the Spawn, including a onesie with the Batman symbol. I mean, come on!
2) I didn’t break down in the store and start crying. I had no concept of what size pants I would fit into. I feel so gigantic that I was worried that everything I tried on would make me feel even worse. What I discovered was my body isn’t as bad off as I thought. I bought a pair of size 12 jeans. Now, that’s a far cry from the 4s and 6s I was wondering a year ago, but honestly, it could be worse.
Oh, and I’ve got some serious hips now. Umm, I kinda like ’em. I could live with these hips. I think they’re kinda sexy. It’s the flabby belly that kills the awesome hourglass shape I’ve got going on.
So yeah, am I comfortable being a size 12? Not really. I’m not comfortable in my own skin these days. But after three breast cancer surgeries and now popping out a spawn, this body has been through a lot. Plus, I’m 41. My body doesn’t bounce back like it used to. I suspect losing the pregnancy weight is going to be a struggle. I’m not looking to be a super model here. I just want to wear my old clothes. I like those clothes. I spent a lot of time picking them out and a lot of money purchasing them.
And let me go on the record that I am in no way suggesting that anyone who wears a size 12 is fat. I am only saying that I am not comfortable being a size 12. It doesn’t feel like me. Also, as a breast cancer survivor and a new mom, it is my duty to prevent cancer from returning, and eating a healthy diet and maintaining a healthy weight is important.