Yeah, so, mighty, mighty good man David and I are hoping to get out and see some movies soon, because there are a few playing in theaters right now that we really want to see.
“The Muppets,” “Hugo,” “The Artist:” But you know what we won’t be seeing? “War Horse.”
The preview alone make me want to cry. Well, it also kinda creeps me out. At one point, the kid says to the horse, “Wherever you are, I will find you.” I think Daniel Day Lewis says something very similar to Madeline Stowe in “The Last of the Mohicans,” which makes me think “War Horse” is a movie about, errr, forbidden love.
But, put the bestiality vibe aside and the preview mainly makes me want to cry.
You know there are dead horses in the movie, right?
Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert.
There are totally dead horses in the movie. The movie is called “War Horse.” That means there are two things in the movie: War and horses. Do the math: War + horses = dead horses.
Yeah, I’m not paying $11 or more to see a movie with dead horses. I can see dead animals at my parents’ house for free.
I don’t like movies that star animals. Inevitably, the animal is hurt, put in danger or – worse – killed, and I embarrass myself by bawling like a baby in the theater. I had friends watch “Babe” for me to tell me if it was safe for me to watch. Movies such as “Old Yeller” remain unwatched by me. I would never recover. Never!
Spoiler alert, for reals this time. Don’t read any further if you don’t want to read about animals dying in movies.
I saw the Michael Moore documentary “Roger & Me” in the theater. Remember the lady who is selling rabbits for pets or food? There was a scene in which a rabbit was put in a cage with a snake and killed. I ran out of the theater sobbing.
[Interesting side note: My sister and I had rabbits when we were kids. My parents wanted them for food. We thought they were pets. I think you can see where this is going. One day, my dad started killing some of the rabbits. They made a horrible screaming noise when they were killed. I ran down the street to a friend’s house crying, and I really hated my dad for a while after. It was my “Silence of the Lambs” moment, and I can still hear the screaming of the rabbits. I’m traumatized for life. True story. Remind me to share the story about how The Man choked an antelope to death in front of me. Seriously.]
“Dances with Wolves” – I got up and ran out of the theater in tears when the wolf, Two Socks, was shot by those assy soldiers.
“I Am Legend” – The dog gets bit by the zombie creatures and starts turning into one, so Will Smith has to kill it … Excuse me, I have something in my eye. … I blubbered in the theater for the remainder of the film – well beyond the appropriate time to cry about a dog dying in a science fiction movie. The person I saw the movie with was embarrassed. Of course, he was an asshole anyway, so I’m glad he was embarrassed.
My sensitivity isn’t limited to live-action movies. Not only did the first 15 minutes of “Up” completely wreck me, but I started weeping when the bird got dragged away from her babies.
I know, right? I’m ridiculous.
Oh, and by the way, I’ve seen a million movies with human beings getting hurt or killed – very few have made me cry, which makes me a complete asshole, right?
I’m not saying I saw “Schindler’s List” and shrugged my shoulders and thought, “Meh.” But plenty of movies and TV shows involve death and/or murder it doesn’t wreck me like that chimp dying in that ’80s Matthew Broderick movie, “Project x.”
This is why I’m not seeing “War Horse.” I don’t care if it gets 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and wins the Oscar for Best Picture. Thanks, but no thanks.