Yeah, so, we’re back from Hawaii. Aloha, or something.
I have a ton of stories to share, but I’m going to start with the plane rides, because everyone has been asking me how the plane rides with the Spawn went, and also, well, because I say so.
Mighty, mighty good man David and I have never traveled with a baby before. Well, not really anyway. The last time I was on a plane I was flying home from Paris in 2011, and I was knocked up, but I didn’t know it yet. I also drank a lot of wine on that flight. You’re welcome, kid.
The flight to Hawaii isn’t super long – 5 hours – but it feels like 25 hours when you’ve got a kid to entertain. The Spawn is only 11 months old. He’s not old enough to hand an iPad and say, “Here. Watch something and be quiet.”
I have been on a flight with a crying baby. It sucks for everyone. All the passengers get annoyed, and the parents get embarrassed and upset, which sometimes makes the babies cry even more. I like to think that I’ve always been understanding in that situation, so good karma was coming my way.
Luckily, The Boy was pretty good. We brought plenty of snacks, and I handed him a bottle at take off and landing to help him unplug his ears. He cried a little when we were landing on Hawaii, but it was for just a few minutes. In between the take off and landing, the Spawn used his dad as a human jumperoo and spent a lot of time staring at the back of the plane. That’s where all the action is.
We were sitting in the aisle and middle seat. There was a woman sitting in the window seat. I felt bad for her; trapped in a row with an 11-month-old. Calvin was all smiles for her, though, because my boy fancies himself a ladies man. David also treated our seatmate to a drink. After that, she was all good with us. In fact, she told us all about her life; how she is moving to Hawaii to start a “community.” It was like sitting next to Burning Man.
On the way home, we got an entire row to ourselves. Calvin loved staring out at the window.
The Boy even took a little nap at one point. David and I sat silently drinking our beer. It was awesome.
Later in the flight, The Boy was sitting on David’s lap when a flight attendant walked by and made eye contact with him. He smiled and reached out for her. “I’m willing if you are,” she said. She proceeded to walk up and down the aisle, handing out drinks with our kid in her arms. After a week of us, he was so over us, I guess. “Please, complete stranger. Take me away from all this.” He looked as happy as can be, going up and down the aisle with that flight attendant. Calvin loves attention. Every person was forced to look at him and he got a lot of smiles, which what he wants. After the flight, several passengers said good-bye to Calvin.
There was one serious fail on my part. When I was prepping the diaper bag for the flight home, I filled up all the bottles with water to have them at the ready for formula. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t do that when flying to Hawaii. I only did it when flying home. Of course, I got stopped at security. I had to stand there, looking like a nerdy terrorist, while some security guard busted out what looked like a chemical set and tested all the water in the bottles. I was so embarrassed, but I tried to refrain from making any jokes, which is my default thing to do when embarrassed. One stupid joke about explosive baby bottles and the formula being anthrax could land me on the no-fly list. So, learn from my mistake: Don’t fill up your baby bottles before security.
Flying with a baby is super stressful. It’s like going on an airplane with a little time bomb that could go off at any second and ruin the flight for everyone. Oh wait. Will referring to a baby as a time bomb get me on the no-fly list?