Yeah, so, one of my least favorite things is taking the Spawn to the doctor.
A few weeks ago, The Spawn hit the one-year mark, so he had to go to the doctor for his checkup. We knew in advance that this doctor appointment was going to completely suck. The doctor warned us three months ago that he would be getting a ton of shots and have blood drawn at this appointment.
If you have never been in the room while someone sticks your baby with needles, well then you are really missing out, my friend. And by “missing out” I mean, incredibly lucky, because it’s the worst.
Before the nurse proceeded to jab our adorable baby with needles, she offered to jab us with a needle first. It’s flu shot season, folks. Since we are adults and complete pussies, we got our flu vaccine in the form of a one-time nasal spray. Oh yeah, by the way, that’s a thing now. You can get the flu “shot” in nasal spray form. The future is today!
After we snorted our flu vaccine, I started to make a bottle for The Boy. A bottle is always comforting to the little guy when he is upset.
“Mom is making you a therapy bottle,” David said to Calvin.
“You know what’s weird, Calvin? My therapy comes in a bottle, too,” I said.
The nurse really liked that joke. I suspect a lot of parents don’t make alcoholism jokes in the doctor’s office.
And that was pretty much the end of the fun. Shot time goes like this: The Spawn sits on mighty, mighty good man David’s lap. He’s all smiles for the nurse, because she’s a lady, and Calvin loves the ladies. Then she starts sticking him with needles, and he starts screaming his head off. Red face. Big tears. He looks at me like, “Do something! She’s hurting me!” But I can’t do anything. Instead, I just stand there holding his therapy bottle and saying things like, “Oh baby. I know. It’s terrible. It’s going to be OK.” I sound like an asshole.
After she is finished, he continues to cry. She starts packing up her stuff, and she says, “You were so brave.” Then Calvin smiled at her. Seriously. She stuck him with four needles, and he still had a smile for her. He’s such a sweet kid.
Sadly, getting jabbed with needles wasn’t quite over for the Spawn. We had to go downstairs, and he had to get his blood drawn. We sat in the lab with a few other ladies and a couple of kids. I was distracting myself from what was coming by obsessively checking the score to the San Francisco Giants vs. Cincinnati Reds game. (The Giants won, because they are awesome! Game five!)
When they called our number, I turned to everyone waiting and I said, “I’m sorry for what you are about to hear.” They laughed, knowingly.
The nice lab workers tried to distract Calvin, but you can’t really distract a one-year-old from the fact that you are stabbing them in the arm. He screamed. Red face again. Big tears again. She tried putting the needle in his left arm first, but she couldn’t find a vein. She had to do the right arm. So, yeah, The Boy got pricked twice. Terrible. David basically had to hold him down, while I patted David on the back and tried not to faint. It’s an awful feeling when someone is hurting your kid, even when it’s for a good reason.
When it was over, and the little cotton balls were taped to his arms, the lab tech said to Calvin, “You were so brave,” and – wait for it – he smiled at her. WTF? Then we pulled back the curtain to reveal a line of women and kids waiting to have their blood drawn. The kids were all traumatized, after listening to this baby lose his shit. But Calvin was all smiles for them. I think I heard a woman actually say, “Is that the same baby that was crying?” And another mom said to her kids, “See? He’s fine.”
Once again, I am in awe of how good natured this kid is. He is truly a sweet kid. He had every reason to give a nasty look to these lab techs and nurses. Instead, he gave them smiles. He’s good people.
We weren’t in the car for more than three minutes before he fell asleep. By then it was 5 p.m., and he had only one short nap earlier in the day. Also, getting shots is exhausting. We didn’t want to wake him. Instead, we went to Joe’s Cable Car Restaurant. We ordered hamburgers and onion rings to go and ate in the parking lot while the kid slept, because we’re all thoughtful and shit.
And now, here’s your reward for reading this post: Cute baby photos!