The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Stop bugging me, spiders

4 Comments

Yeah, so, mighty, mighty good man David has a few jobs around the house. Well, he does a lot of things, but there are two main jobs that are absolutely his thing: He takes out the trash, and he kills the spiders.

I was forced to kill a spider myself this week, because he was traveling for work. This is a big deal, because I am horribly afraid of spiders. Seriously, I don’t even want them looking at me.

The spider was in the bathtub. Of course, I didn’t want to get too close to it because then it will instantly increase in size and bite me (duh), so I threw a shoe at it from the bathroom door. It only took me two tries to hit it. With accuracy like that, I could probably get a starting spot in the San Francisco Giants pitching rotation.

I know some of you will be outraged that I killed a spider and possibly notify PETA. I do not like killing spiders. I don’t like killing anything except a bottle of red wine. In my defense, IT WAS A SPIDER, AND IT WAS IN MY HOUSE! Spiders and I have a deal. If you stay outside, we’re cool. If you come inside my house, you go squish now.

Oh, and I would like to throw under the bus mention that my sister Michelle was hanging out Wednesday night, and she also killed a spider that was in my tub. That’s two spiders in a week hanging out in my bathtub.

So, you guys, why are spiders hanging out in my bathtub?! You’d think that’s the last place they’d want to hang out seeing as how they are not known for their swimming abilities. Are they dirty? Do they want to take a bath? I’m afraid that one day I will walk into my bathroom and there will be a spider chilling in a bubble bath in the tub, maybe there will be some lit candles and a glass of wine. It will shriek when I come in and hold up a towel to cover its naughty bits: “Do you mind?!”

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

4 thoughts on “Stop bugging me, spiders

  1. They end up in the tub because as they go around your house killing bugs for you, they eventually wander down into the tub and can’t get out. He was probably calling your name for hours and was relieved that you had finally come in to help….

  2. I do not enjoy your theory that my house is full of bugs, and I need a spider to kill them. That, sir, is a false statement! Spiders are not pets. He wasn’t killing bugs for ME, and he can kill all the bugs he wants OUTSIDE. That’s the deal.

  3. Killing spiders is my job, too, only I do it like you. Because I have the same deal with them.

    Also, what’s up with the rotation this year? Killing me!

    • You know, two seasons ago we had stellar pitching, but we were asking, “where are the bats?” Now we have the bats, and the pitching has gone downhill. I’m trying to have faith that they will pull it together, but until then Bumgarner can’t pitch every night.

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