The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

‘He likes to butt things with his head’

5 Comments

Yeah, so, when I’m out in public, I like to eavesdrop on people’s conversations because I’m a nosy fuck.

Sometimes it’s a couple having a passive aggressive argument. Sometimes its a couple of ladies talking shit about another one of their girlfriends over mimosas: “She thinks she knows me. That bitch doesn’t really know me. Don’t tell her I said that.” And, of course, the conversation I overhear a lot is the one in which a parent brags about their child. It’s usually two moms in a restaurant or at Target, each trying to one up the other with a story about how advanced little Jayden/Aiden/Sophia/Bella is.

  • “He’s only 9 months old, but he’s crawling at a 12-month-old level.”
  • “My daughter just finished reading all the ‘Game of Thrones’ books and she’s only in first grade.”
  • “My toddler did our tax return this year.”
  • “My 7-year-old son saw ‘Fast & Furious 6’ and understood everything that was going on even though he hadn’t seen the first five ‘Fast & Furious’ movies. He is so smart!”

Judging by the amount of boasting I hear, you’d think the world is filled with genius children. I try not to laugh out loud. They are proud parents. I get it.

Meanwhile, this is what my life is like …

I kid. I’m super proud of the Spawn. He’s a sweet, funny little guy with a smile that just kicks me right in my assy, sarcastic heart. (#humblebrag) My Boy hardly ever runs around with a bucket on his head. I, however, do it all the time. Seriously, I’ll pretty much do anything for a laugh, including prop comedy.

He doesn’t run around with a bucket on his head, but The Boy is a little bit of a daredevil. He likes to climb everything. He loves to stand on chairs. He loves to sit on the counter. If he can climb up and almost fall off, he’s into it. He takes all the cushions off the couch and jumps on them. If we take him a park, he will throw himself down a slide, while I stand nearby and try not to have a panic attack. Look, I don’t want to be a crazy helicopter parent. I just want to wrap my son in bubble wrap, is that so wrong?

swinger

I would love to show you a photo of The Boy doing something daredevily, but I’m always running around with my arms outstretched trying to catch him when he falls, which leaves me with no time to snap a photo. I only have photos of him on the swing.

snowwhite

Here’s The Boy telling Snow White to stop talking. Shortly after this photo was taken, he jumped into a mud puddle, and we had to chase him down and strip him in front of horrified families at Children’s Fairyland.

I was not a daredevil kid. My mom said they used to call me “Cautious Sonia.” I was very careful. I think I am still like that. I’ll just say no to roller coasters and other things that people think are fun but I’m petrified of, such as watching “Real Housewives” shows or doing recreational drugs.

My sister Michelle was always more of a daredevil when we were kids, especially when I was standing right next to her saying, “You could totally jump that on your bike. Do it!”

By the way, Michelle’s daughter Lucy is almost 5 years old, and she can do the entire dance routine from Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.” Genius!

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

5 thoughts on “‘He likes to butt things with his head’

  1. One time The Boy climbed up to the top of a stack of cases of water at Trader Joe’s. He ended up about 3 feet above my reach. When the manager scolded me all I could think of saying was “well, maybe you shouldn’t have built your stack like a staircase. What was my (then) 2 year old supposed to do? ignore it?

    Oh yeah, and all three my kids have taught themselves how to play the viola, speak french and sing the periodic table of elements song, all before they were 6 months old.

  2. PUtting in a request for a video of lucy.

  3. Pingback: Parenting fails | The Sonia Show

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