Yeah, so, I talk a lot.
I’ve got something to say about everything. Mighty, mighty good man David can’t watch anything on TV without me opening my big, fat yapper. “This movie played at the movie theater I worked at … did I ever tell you about the time … I read this article in Entertainment Weekly … I saw on one of my nerdy TV sites that … I saw on Twitter that …”
I talk to the Spawn a lot, too. “I’m putting on your pants. Here’s your bear. Let’s put on your shoes. Do you want to watch Elmo? What do you think about the royal baby, Calvin? Yeah, I don’t care either.”
I even talk to the dog. “Who’s a good boy? The Giants’ pitching has been less than stellar tonight, don’t you think, Homer?”
And, of course, I talk to myself out loud in my house, in the car, in my cube, wherever. It’s usually along the lines of “Don’t forget to buy milk, stupid” and “Don’t forget where you parked the car again, dum-dum.”
I’m not an inappropriate talker, though. I mean, I’m inappropriate (obviously). But I don’t talk in movie theaters. I don’t take a phone call and start chatting during a memorial service. But yeah, I talk a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone wrote a book titled, “Shut The Fuck Up, Sonia” and it was narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.
Considering how much I babble, you’d think that I wouldn’t be surprised by the things that I say. I mean, at some point, I’m going to say everything there is to say, right?
With that in mind, here’s a list of 10 things I never thought I would hear myself say:
- “I’m not buying that generic dish soap anymore. It just doesn’t stay sudsy for very long.”
- “Come here. Let me smell your butt.”
- “Did you smell his butt?”
- “I would love to watch that movie we got from Netflix, but it’s 8 p.m., and it’s two hours long.”
- “Stop eating the Kleenex.”
- “How many Weight Watchers points is a burrito?”
- “Don’t kiss the dog’s butt!”
- “I think my favorite puppet on the Baby Einstein DVDs is the hippo.”
- “I have to wash poop off my hands.”
- “No more beer for me. I have to go home and be a responsible parent.”