Yeah, so, I can’t drink wine like I used to.
My tolerance has diminished over the years. I used to go to a party and have a few glasses of wine like it ain’t no thang. Now, if I go out to dinner, and I have one or two glasses of wine, and I’m might be fine. But, if I’m at a party where the wine is flowin’ and I have three or more glasses of wine? Well, things end badly for me and my stomach.
Is this because I don’t drink wine that often anymore? I’ve turned into a beer girl. I can have a few beers at a party and be fine. Wine makes me whine the next day.
What happened? I used to be so awesome at drinking wine. It was my thing. I could have listed it as a skill on LinkedIn. I was so good at it I was labeled a potential binge drinker by Kaiser. Now I can’t have more than a few glasses before I turn into a slurring, loud jerk, also known as Drinky Sonia.
Drinky Sonia gets really loud. She talks like she’s in a crowded bar, even though she isn’t. She blurts out assy things that require apologies the next morning. She gets really excited to tell jokes and stories, interrupting anyone else who dares to try to speak. She can often be overheard saying things such as “Ugh! I’ve got the hiccups,” and “I’m not as drunk as you think I am.” Drinky Sonia isn’t as much fun as Slightly Buzzed Sonia. Drinky Sonia falls asleep in her clothes with all her makeup still on.
Drinky Sonia appeared at my own Oscar party earlier this year, and she reappeared on Sunday at a friends’ barbecue. As like everything in my life, my behavior at this barbecue reminds me of a scene from “The Simpsons.”
I sent my customary morning-after apology email to my friends, and they insisted I was totally fine. They are nice people, and that’s why we are friends. My stomach has not been as nice.
But, of course, maybe I’m being overly harsh on myself. Everyone was pretty tipsy at that barbecue. I mean, look at what happened to the Spawn.
Or maybe I will just stick with beer.