Yeah, so, this week’s “Sonia Show Classics” is one of the many columns I wrote about living with roommates.
I had a few different roommates in college. At one point in my college days, I was living in a townhouse with three roommates, all male. Actually, now that I think about it – with the exception of my friend Tonya – all my roommates were men. Fascinating.
So anyway, without further adieu, I present to you this week’s “Sonia Show Classics,” “Sleep tight, don’t let the roommate bite.”
I think my roommate is trying to kill me.
I don’t mean he doesn’t pay his rent. I don’t mean he is just a source of stress for me. I mean he is literally trying to kill me.
He has threatened to kill me many times, but I always thought he was kidding. He has often said, “Goddamn it, Mansfield! If you don’t shut your stinkin’ trap up, I’m going to get my baseball bat and beat the hell out of you. I don’t want to hear your theory about ‘Flashdance’ and the victimization of women.”
I thought surely he wasn’t serious. I thought he was threatening my life the same way some friends threaten to kick each others ass. But this is no joke.
Looking back now I see all the times he tried to kill me; the railings on the stairs that weren’t very sturdy that caused a nasty fall, the hanging chandelier that almost fell on my head, the time he came at me with a knife. How could I have been so blind? But he finally slipped up and it was then that it became obvious what he was trying to do. I guess sabotaging my coffee maker wasn’t as subtle as he thought.
In order to prevent any unnecessary deaths I thought I would put my experience as a possible murder victim to good use and compose a list of signs that your roommate is trying to kill you.
- They set you up on a blind date with O.J. Simpson.
- They are always offering to buy you Taco Bell for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
- “All right, who put the toaster in the bathtub?”
- “This is my apartment. If you live to see the dawn it is because I allow it. I decide who lives and who dies.”
- They tape every episode of “Models Inc.” and “Grace Under Fire,” tie you down, pry your eyelids open, and make you watch them all while listening to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album.
- “How about a nice, cool glass of Raid, err … lemonade?”
- They are always making snide comments like “Have you had your brakes checked lately?” and “Goodnight, don’t let the bed bugs kill you,” then they let out a weaselly little laugh.
- They are always renting “Kill Me Again” and self-help videos like “How To Kill Your Roommate and Get Away With It.”
- They refer to your bedroom as the morgue, because that’s where the dead guy sleeps.
- They try to convince you that emergency’s number has been changed to 912.
- You catch them trying to shove your pet rabbit into a boiling pot.
- They are always mumbling how their life would be so much better if it weren’t for that damn Three Strikes law.
- They took all your CDs and replaced with with vinyl singles of Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” and “Sussudio” by Phil Collins.
- They continually try to give you a heart attack by waking you up every morning and saying, “I can’t believe Governor Wilson is now President Wilson.”
- Chili, chili, chili: That’s all they eat anymore.
- They dare you to open the Ark and look into it.
- They get you an audition for “Faces of Death 6.”