Yeah, so, back in my college, sports wasn’t really my thing.
I know, right? Surprise!
Actually, sports are still not really my thing, except for baseball, which is awesome. I don’t know jack about football or soccer or that other sport people seem to like. I knew even less back then, so it was pretty weird when the sports editor of the college newspaper asked me to write a column for the sports section. I think the regular columnist was taking a break or something, and they needed someone to fill the space.
I think I wrote a total of two columns for the sports section. After reading this one you will see why I wasn’t asked to continue.
For me, playing sports is a lot like sex: I’m always picked last for the team, or I just end up watching.
When I do get to play, the game always gets called due to rain, the other team forfeits, or I pull a groin muscle. Either way, I never get to score.
I’ve lost many a player because his contract was up, or I had to trade him to another team. Usually, so I could get a better player who scored more often.
I’ve had to end many relationships due to fumbling, going out of bounds and personal fouls. And some people have even dumped me because of unsportmanlike conduct, and I’ve had to sit out a couple of games because no one likes a spoiled sport.
Sports, I just don’t get ’em.
So, what’s with this whole sports thing anyway? I can’t help but wonder why so many people are into it, but I have a theory.
My theory is that sports are very sexual or why else would so many people be into them. Because it’s competitive? Nope. Because there’s nothing else to do? Nope. Because there’s nothing else to watch? Not as long as “Melrose Place” is on the air. Because it reminds people of knockin’ boots? You got it.
The names of the equipment used to play sports are totally pornographic. If you were to listen to just names you would think you were browsing the Adults Only section in The Underground. “Balls,” “stick,” “cup,” oh my!
The World Series, the Super Bowl, the Olympics: They are just big sports orgies. I feel cheap and dirty watching them. God, I could never watch sports with my dad in the room. I would be mortified.
And what about some of the “positions” one can play in sports – wide receiver, tight end. Need I say more?
Do I even need to talk about wrestling?
And don’t get me started on some of the phrases used in sports. OK, get me started. Here’s a short list: Things that sound dirty in sports, but aren’t:
- Making a pass or incomplete pass
- Fast ball, slow ball, curve ball or playing hard ball. You get the drift.
- Going all the way
- Benching a player
- Calling it a “draw”
- Broad jumping
- “No rim, nothing but net”
- Slapping the pigskin
- Pulling a player out
- Pop out, fouling out or fly out
- Getting a piece of the ball
- Turnover or conversion