Yeah, so, as you know the Spawn couldn’t hear for about a year, so language-wise he’s got some catching up to do. He’s doing so awesome, though. Every day he is saying new words, and he is really trying.
We want to do everything we can to help him catch up, so we are going to do speech therapy through Kaiser. It’s been a process to get him approved, but he is approved, and we’re excited to get started. We had to fill out a lot of forms. I had to take and make a lot of calls, which isn’t super easy when you work in a cube. I had to find a private place at work to make phone calls, and since I work at a printing company I had to find a private space that wasn’t hear a running printing press. Good times. I had to answer a lot of the same questions over and over. On top of a language delay due to a hearing loss, the doctors want to check to make sure there are not developmental delays or that he has autism, which he does not, but I appreciate that they are being thorough. Still, it sucks repeating yourself and running to hide behind the paper stacks every time the phone rings.
One of the questions I was asked repeatedly was, “Does your child pretend to talk on the phone?”
Me: “Umm, no.”
[They mark something on their sheet.]
Me: “Why are you writing that down? He doesn’t pretend to talk on the phone because I don’t talk on the phone around him.”
Twice we walked into the speech therapist’s office and both times the first thing she did was pick up this phone. Remember this phone?
Her: “Hello. Calvin, it’s for you. Do you want to talk on the phone?”
Me: “He doesn’t know what that is.”
[She marks something on her sheet.]
He doesn’t know what that is, not because he has some developmental delay. He doesn’t know what that is because it’s a ROTARY PHONE! I told my good buddy Jess this story: “Does Calvin pretend to churn butter, Sonia?” was her hilarious response. I’m still laughing just typing out that line.
We don’t have a landline. I don’t really talk on the phone around Calvin. I’m usually focused on Calvin. Jess asked me how would a toddler even learn to talk on the phone these days.
Me: “I guess from watching old movies,” I responded.
Jess: “Hey ma, I’m gonna answer the phone, see?” (pulls cigar out of the corner of his mouth)
I realize what the doctors are really asking about is imaginative play. They want to know if Calvin pushes a train and says “choo choo” or tries to feed a stuffed animal; you know, stuff like that. FYI: He does push a train and say “choo choo,” but no he doesn’t try to feed stuffed animals. He feeds our actual real-life dog, though. Does that count?
My point is the doctors need to update their questionnaire. Are they diagnosing children with developmental delays based on the fact that they don’t pretend to talk on the phone? Even my mom doesn’t talk on the phone anymore. I don’t like the idea that the doctors are maybe labeling my son because he doesn’t pretend to do something that no one does anymore. “Does your son pretend to use a fax machine?”
Here’s another example of a random question: “Does your child know the stove is hot? If you tell him it’s hot, will he not touch it?”
What a silly question. That question suggests that I cook in front of my son. Ha ha! My kid thinks that food magically appears hot and ready to eat at the front door.
So anyway, on Sunday, Calvin picked up David’s iPhone and start tapping at the screen. Now I’m debating if I should email the doctors and tell them that my son is pretending to text and send emails.
Oh, one more thing: The Boy is officially bottle-free. Finally. He is going to bed with minimal whining, and I threw all the bottles away the other day. I love not having to wash bottles. I don’t know what I will do with all my free time. Just kidding. I’ll drink beer and watch baseball.