Yeah, so, I hardly ever see commercials anymore, because I hardly ever watch live TV anymore.
The only time I see commercials is when I watch San Francisco Giants games, and those commercials are the worst. Judging by the content of the commercials, businesses who buy airtime during the games assume that everyone watching is a stupid drunk. Well, they are half right.
I’m not even talking about the low budget local commercials, either. Although, those are pretty terrible. San Francisco treasure TK reviewed all the SF Giants players in commercials on his blog, 40Goingon28. I will just leave this riiight here.
And I am kinda obsessed with the commercials for The Solar Company. It’s not any solar company, it’s THE Solar Company. It features what I assume is the company owner’s second wife with bleached blond hair and giant fake cans. I have no idea if any of those things are true. It’s just the backstory I’ve made up to help me get through the commercials.
So, yeah, it’s an awful commercial, but the one I hate the most is for Coors Light. I don’t hate their commercials just because it’s for Coors Light, and the fact that I don’t like to drink Coors Light. Plenty of people like Coors Light. That’s cool. I don’t, so I don’t drink it. We all like different things. That’s fine. I get it.
No, I hate the Coors Light commercials because their main selling point, the thing that they think makes their beer so special that you should buy it above all others is – wait for it – it’s cold.
Yep, their selling point is their beer is cold.
Coors: “Our beer is cold. It also has some alcohol in it.”
Consumers: “Most of the beer I drink is hot or even lukewarm, so this is great. Thanks, Coors!”
Umm, that’s not a selling point for your beer. That’s a selling point for a nice refrigerator or ice chest: We keep your beer cold. All beer is cold if you refrigerate it. How stupid do you think we are Coors?
Don’t answer that, Coors.
Apparently, Coors thinks we are so stupid that we need a label on the actual beer bottle to tell us if our beer is cold.
Actually, this is good call, Coors. I used to have to use my sense of touch to tell me if my beer was cold. I don’t want to use my senses like a goddamn animal! I’m an American! Now, thanks to Coors, I can just read the label. Of course, now I have to learn to read. UGH! Life is so hard. Can’t a beer company invent a beer bottle with a voice-activated component that just tells me if the beer is cold? You know, like a Siri but for beer! Get on it, beer companies.