The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Want to make me disappear from your party? Invite a magician

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Yeah, so, magicians are creepy.

OK, fine. Maybe not all magicians, but most magicians are creepy. I mean, if David wanted to go see David Copperfield or Penn & Teller something I would laugh at him, and then I would go with him because I’m a good sport. Also, because the magician would be up on a stage and far away from me. So, yeah, basically, it has to do with proximity. I don’t want a magician near me. I don’t want to talk to someone who wants to trick me. Pass.

Also, please take note, magicians are not to be confused with wizards. Wizards are cool.

Maybe 14 or 15 years ago, I was single. I was single for a long time, and one of the few remaining singles in my group of friends. I went to a party at a friend’s house, and there was another single man at the party. Everyone kept saying, “Sonia, have you met Barry yet? He’s single.” This was clearly a set up. Awkward. Eventually, Barry made his way over to me and he said, “Pick a card,” and he had a deck of cards.

Seriously.

I couldn’t leave that party fast enough. The next day I told my friends they were assholes, who clearly didn’t know me at all, or they would have never tried to set me up with a magician. A magician!

OK, so, on Saturday The Kid’s preschool had a little party. There was a bouncy house and food. We showed up, and The Kid immediately clings to David. Parties are not his thing. I think he was a little overwhelmed, and also afraid that we were dropping him off at preschool on a Saturday.

We made our way through the party, and The Kid made a straight shot to the popcorn machine like it was an open bar at a wedding. He truly is his mother’s son. I am a popcorn fiend. Also, I like open bars.

We got our bags of popcorn and found a comfortable spot to stuff our faces, kinda off to the side of the party. We chatted with a few parents. It was a little awkward. Their kids are jumping in the bouncy house, and our kid just wants to sit on the steps, eat popcorn and give people dirty looks. We’re different.

Playhouse and popcorn!

Playhouse and popcorn!

So, we were sitting on a bench attached to a little playhouse off to the side of the party, when an older gentleman walked up and asked David to help him set up a big suitcase, which David did. “Are you a musician?” David asked. “No, I’m a magician.”

NO. ONE. TOLD. ME. THERE. WAS. GOING. TO. BE. A. MAGICIAN.

At that point, the party was pretty much over for me. No amount of delicious popcorn was worth it … but I felt we should stay for Calvin. Maybe he would like it.

Ugh. Sometimes parenting sucks.

The magician left our secluded area and spoke with the preschool administrator, and then she came over to us, asking us to leave this area so the magician could set up. He didn’t want us to see him setting up his tricks. Oh brother.

We went to another secluded area until showtime. David and Calvin took a seat at the far end of the “stage” and I stayed on the other side, closest to the exit. Also, there were pillars I could hide behind.

The magician started his “act,” and the kids were into it. Calvin could care less. He was wandering back and forth and chatting with David. After a few minutes, David motioned for me to join them. I shook my head. He motioned again. Ugh. I ran across in front of the “stage.” This got the magician’s attention. “Excuse me, miss. How many times should I tap the box?”

Nightmare.

He asked me again.

“Four,” I replied quickly and gave David the crazy eyes.

“And what’s your name?

I don’t want to engage with him at all. There are 50 kids here, all begging to feel special and be called on by the magician. Leave me out of it.

“Sonia,” I sighed.

“Well, Sonia, let’s tap the box four times.”

He asked me something else but I don’t remember what, I just shook my head like, “Stop talking to me.”

After a few more minutes, Calvin was clearly not interested. He was running back and forth, and he wanted to sit on the little bench attached to the playhouse which is off to the side of the stage, and a little behind the magician. Calvin proudly took his seat on the bench and the magician told us to return him to his seat in the audience.

Seriously, weirdo. He’s 2.5 years old with a speech delay. He’s not going to give away your “secrets.” Also, if you are looking for an attentive audience, might I suggest not performing for toddlers? They are not exactly known for their sitting still and paying attention skills. Also, stop being a magician. Magicians are creepy.

Now you see us, and now you don’t! Right after that, we scooped up Calvin and left the party. As we were walking to the car, David said, “Ha ha! The magician talked to you. This is going to be a blog post.”

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

One thought on “Want to make me disappear from your party? Invite a magician

  1. Pingback: Three | The Sonia Show

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