The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Questions You Wish You Could Ask Your Friends With Kids: Answered

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Yeah, so, this Buzzfeed video titled “Questions You Wish You Could Ask Your Friends With Kids” has been making the rounds on Facebook.

I know, right? It’s pretty stupid video. Sure, it’s a funny idea. Too bad the video isn’t funny. I don’t know what I was expecting when I watched it. I mean, it’s a Buzzfeed video. It’s not going to be thoughtful questions about parenting. It’s going to be “LOL you had kids. Also, poop.” Still, I thought it would fun to answer these burning questions for Buzzfeed.

Is the fun part of your life just over now?

I laugh so much every day. I think my life is pretty fun.

So you just don’t ever sleep?

I sleep, but I don’t get as much as I used to. I miss sleeping in. Sleeping in is cool.

You know you can’t return one of these, right?

Actually, in California there’s a Safely Surrendered Baby Law, and I could have left him at any designated hospital or fire station. But I would never want to return him. I like him.

If your kid was ugly, do you think you could admit it?

Thanks to Instagram filters and Photoshop, I would never have to admit it. I mean, look at him. He’s pretty cute.

My son, Calvin, also referred to as The Boy, The Kid and the Spawn

Naturally cute #nofilter

Why are you having a birthday for this thing? It has no idea where it is.

Everyone knows that birthday parties are really for the parents until the kid turns 3.

If Emily was an accident, you’d tell me right?

I have no idea who Emily is, but if my son was an accident I would have probably written a blog post about it. I don’t keep secrets from you, my tens of readers.

So this thing will masturbate into a sock or whatever thing little boys masturbate into and you’re just going to have to clean like it didn’t happen. But it did happen.

OK, well, that’s not really a question. Also, this is a question you wish you could ask your friends with kids? Really? If so, I have some questions for you. Let’s start with an easy one. Why are you thinking about my toddler masturbating into a sock?

What if he turns into a total asshole? He could be a complete douche already. It’s not your fault. He’s just one of those people that’s a douche.

That’s a great question. Let’s ask your parents how they handle it.

Do you realize that your life is over or how that not sunk in yet?

My life isn’t over. It’s just different than your life, and that’s OK. We don’t all need to have the exact same lives to be friends.

What if he grows up and joins a fraternity?

He might. Being a jock, or a Republican or joining a frat is my son’s best options for rebelling against his open-minded liberal parents. If he does join a fraternity, I will still love him because I’m not a monster.

So in 10 years when that thing is 12 and he asks you for money, you just have to give it to him?

Umm, no. My parents never just handed me money. Did your parents do that? That sounds awesome. Lucky!

You’re just feeding money into this thing. It’s like a slot machine that’s never going to pay off.

Once again, that’s not a question.

So, if you want to buy something new you just don’t?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I laughed so hard at that question that I did a spit take all over my ModCloth dress, which is probably the 12th dress I’ve bought this year that I don’t need. Also, the spit take – it was a really expensive bourbon barrel-aged beer. Seriously, though. Great question.

How is having one of these better than just keeping your money and spending it by going to bars and restaurants and travel?

I still go to bars and restaurants and travel. Do I do those things as often? No, but I’m OK with that. I used to go to all the restaurants and bars and travel, and now I’m doing this parenting instead. Eventually, I will go back to going to bars and restaurants and traveling. My husband and I created another human being with OUR BODIES, dude. It’s pretty cool. He’s a little piece of David and a little piece of me. It’s really amazing. I love him more than anything. I never knew I could feel this way. Calvin is totally fascinating to me. It’s so cool. But drinking an free-range gluten-free artisanal cocktail in a cool bar in the Mission sounds great, too, but it better locally sourced or fuck that noise.

So you guys can’t have sex while you’re on vacation ever again?

We just went on vacation a few weeks ago and – spoiler alert – we totally did it.

Are you still attracted to your wife after seeing that thing come out of her vagina?

Oh, this is a question for David: “I didn’t see it come out of your vagina, so I think that’s key. Just don’t look. Just don’t look.”

So, Muriel’s vagina, what do you even do with that now?

Hey, who’s Muriel? I assume you do the same stuff you did before. I asked David this question, and he said that if a friend asked him that question he would reply, “The same thing I do to your mother’s vagina.”

Did you poop when you pushed that thing out?

I did! I even wrote about it on my blog, because I’m gross.

You must really love that kid, huh? I don’t see it.

I do love him. He’s good people.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and not do this?

Nope. Not even for a second.

 

 

 

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

41 thoughts on “Questions You Wish You Could Ask Your Friends With Kids: Answered

  1. Ha. Funny stuff.

    “That’s a great question. Let’s ask your parents how they handle it.” lol

    And I wouldn’t consider him becoming a jock a sign of rebellion, particularly if his sport of choice is baseball, because you’d both be totally jealous.

  2. Those Buzzfeed questions were LAME. Why couldn’t they have come up with some REAL questions like: Q: When you say that you can’t come to my art opening/spoken word event/stupid theme party/expensive birthday dinner because you can’t get a sitter, you’re lying, right? A: How dare you! Q: I don’t have to like your kid to be your friend, right? A: Wrong.

  3. Pingback: Questions You Wish You Could Ask Your Friends With Kids: Answered | tatejackson17

  4. i really hope they never have kids!

  5. Please come to my blog, thanks 🙂

  6. LOL!!!
    Great answers to those questions 😉

  7. Reblogged this on Conversations I Wish I Had and commented:
    Wow I laughed reading this

  8. You sound like a great mother and your son is adorable! I think some of the questions they asked are horrible!

  9. Naturally cute. #nofilter

    Ha ha ha! I love it!

  10. Funny how when you become a parent, life changes. And just like you…it made my life so much happier. Kudos to us and our little ones..the little cutie rugrats that they are!

  11. Love. So glad I missed the Buzzfeed and read your blog post instead!

  12. My daughter was born by c-section, wife was out cold and they wouldn’t let me watch. The assumptions (life ends at parenthood, parenthood is expensive) are part of the reason people go about it completely wrong but I guess some people will never mature. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.

  13. Hahaha I enjoyed reading this! 🙂

  14. Congratulations on being freshly pressed. I’m so glad to have discovered your site. You just wait… you think at each stage of their lives that its the best one, but that never ends. My twins are 27 now, and I still feel the same about them!

  15. I thought this was funny! Who every thought, “have you lost your freedom?” with kids totally misses the point. My kids keep me young, the keep me inspired, they give me a good reason to get out of bed in the morning…rather than just making more $$. And yes, your son is adorable!

  16. I can’t even… I just… No. Just no. You realise your life is over right? No, my life just has new and deeper meaning. You can’t travel etc… Yes I can. Not as often but NEWSFLASH kids like the beach and the pool too – mix that into some sight seeing and whoop an educational, cultural FUN holiday. What’s that?! You only get drunk? Aren’t you missing out

    Also your kids cute 🙂

    • I just got back from India with my son. Single mom, and an 8 year old in India. WAS AAAAMAZING! People have no clue right? Lol

      • EXACTLY!! We took our 3yr old to spain last year and made sure we did lots of things entertaining but not the ‘usual’ holiday stuff so that when we go and hes old enough to really understand different cultures he will exoect to be gong for walks and looking at things x

  17. You’re kid is #adorbs AND… Your replies to the questions are great. I love my son, I also love my friends who have no kids, but in all honesty… I know now that I wouldn’t go back to being kid-less if I had a choice. They can make fun of us all they want… But secretly we win. 😘

  18. I thought the tagline said “contains nudity”. I read the article anyway. It is good nerdy humor. To much over sharing with the poop story, so I won’t read that.

  19. Love the post! So witty and fun to read

  20. Really funny! Your post. Not the video. I couldn’t even watch it till the end. I can’t even believe it went viral. That’s just sad.

  21. Thanks for the heads up. I have never wanted to NOT watch an online video so much in my life, as I have a terminal allergy to questions that aren’t … you know, QUESTIONS.

  22. “Just don’t look.”

    With you on that 100% right there. Hell, I had to make it happen and I’m REALLY glad I didn’t have to watch!

  23. Read my stuff important to Know

  24. Ha! I used some of that free time I don’t have anymore to read this (looks like you posted this a million years ago, but I’m not too proud to dig through WordPress). Seriously, though, am not sorry to be on the far side of toddlerhood, but having a school-ager is better than therapy! I find I like her a great deal better than the people who ask why I would ever want kids.

  25. LOL! Having kids was the best thing ever. Although, I sometimes tire of cleaning up poop 🙂

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