Yeah, so, this Buzzfeed video titled “Questions You Wish You Could Ask Your Friends With Kids” has been making the rounds on Facebook.
I know, right? It’s pretty stupid video. Sure, it’s a funny idea. Too bad the video isn’t funny. I don’t know what I was expecting when I watched it. I mean, it’s a Buzzfeed video. It’s not going to be thoughtful questions about parenting. It’s going to be “LOL you had kids. Also, poop.” Still, I thought it would fun to answer these burning questions for Buzzfeed.
Is the fun part of your life just over now?
I laugh so much every day. I think my life is pretty fun.
So you just don’t ever sleep?
I sleep, but I don’t get as much as I used to. I miss sleeping in. Sleeping in is cool.
You know you can’t return one of these, right?
Actually, in California there’s a Safely Surrendered Baby Law, and I could have left him at any designated hospital or fire station. But I would never want to return him. I like him.
If your kid was ugly, do you think you could admit it?
Thanks to Instagram filters and Photoshop, I would never have to admit it. I mean, look at him. He’s pretty cute.
Why are you having a birthday for this thing? It has no idea where it is.
Everyone knows that birthday parties are really for the parents until the kid turns 3.
If Emily was an accident, you’d tell me right?
I have no idea who Emily is, but if my son was an accident I would have probably written a blog post about it. I don’t keep secrets from you, my tens of readers.
So this thing will masturbate into a sock or whatever thing little boys masturbate into and you’re just going to have to clean like it didn’t happen. But it did happen.
OK, well, that’s not really a question. Also, this is a question you wish you could ask your friends with kids? Really? If so, I have some questions for you. Let’s start with an easy one. Why are you thinking about my toddler masturbating into a sock?
What if he turns into a total asshole? He could be a complete douche already. It’s not your fault. He’s just one of those people that’s a douche.
That’s a great question. Let’s ask your parents how they handle it.
Do you realize that your life is over or how that not sunk in yet?
My life isn’t over. It’s just different than your life, and that’s OK. We don’t all need to have the exact same lives to be friends.
What if he grows up and joins a fraternity?
He might. Being a jock, or a Republican or joining a frat is my son’s best options for rebelling against his open-minded liberal parents. If he does join a fraternity, I will still love him because I’m not a monster.
So in 10 years when that thing is 12 and he asks you for money, you just have to give it to him?
Umm, no. My parents never just handed me money. Did your parents do that? That sounds awesome. Lucky!
You’re just feeding money into this thing. It’s like a slot machine that’s never going to pay off.
Once again, that’s not a question.
So, if you want to buy something new you just don’t?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I laughed so hard at that question that I did a spit take all over my ModCloth dress, which is probably the 12th dress I’ve bought this year that I don’t need. Also, the spit take – it was a really expensive bourbon barrel-aged beer. Seriously, though. Great question.
How is having one of these better than just keeping your money and spending it by going to bars and restaurants and travel?
I still go to bars and restaurants and travel. Do I do those things as often? No, but I’m OK with that. I used to go to all the restaurants and bars and travel, and now I’m doing this parenting instead. Eventually, I will go back to going to bars and restaurants and traveling. My husband and I created another human being with OUR BODIES, dude. It’s pretty cool. He’s a little piece of David and a little piece of me. It’s really amazing. I love him more than anything. I never knew I could feel this way. Calvin is totally fascinating to me. It’s so cool. But drinking an free-range gluten-free artisanal cocktail in a cool bar in the Mission sounds great, too, but it better locally sourced or fuck that noise.
So you guys can’t have sex while you’re on vacation ever again?
We just went on vacation a few weeks ago and – spoiler alert – we totally did it.
Are you still attracted to your wife after seeing that thing come out of her vagina?
Oh, this is a question for David: “I didn’t see it come out of your vagina, so I think that’s key. Just don’t look. Just don’t look.”
So, Muriel’s vagina, what do you even do with that now?
Hey, who’s Muriel? I assume you do the same stuff you did before. I asked David this question, and he said that if a friend asked him that question he would reply, “The same thing I do to your mother’s vagina.”
Did you poop when you pushed that thing out?
I did! I even wrote about it on my blog, because I’m gross.
You must really love that kid, huh? I don’t see it.
I do love him. He’s good people.
Do you ever wish you could go back in time and not do this?
Nope. Not even for a second.