The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

It’s not fair and other whiny thoughts


Yeah, so, this morning I woke up feeling angry.

I’m not an angry person. In fact, I’m usually a positive person. I am sad, scared and upset to have breast cancer (again), but I have never been angry … not even the first time around. But today, I’m feeling kinda angry.

feel-something opposite

I’m mad. I’m pissed off. I want to stomp my feet and scream, “It’s not fair!”

It’s not fair. I already did this once. I already sacrificed a boob to cancer. Cancer is a greedy asshole. It wants both my boobs. You suck, cancer. I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again because I really mean it: I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to David. It’s not fair to my boy. It’s not fair to my family and friends. Stupid fuckin’ cancer. It’s not fair!

But then I remember how lucky I am. I caught the cancer early. I have relatively decent medical benefits to pay for my surgeries and treatment. I have the most amazing husband on the planet, and the most supportive family and friends that anyone could ask for. And then I feel like a total cad for being angry.

So yeah, I’m super fun to be around right now.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, but I feel like a chicken. I’m forfeiting my boob again and running as far away from cancer as I can. And I’m so mad at my boob right now that I’m already pretending like it’s not there anymore. I’m breaking up with it before I really break up with it. You guys know what I’m talking about – it’s the breakup move you used all through college.

I don’t deal with anger very well. I’m a very “look on the bright side of life”/”it could be worse”-type of person. So, here’s some bright side:

  • My friends have organized a meal train for us during my recovery. My friends are all way better cooks than me, so this is going to be delicious. David is going to be so spoiled he’s going to wish I had cancer more often.
  • My friends are also organizing a beer train for us. I know, right? Don’t you wish my friends were your friends?
  • I have a really good excuse to not exercise or diet.
  • Since I will have two fake boobs, I won’t really have to wear a bra if I don’t want to, which means wearing backless dresses could be my new thing in 2015.
  • Angelina Jolie got a mastectomy, so mastectomies are so hot right now.
  • I could probably get someone to give me their seat on Bart if I told them I have cancer, right?
  • There’s a lot of movies and TV shows that are not going to watch themselves, you guys.
  • Everyone at work will probably be really nice to me for about a week when I come back after my surgery.
  • I have plenty of time to watch old movies and record podcasts (shameless plug for Old Movies, New Beer).
  • I won’t have to get mammograms anymore. No real boobs, no breast cancer. I can finally start worrying about being diagnosed with other forms of cancer. Wheee!
  • Of course, the best part will be – assuming it hasn’t spread – I won’t have cancer anymore, and I’ll be around a long time for this guy …



Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/podcaster/mother/goober in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, go on adventures with my mighty, mighty good man David and my awesome autistic son, Calvin, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

9 thoughts on “It’s not fair and other whiny thoughts

  1. Sonia, the definition of bravery is being scared and doing it anyway. You don’t have a choice in the matter? But you do. There are all kinds of ways to handle this. You are making a conscience decision to think positively, even though there are times when you won’t. Your son and your husband benefit from this and they are lucky to have you! I personally am amazed at how youre handling this cancer scare, as well as how you handled the last! Cancer does suck and it’s scary! I’m sorry this is on you and your family, but I have nothing but positive thoughts for you and you’re gonna kick cancers ass!

  2. I don’t want to sound patronizing but I think it’s okay to be angry. Probably even normal. And I think it would be damaging if you were act like everything was all rainbows and unicorns all the time. (I’m reading Bright-Sided right now so I’m kind of all righteously indignant about people telling us to DERRRR BEPOSITIVVVVE!) You’re a bad motherfucker and you’re kicking cancer’s ass again so you’re entitled to feel however the fuck you want. ❤

  3. Sonia – I’m late in saying I’m so sorry to hear this (I just read your blog now!) but I’m sending positive and healthy vibes your way! We’re thinking of you here in Lafayette. You know I don’t cook but you know that I love beer, my new Untappd friend, so allow me to be a part of the beer delivery! And, yes, you’re so on trend with another fake knocker. 😉

    It’s good to be angry. I’m angry, too. Eff off cancer!

    XOXO -The DeGroots

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