Yeah, so, this morning I woke up feeling angry.
I’m not an angry person. In fact, I’m usually a positive person. I am sad, scared and upset to have breast cancer (again), but I have never been angry … not even the first time around. But today, I’m feeling kinda angry.
I’m mad. I’m pissed off. I want to stomp my feet and scream, “It’s not fair!”
It’s not fair. I already did this once. I already sacrificed a boob to cancer. Cancer is a greedy asshole. It wants both my boobs. You suck, cancer. I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again because I really mean it: I wish cancer would get cancer and die.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to David. It’s not fair to my boy. It’s not fair to my family and friends. Stupid fuckin’ cancer. It’s not fair!
But then I remember how lucky I am. I caught the cancer early. I have relatively decent medical benefits to pay for my surgeries and treatment. I have the most amazing husband on the planet, and the most supportive family and friends that anyone could ask for. And then I feel like a total cad for being angry.
So yeah, I’m super fun to be around right now.
Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, but I feel like a chicken. I’m forfeiting my boob again and running as far away from cancer as I can. And I’m so mad at my boob right now that I’m already pretending like it’s not there anymore. I’m breaking up with it before I really break up with it. You guys know what I’m talking about – it’s the breakup move you used all through college.
I don’t deal with anger very well. I’m a very “look on the bright side of life”/”it could be worse”-type of person. So, here’s some bright side:
- My friends have organized a meal train for us during my recovery. My friends are all way better cooks than me, so this is going to be delicious. David is going to be so spoiled he’s going to wish I had cancer more often.
- My friends are also organizing a beer train for us. I know, right? Don’t you wish my friends were your friends?
- I have a really good excuse to not exercise or diet.
- Since I will have two fake boobs, I won’t really have to wear a bra if I don’t want to, which means wearing backless dresses could be my new thing in 2015.
- Angelina Jolie got a mastectomy, so mastectomies are so hot right now.
- I could probably get someone to give me their seat on Bart if I told them I have cancer, right?
- There’s a lot of movies and TV shows that are not going to watch themselves, you guys.
- Everyone at work will probably be really nice to me for about a week when I come back after my surgery.
- I have plenty of time to watch old movies and record podcasts (shameless plug for Old Movies, New Beer).
- I won’t have to get mammograms anymore. No real boobs, no breast cancer. I can finally start worrying about being diagnosed with other forms of cancer. Wheee!
- Of course, the best part will be – assuming it hasn’t spread – I won’t have cancer anymore, and I’ll be around a long time for this guy …