Yeah, so, this might be the worst wedding photo ever taken. It’s certainly the worst photo of me ever taken.
Let me set the scene … A three years ago in August, one of my longest friends (we don’t say oldest) Amanda got married. My sister Michelle and I were bridesmaids. It was a Gatsby-themed wedding, so we had flapper-style dresses and headbands. It was so hot that day – like 100 degrees. I was so damn hot. I was sweating through my Spanx. After the lovely ceremony, the photographer herded us together for photos. She took a lot of photos.
“Put your hand there.”
“Sit on his lap.”
“Give him a kiss on the cheek.”
It just went on and on. I was so over it. We were all over it. We were all ready for a cool drink … a cool drink with booze.
“OK, everybody jump in the air.”
So we jumped, and this is what happened.
Everything about this photo is wrong.
First of all, why did the wedding photographer even send this photo to Amanda? This photo should have been deleted. You only send the good ones to the bride and groom – not this grotesque outtake.
Second, Michelle’s dress flew up and her underwear is showing. I’ve modified the photo to protect Michelle’s private parts from the internet. The groom, Brock, looks like he is hanging in mid-air. The bride is making a crazy face. The groomsmen look goofy. And then there’s me …
I don’t even know what to say about me in this photo. For some reason, I opted to not jump and instead decided to try to make it look like I’m jumping. Apparently, this is what I think someone jumping looks like.
It’s not even close. I don’t know why I didn’t just jump. It makes absolutely no sense that I would pose myself to make it look like I was jumping, and then stand like this, which does not look like I’m jumping. I think I’m standing on my tippy-toes so I look taller. WTF? “Sonia is obviously jumping. She looks an inch taller.”
Also, I wonder if Amanda and Brock noticed that I brought two guests to their wedding. I brought my husband David and my double chin.
And what the hell am I doing with my hand? My hand is deformed into some sort of hook hand. Is my hook hand supposed to make it look like I’m jumping? Did I think that’s what people do to their hands when they jump in the air? I have no logical explanation. “Sonia is obviously jumping. She’s an inch taller, and she’s got the hook hand.”
I have been holding on to this photo for three years. I have no idea why I waited so long to write about it. I think I was kinda intimidated by the idea of writing about it – like I wouldn’t do it justice. But the truth is I don’t need to say anything about this photo. It’s an epic wedding photo fail, and the photo is worth more than a thousand words.