Yeah, so, I went to Vegas, and I totally relaxed, you guys. See?
I got a pedicure and a manicure. I lounged by the pool and read. I got a massage. I slept late. I ordered room service for breakfast every morning and listened to podcasts. Our room had a deep, long tub with jets. It was like a jacuzzi except it didn’t smell like chlorine, and I wasn’t forced to make small talk with some creep who’s looking for a little “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” action. I spent so much time in that tub. I entertained the idea of sending for the kid and the pets and moving into the tub. Sometimes I took a bath twice a day.
Every night, I put on a dress and met up with my mighty, mighty good man David for dinner. In the evening in the restaurants and casinos, all the women wore really low-cut tops or super-tight dresses with very-high heels. I did not. One night I wore a sweater dress with a collar and my saddle shoes. David loved the shoes so much that he asked me to wear them with every dress for the rest of week, which I happily did because they are cute and comfortable.
We had some really great food. One night we went to “Top Chef” judge Tom Colicchio’s restaurant, Craftsteak, in MGM. I know what you are thinking, “Umm, what does your lame vegan ass eat in a steakhouse?” First of all, that’s a rude thing to say. Second, they made me a special vegan meal! I told the server I am a vegan, and the chef prepared me a special dish. That’s right. I’m special.
The next night we went to Wynn’s casino and hotel, because we heard that the owner, Steve Wynn, is a vegan and has required that every restaurant in his casino and hotel have a vegan menu. We went to Lakeside, and I was not disappointed. I had the vegan “beef” wellington with asparagus, the Old Bay “crab” cake and a vegan carrot cake. It was the fuckin’ best!
The food was so delicious. I had a big glass of red wine. They were playing music that could have been right out of my iTunes. It was all Billy Ocean, Michael Jackson and Madonna with some Justin Timberlake in there. It was rad. I was so happy in that restaurant.
On our final night in Vegas we went to dinner with our friends Lon and Amanda at Harvest in the Bellagio, because we’re so fancy. While my vegan dish, a farro porridge with foraged wild mushrooms, black truffle, was yummy, everyone else seemed disappointed by their meals. However, there was a photographer taking photos, and we got the most amazing photo. We got a photo, and then we got a photo of us with our photo. That made the entire dinner worth it, if you ask me.
We also saw the Cirque Du Soleil show, “O.” It’s a very entertaining show. I couldn’t help but wonder about the logistics of putting on such a crazy show. Also, what’s it like to perform in this show? Do you make a lot of money? Do you perform two shows a night for six days a week? Also, I wonder if they are all sleeping together? They’re all so flexible. I bet they only want to have sex with people who are as flexible as them.
So anyway, I didn’t really gamble that much. I played a little video poker. I lost about $20, but I got a free drink or two out of it, so that’s fine. The slot machines don’t pay out in coins in anymore. You don’t hear that clang, clang, clang of coins, and people don’t carry around big plastic cups. And, a lot of the slot machines are those video slot machines now, and there were a ton based on TV shows, including “Game Of Thrones,” “The Walking Dead” and “Orange Is The New Black.” All of them seem like strange choices for slot machines. If I started playing “The Walking Dead” slot machine I’d just remember that time that Carol’s daughter turned into a zombie and start crying.
We arrived Monday afternoon, and by Wednesday I was missing Calvin something fierce. I was watching videos of him on my phone. By Friday I was so over Vegas. I was tired of everything smelling like smoke, and I really wanted to see my boy. We had a really wonderful time, though. I think it’s just what I need to recharge a little bit, and it was long overdue.
It doesn’t appear that I missed much while I was away. Our president-elect is still a white supremacist man child. Oh well.