Yeah, so, I don’t really know how to write on this blog without being honest. I guess that’s why I haven’t been writing that much.
This blog has always been therapy for me. I write about what’s true, what’s really happening. I write about my life, problems and all. I write it out and process that shit. Sometimes other people read it, and it helps them, too. That’s my favorite part.
So here’s the truth, divorce is hard. I have a lot of emotions and questions flying around in my head all the time. Who is this person I’m divorcing? The man I fell in love with and married would’ve never cheated on me. Did I ever really know him? I always referred to him as my mighty, mighty good man on this blog. It turned out he was my mighty, mighty typical man, cheating on me with a supposed friend. Did she ever want to be my friend or did she just want my husband even though she was married, too? Am I too trusting? Are all my happy family memories tainted and ruined forever? Will I ever be able to look back without it hurting so much?
And honestly, how do I tell my story without sounding like the woman scorned and a petty bitch? Or maybe that shit doesn’t matter. He lies. I don’t. I write the truth here. I always have.
I’m just so tired of pretending. I’m tired of pretending that I can just rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I’m tired of pretending that we both tried to work on our marriage when the truth is that only I did the work. I’m tired of pretending that what happened didn’t shake me to my core. You can go back into the archives on this blog. I truly believed that we were a true love story. My heart was absolutely shattered when I learned the truth. I was in shock for months. I thought we might try to work it out and go to marriage counseling. But the truth is we were never going to work it out. Even during counseling, he was most likely still seeing her and going through the motions so he could say he’s a good guy who really tried. Unfortunately for me, I was gullible enough to believe that we had something worth saving. It took me a long time to stop feeling stupid.
But, BUT, stay with me here … luckily, I have the best friends in the world. The kind of friends who take me out of town so I can get some perspective, and then proceed to shake the shit out of me and say, “What the fuck are you doing?”
So, how am I now? Pretty good, my friends. Seriously. I’m good. Don’t worry.
I’ve learned so much about myself in this past year. I’m stronger than I ever thought. Plus, I’m a goddamn delight, and I’ll punch anyone who says differently. I’m creating a warm, happy home for me, Calvin, and the dogs. I’ve redecorated the house, and it feels so much more like me with colors, more light, comfy furniture, and soft throw blankets everywhere to snuggle under.
I’m actually kinda proud of myself. I’m handling my business. I’m dealing with everything the very best I can, and I can hold my head up high. There’s no shame in my game. I did everything I could to save my marriage, but it takes two. And now I’m doing everything I can to raise a smart, kind-hearted human while taking care of myself, too.
My friends are always down to hang out, chat on the phone, or text whenever I need it. They’re more than happy to be my plus one at weddings or check out new breweries. They boost me up when I’m down. Oh, and they don’t sleep with my husband, which makes them the very best people. Too soon?
I have a fabulous job surrounded by smart and caring people. Even when the world around me is on fire, my coworkers on the other side of my webcam or in Slack always inspire me, make me laugh, and offer their support. I adore them, and someday we’re going to all be together in person, and I’m going to hug the shit out of all of them.
I’m having so much fun podcasting with Margo. Oh, and What a Creep just got picked up by Spreaker from IHeart Radio. No big deal. We’re going to make a little advertising money, and eventually (fingers crossed) do some live shows. I know, right?! I’m downright giddy.
I really am enjoying my time these days. I’ve been baking. I’ve been reading more. I’ve been journaling, and I’m ready to start writing again – on this blog and some other projects I have simmering in my brain. I watch whatever I want without judgment. If I want to watch “Legally Blonde” for the millionth time or turn on yet another true crime documentary series on Netflix, I do it.
So, yeah, that’s the deal. This is my story. I’m owning it. I’m speaking my truth. I’m not pretending anymore.
February 6, 2022 at 6:30 am
That feeling of “who is this person?” is so very disturbing! After my first marriage ended under similar circumstances, that’s what stuck around for me the longest. I was hurt and pissed off, yes — and you two were together for much longer and went through a lot more shit together, so I’d imagine that’s much more intense! But after the hurt was over (the anger took a bit longer, lol), I still found myself side-eying people who *seemed* nice enough…
After 20 years with Alex, there’s still a “what if?” that flits through my head occasionally.
February 7, 2022 at 11:11 am
The feeling that I didn’t really know this person is so scary to me. I put my absolute trust in him. I’m still trusting him with my most precious possession: my son. I know that eventually, the anger will subside, and the hurt will lessen but right now I’m still in my Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale” flicking a cigarette into a burning car phase.
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