Yeah, so, my podcasting sister from another mister Margo suggested that I keep a few insults at the ready just in case I run into my soon-to-be ex-husband and his mistress.
She suggested “Hey cunts,” and “”When people ask how you met, what lie do you use?”
Those are solid burns.
I came up with “Ewwww I thought garbage day was on Thursday.” Get it. They’re trash.
I’ve been working on a list of hexes you can put on your ex and/or their partner in infidelity. They’re not serious. We don’t want to wish harm to them, riiiight? Right?! These are just hexes that cause inconveniences. They’re minor but annoying, especially if they happen all the time.
- I hope you never can remember your passwords
- May both sides of your pillow always be warm
- I hope you always get a “See cashier” when you’re trying to pay at the pump
- May you always accidentally click on an ad
- I hope every time you use a restroom in a bar there’s no toilet paper
- May you always run out of hot water in the middle of your shower
- I hope all of your nonstick pans are sticky
- I hope every time you try to pick up dog poop there’s a whole in the bag and you touch the poop
- May there always be a little pebble in your shoe and you can never get it out
- I hope every time you warm up a burrito it’s frozen in the middle
- May every cover letter and resume you send out have a typo
- I hope every time you go to kill a spider it jumps on your face
- May you miss the ripeness window of your avocado (Thanks, Hazel)
- I hope every blueberry you eat tastes like dirt
- May your browsing history go public
- I hope every time you do a jigsaw puzzle it turns out there one piece missing
- I hope every time you wash a wine glass it breaks
- May every time you lick an ice cream it falls off the cone on to the ground
- I hope the waitstaff never remembers to bring your side of ranch or refill your coffee
- May you never find the scissors
If y’all have any suggestions, share it in the comments.