The Sonia Show

Writer. Podcaster. Beer drinker. Movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Forgiving myself

2 Comments

Yeah, so, at some point I’ll forgive myself for being so trusting. Not just when it comes to my soon-to-be ex-husband, but also with the woman who pretended to be my friend.

I realize that she’s not the one who stood up in front of all our friends and family and made a vow. I don’t singularly blame her for their affair and destroying two marriages and families. It takes two. But we were supposedly friends. I say “supposedly” because I look back now, and I wonder if it was ever about me. Maybe it was about my husband all along.

When she expressed interest in my interests, I thought she was just trying to find ways to connect with me and create a friendship. She was into wine, but then she started getting into beer because I was into beer. She wanted to go to yoga with me. I started Weight Watchers, and then she started Weight Watchers, even though she didn’t need to lose weight. I bought roller skates, and then she bought roller skates. Sometimes I feel like she Single White Female-d me. And it worked.

I’m a good person, who was nothing but super nice to her. She knew how much I loved my little family. My soon-to-be ex and I were a good team (or so I thought), raising an amazing autistic son and having fun wherever we went.

I’ve survived breast cancer twice. I’ve had a mastectomy, and one time I even confided to her that I was insecure about my fake breasts after those surgeries. That I didn’t think I was attractive anymore. That I was flawed and broken, and no one would ever love me or want me, but my husband did, and I was so lucky. LOL! So naive. Instead of being a good friend to me, she saw it as an opportunity. Our friendship didn’t matter. My family didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. She made her move, and it worked.

I’m sure she’s really proud of herself. The work she put into learning about my family and my ex really paid off for her. And now these two people can be together knowing that they’re with the kind of person who would lie to the people who care about them the most and break up their family for funsies. How cool! Good luck with that.

I’ve definitely thought about trying to forgive and forget, and move on. But fuck that. I think the great poet Taylor Swift said it best …

And I am moving on. And I’m so proud of the person I am. I’m smarter, stronger, and more capable than I thought.

I’ve always been a trusting person. I’m a very open person who is generous with my heart and my time. And I make friends easily, because I’m a curious person who asks a lot of questions, and I’m very good at making people feel comfortable. I like that about myself. I’ve always thought of it as a gift.

But sometimes I do wonder if I’m too trusting. Should I be more guarded when I make new friends? It’s not like I have another husband for a friend to steal so maybe I don’t need to worry about it.

Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/podcaster/mother/goober in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, watch movies, go to baseball games, kick breast cancer's ass, explore with my awesome autistic son, Calvin, say assy things, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

2 thoughts on “Forgiving myself

  1. You’re not too trusting.
    You made friends with someone who had an agenda and that’s their problem.
    I would NEVER think that someone is doing something like that to me.
    That’s a lot of work and effort. It seems stupid.
    I do have friends that think like that but it’s after relationships that have ended badly.
    Sometimes horrifically.
    Much worse than cheating. At least that’s how I see it.
    If you find this changes you? Understandable.
    People can be trash but you did nothing wrong.
    But if you are angry put on your roller skates and learn to check people! I would love to see you in roller derby!!

  2. What? What?? Christ on a bike, Sonia! It just keeps getting worse.

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