Yeah, so, I’ve been thinking so much about this post from writer Clementine Ford.
I don’t think I’m being sneered at, but I do think some people feel sorry for me. I had what I believed was a happy, little family until I didn’t. But, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m happy.
I mean, it sucks that my husband cheated on me and now I get to see my kid 50% of the time. It’s not my favorite thing that’s happened to me. And yeah, the state of the world is a shitshow. AND, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have rights in this country since I’m a woman. AND sure, Covid rates are increasing. AND, in general, it seems like the bad guys are winning and suffering no consequences for their bad behavior.
BUT, other than that, I’m happy.
Calvin is great. Work is good. My dogs are adorable. The house is getting cuter and cozier with every little redecoration. I love just hanging out here in my space. And that’s why I keep thinking about that Clementine Ford post.
When I’m here in the house I can truly relax. The house is a little oasis from the pressures of the outside world. I can just be here, and do what I want without the weight of someone else’s needs or expectations. (Even when Calvin is here, I never have to worry about him because he’s always honest. He knows who he is, and he tells you what he wants.) I don’t have to negotiate to get my needs met. I’m not sitting in my own home with hurt feelings because my partner is constantly resenting me, rejecting me, not communicating with me, and gaslighting me. What a treat!
At first, my newfound free time was something I feared. It was a reminder that my happy, little family was gone, and I was alone now. I looked for things to just fill the time. Puzzles, reading, writing, painting, drawing on my iPad, walking the dogs, and my ever-growing watch list: They were just things to do to keep me from crying and pass the time until Calvin came home.
Now I’m getting protective of that time. When I make plans, I make sure I’m leaving time for myself to do those things. And that’s because I’m enough. My company is enough. Of course, I miss Calvin when he’s not here. But I also look forward to that me time. I used to dread it, but now I need it. I get to recharge, which means I’m more present when I do go out and see other people. They’re getting the full Sonia experience (if that’s good or bad, I’ll leave that up to them to decide).