The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.


1 Comment

Feeling Minnesota

Yeah, so, I had to travel for work a few weeks ago.

I’ve never had to travel for work before, other than some particularly shitty commutes I’ve had in the past. I mean, driving from Concord to Burlingame can certainly feel like traveling for work.

Seven years I’ve been working for this company, and they finally noticed that I’ve never visited their headquarters in Shoreview, Minnesota. Actually, some of the bosses did try to get me to come out twice before, but I was busy evicting a baby from my uterus and kicking breast cancer’s ass, so, ummm, no.

This time last year, I was moved into a new position, a new office with new coworkers and a new boss. And my new boss doesn’t really dig my whole “Oh, I’m just going to hide in my cube” career path. “No more hiding, Sonia,” she says. “You’re going to go to Shoreview and take your bow for your hard work.”

Well, when she puts it like that, how can I say no? Plus, I really like my new team. We’re divided: half in San Francisco, half in Shoreview. I really wanted to meet the Shoreview team in person. I think it’s important that they see what I goober I am in person. You have to see it to believe it.

So, I packed my bags and got up at 4 a.m. for a 6 a.m. flight. That’s right, 4 a.m.! Did you guys know that there is a 4 in the morning? It’s like 4 in the afternoon but in the morning! When the fuck did that start? Ugh. It’s really early.

Shortly, after I arrived in Shoreview, it started snowing. We don’t get snow in the Bay Area, so this was pretty exciting to me. I practically had my face smashed against the window.

Me: “Ohhhh, you guys! LOOK! IT’S SNOWING!”

Co-workers:

It’s April. They were so over it. I thought it was neat, but I could certainly see how the novelty would wear off. Also, driving in snow sucks ass.

So, yeah, it was really awesome to meet my coworkers in person. We had a team dinner at The Lowbrow in Minneapolis, and it was so good. It had vegan options AND an excellent beer list of local brews. It would definitely be my regular spot if I lived out there.

Oh, speaking of vegan options, there wasn’t a ton to be had in Shoreview, Minnesota. BUT, pretty much every restaurant I walked into had gluten-free options. FYI: About 1 percent of Americans have Celiac disease, while 6 percent of Americans say they’re vegan. It’s more likely that a vegan will walk into their restaurant than someone with Celiac disease, but it’s OK. I made it work. I just think it’s funny that they’ve embraced the whole gluten-free thing, but veganism, not so much.

The other thing about the trip that cracked me up: So many of my coworkers said, “Oh, you look just like your photo.” We have photos in our email, Skype, etc. I kept wondering, “Who doesn’t look like their photo?” Maybe I’ll swap my photo out with the worst wedding photo ever taken.

A week before my work trip, I fell and sprained my ankle, but I didn’t know, because I’m practically a genius. I was hobbling around the office, but no one even noticed. I looked like Catherine O’Hara in “Best In Show.”

It probably didn’t help that there was a huge Super Target nearby our hotel, and one night I spent two hours walking around. My ankle really hurt, but SUPER TARGET.

Every night after dinner I went back to my hotel room, put my foot up and watched the second season “The Good Place.” (So good, you guys! You should watch it.) One night I watched a documentary about Jane Goodall called, appropriately, “Jane.”

On the plane, I watched “Pitch Perfect 3” and “Bad Moms Christmas,” which are perfect airplane movies in that they don’t make you laugh or cry and draw attention to yourself. They were not good. “Pitch Perfect 3” actually had explosions, and I think Fat Amy full-on murders some people. I thought this was a movie about an acapella singing group. WTF?

Anyway, I was in Minnesota for five days – FIVE DAYS! That’s the longest I’ve ever been away from my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin.

My mighty, mighty good man David travels for work all the time. I never do. In fact, when I told Calvin that I was going on a trip for work, and I’d be gone, he said, “Not Mommy. Daddy is going to work.”

David said that Calvin asked about me every morning and every night. Of course, when I would FaceTime, he would give me the cold shoulder, but at least the pets were happy to see me.

Actually, when I got home late Friday night, Calvin will still awake, and he insisted I get into bed with him. He really missed me, and I missed him terribly. For about a week after I got back, Calvin was watching me like a hawk, never letting me out of his sight. It was nice to be missed.

Advertisements


1 Comment

This is a sext, right?

Yeah, so, it’s been almost 10 years together, and we’re still sexting.

My mighty, mighty good man David knows what turns me on …

And I know just what he likes …


1 Comment

Make it sprain

Yeah, so, remember when I fell in a restaurant and broke some glasses and spilled food everywhere? Well, it turns out I sprained my ankle.

After I fell, I had some bruises, and my ankle was ankle sore, but I figured that’s because I caught it on the bench. It’s why I fell. I continued walking on it, thinking it would just get better. [Narrator’s voice: It didn’t.] Instead it got worse. I limped around on it for two weeks before I finally decided to go to the doctor.

We did an X-ray, and luckily, it is just a sprain. I was starting to worry that it was a hairline fracture or something. The doctor very politely explained that I’m too old for this shit.

Apparently, it’s not a good idea to walk around on a bum ankle for weeks at a time. Who knew? She also told me to wear a brace for two weeks, and if my ankle isn’t feeling better that I need to come back for a MRI. Oh, and no yoga or treadmill for those two weeks. Also, lose some weight, fatty.

OK, she didn’t say that last thing, but she was probably thinking it.

 


Leave a comment

6 things I’m lovin’ right now: Minkeeblue, Kat Von D lipstick and baseball

Yeah, so, here’s six things I’m loving right now.

1. The Chelsea backpack from Minkeeblue

You guys, I fuckin’ LOVE this bag, because it carries everything I need. I walk to BART for work, and I was carrying my purse, my lunch and my work laptop. I wanted to get a backpack, but all the backpacks were so backpacky. I did some poking around, and I found this awesome bag that carries all my purse stuff (wallet, brush, 500 red lipsticks), my lunch and my computer. Oh, and it’s cute.

Photos yanked from Minkeeblue.com

As you guys know, I don’t get paid for this blog or anything I write about on this blog, so I’m not shilling for Minkeeblue, but, ladies, this bag is rad. And this one in particular is vegan, too! It’s got a steep price tag. I signed up for their emails to get $20 off the regular $172 price tag, but it’s super worth it because I use this bag every day

2. Hazy Little Thing IPA from Sierra Nevada Brewing

I feel like I grew up drinking Sierra Nevada, because I went to Chico State. Sierra Nevada is brewed there, and it’s the most common beer everywhere you go there. I was never a fan of super hoppy beer and IPAs, but I always loved Sierra Nevada.

My mighty, mighty good man David is a big fan of IPAs, and after years of taking a sip of his IPAs, it has finally clicked for me, I like IPAs now, too. One of my recent favorites is by Sierra Nevada, of course. I love unfiltered IPAs, and this is a good one.

3. This toothless grin

My mighty, mighty good boy Calvin has lost a few teeth, but there’s something about losing the two front top teeth that makes me realize how much he is growing up. He’s getting so tall, and he’s talking so much. And now he’s losing his teeth!

*pulls out baby photos and sobs*

4. Kat Von D Studded Kiss Creme Lipstick

My obsession with lipstick is well documented. I’m obsessed with the Kat Von D lipstick right now, because it’s a long-lasting matte lipstick that doesn’t dry my lips out. I have Nahz Fur Atoo (dark red), OG Lolita (dusty rose) and Double Dare (kind of a pinky mauve).

Kat Von D Studded Kiss Lipstick in Double Dare – I think this one is perfect for work.

Oh, AND, all Kat Von D cosmetics are vegan!

 

5. Anew Skinvincible Day Lotion SPF 50

I’m kinda paranoid about getting skin cancer. I guess having cancer twice will do that to you. I’ve been looking for a daytime moisturizer with a high SPF that isn’t thick and gross, and I finally found this one.

I feel like it’s protecting my face, and it doesn’t make my face break out. Plus, when I put makeup on top of it, it doesn’t make my foundation look all caked on. I’m sure that shopping with Avon is super old lady of me, but I like ’em. I like that they give money to breast cancer research, and they don’t test on animals.

6. Baseball is back!


1 Comment

I have zero tickets to the gun show

Yeah, so, on Saturday I really wanted to go to the March For Our Lives in San Francisco. Gun control is something I feel strongly about, and by strongly I mean, “WTF America?! Get your shit together!” I’m always making calls and donating money to Moms Demand Action and the March For Our Lives, but I felt like it was important to get there.

To the people who say, “They’re coming for our guns:” I’m actually fine with that. I’d be fine with taking your guns. BUT, I realize that’s not realistic. We should ban semi-automatic weapons. Guns should be just as regulated as cars. You should have to take training and get a license before you can buy a gun, and universal background checks are a must. Of course, a universal background check won’t reveal if you have violent intentions for your gun, but at least we’re doing something instead of nothing. We’re doing nothing now, and that shit ain’t working.

OK, I’m done. Watch you step. Don’t trip on my soap box.

So anyway, I wanted to go, but large crowds and an autistic 6-year-old don’t mix. Instead, I watched the newsfeed of the Parkland students speeches in DC, and we grabbed some lunch at Rosamunde. I have three things to tell you about that:

  1. Rosamunde has Beyond Sausage now, and they are sooo tasty.
  2. They had Russian River’s Shadow Of A Doubt Imperial Porter on tap.
  3. When I got up to clean up our table, I tripped on a bench leg, fell on my face, and shattered two glasses and spilled leftover food. I looked just like this …

Everyone thought I was drunk off my ass at 2 p.m. I wasn’t! I swear! Even though my mighty, mighty good man David said to everyone, “She’s had a few.” LOL! I tried to clean up my mess and salvage my dignity, but then I remembered Samantha Fuentes’s speech at the march in DC. She threw up in the middle of it, and said, “I just threw up on international television, and it feels great,” and then finished her speech! I’m not allowed to be embarrassed about stupid shit ever again.

After lunch, we joined the march from City Hall to the Ferry Building, but we did it one block down to avoid the crowds and the noise. I think next time there is a big protest like this, I should organize a sensory march that shadows that official march, so people with sensory-processing disorders can march and have their voices heard, too.

There were a ton of great signs in San Francisco, but I think my two favorites are these two that I saw online:


Sign by teacher Madison Kambic.

Credit.


Leave a comment

When did bringing animals into stores become a thing?

Yeah, so, my office husband John and I have a running commentary about people bringing dogs into grocery stores.

Look I love dogs (and cats and animals – you know I do), but unless they are service dogs or comfort dogs, they probably shouldn’t be in the grocery store.

John and I text every weekend about it.

Me: “I saw three dogs at Safeway.”

John: “I saw four dogs at Trader Joe’s.”

We also text about different flavor Oreos we find, but I’ll save that for another blog post.

On Sunday, David, Calvin and I went to Target. David was on the other side of store from me, when he texted: “Where are you? There’s a man walking a cat on a leash here.”

David came running up to me,” You need to get a photo for John.”

I think we might be taking this whole “pets in the store” thing too far, but at the same time, Target does have really good deals – and even cats like a good deal.


1 Comment

A few sad stories and then something funny, I promise

Yeah, so, I’ve got a few things to write about, and I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with the past few weeks have not been my favorite.

My grandmother passed away last week. She was 93. She was really amazing, and the original Church Lady, in my opinion. She was tiny, less than 5 feet tall, and she had 8 kids. 8 KIDS, you guys!

She knew I loved her, and I know she loved me, and she might have even been proud of me, even though I don’t go to church. I did a reading during her service, and I thought about opening with a joke about how Grandma was always trying to get me to go to church, “but this is taking it too far, Grandma.”

I won’t go on and on here because my family asked that we don’t post anything on Facebook, but my blog isn’t Facebook. LOOPHOLES! I will say that I love her, and I will miss her. I wrote her obituary, and if you’re interested it’s riiight here.

Oh, and best buddy Kate moved to Colorado for a job.

I’m so proud of Kate for making a big change in her life. But selfishly, I want her here! She’s an awesome person and an amazing friend. I will never been able to thank her enough for being there for me during some of the craziest times of my life: cancer, pregnancy, cancer again, chemotherapy, anxiety attacks … Of course, she was always around during the best times of my life: meeting my mighty, mighty good man David, the wedding and Calvin. She was my go-to person. My #1 in SF. Now she’s my #1 in The ‘Rado!

Even though she’s in another state, I have no doubt we will still talk all the time. She’s one of those friends that you just know you’re always going to be friends and be in each other’s lives. I’m just bummed that she’s not here to go to Chili’s with me. I am looking forward to hanging out in Colorado, though. They have good beer, and they’ve got Kate!

Orange wig and good buddy Kate at the Giants game during my chemo-cation in 2015.

OH, and our Little Cat Friend passed away. Her bone infection was just too much for her, so some of the neighbors split the cost of having someone come and put her down. It was sad. We have her ashes now, and we’re going to bury her in a sunny spot in our yard where she loved to hang out.

OK, OK, Let’s talk about something fun …

I strongly encourage you – some might even say beg you – to check out some of our latest Dorking Out episodes. We had SO MUCH FUN talking about “The Contender” with Margo from The Best Neighbors Podcast and Book V Movie. This episode is really funny.

Also, I know the Academy Awards were forever ago, but after the show Smith and I recorded an episode, so if you want to hear Drinky Sonia talk about the Oscars, then this episode is for you.

You can listen to Dorking Out here, or you can find us on iTunes, Stitcher and YouTube. If you listen to the show, I’d love to hear what you think. You can comment here, or on our website or Facebook page.


2 Comments

The spin doctors

Yeah, so, I know you guys are aching to know if I went back to yoga, or was I too embarrassed to show my crying face in that class again?

I went back. And back. And back. I was kicking ass, and feeling so good about myself.

And then …

I got vertigo.

I know, right?! I’m so lucky, you guys! I get the best stuff.

Ugh.

I’ve put in my time with illnesses such as breast cancer (twice) and other bullshit. It’s my time to be healthy, dammit! I woke up one morning, and I couldn’t walk because the entire world was spinning. I had to call out to my mighty, mighty good man David, because I was so scared.

I immediately started panicking, so I took an Ativan and went back to bed. I slept until 2 p.m., and when I woke up I felt less spinny. But, I had a heavy head, like I had a head cold, but I didn’t have a head cold.

So, I had David drive me to Kaiser … on his birthday! I mean, what do you get the man who has everything? A wife with vertigo, I guess.

The doctor told me I had vertigo, and he recommended the Epley maneuver to help me. He also did some blood work to make sure I wasn’t dying and prescribed some sort of Dramamine.

So, yeah, I’ve been doing that maneuver, and it’s been helping. I also started acupuncture again. Acupuncture helps with the vertigo, and it is also helping me with the anxiety that having vertigo has given me. Now that I’ve had vertigo experience, I have all this anxiety that I’m going to get vertigo again, which makes me feel spinny and lightheaded. It’s the circle of anxiety and vertigo! Wheeeeeee!

I did give myself an entire day to feel sorry for myself. I was in a great routine with yoga and going to the gym. I was feeling really healthy and happy. This vertigo really threw me off balance, physically and emotionally. I was not happy. I was really grumpy, so I ordered delivery for dinner and drank a big beer.

But, the vertigo is under enough control that I was able to return to yoga this week, which makes me happy. I returned to my crying class on Tuesday, and – as usual – I was completely struggling. But, instead of bawling like last time, I told myself that I can only do what I can do. And, as the great thought leader Daniel Tiger says, “Keep trying, you’ll get better.”


2 Comments

I don’t know how to make small talk with kids

Yeah, so, a few weeks ago I did something I thought I’d never do.

No, I didn’t vote for a Republican.

No, I didn’t donate money to the NRA.

That’s disgusting. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I chaperoned a field trip for my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin’s school. The kindergarten classes were visiting the California Academy of Sciences, and the kindergarteners in Calvin’s special day class were invited to go, too.

Taking on the jellies.

I learned a few things on this field trip.

  • Starfish are not really fish.
  • The Academy of Sciences has penguins!
  • I don’t really know how to talk to kids that are not Calvin.

There were four kids to a group with one or two parents each. The students from the Special Day Class were divided into the groups, and each SDC student had their own dedicated chaperone (their parent or a special aide).

So, Calvin was in a group of three kids from the mainstream kindergarten class, and there was another parent chaperoning the group, too, which is good, because see the third bulletpoint.

Me talking to kids is pretty similar to me talking to adults. I ask them what movies or TV shows they are currently watching, and then I crap all over them. “My Little Pony? Ugh. Really? That shit is so 2015. Grow up!”

Actually, I usually tell them that I like something they’re wearing. “I like your cat ears headband.” “Cool Pokemon shirt. That’s a Pokemon, right? Oh, it’s Minecraft. Is there a difference?” And then I wrap up the stimulating conversation with something like, “I need to go stand over here now and do some serious adulting,” and then go lean against the wall and look at my phone.

I have no problem talking to Calvin. We talk about trains, trucks and buses. We recite lines of dialogue from “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.” But other kids want to talk about their thoughts and feelings.

This became really obvious when we sat down to lunch. Our group is sitting at a table, and there is this awkward silence. No small feat considering it’s a table of 5 and 6 year olds, who normally can’t stop talking. Finally, the other parent, this really nice woman whose name I can’t remember because I’m an asshole, said, “Do you know any jokes?” And the kids started falling all over themselves to tell jokes.

It would have never occurred to me to ask that question. Calvin doesn’t tell jokes. He’s funny. He’s got a great sense of humor. But it’s not a “knock knock. Who’s there” humor. It’s more like, “I’m going to try to wear the dog as a hat” sense of humor. It’s “I’m going to refer to Mommy as Daddy” humor.

I would say the closest thing to a Calvin joke is this: He was in a bathtub, and he looked at me, crossed his eyes and said, “I’ve got two mommies.” I laughed really hard, which turned it into a thing. “Two daddies.” “Two Tobys.”

The other thing I noticed during the field trip: Every boy was wearing something superhero or “Star Wars” related. Shirts, jackets, shoes: All Iron Man, Captain America, Darth Vader, Spiderman, etc. Calvin doesn’t watch any of that stuff. He doesn’t even know who those people are. These kids probably don’t know Calvin is autistic. They probably think he’s Amish.


4 Comments

There’s no crying in yoga

Yeah, so, I made a New Year’s resolution to be healthier in 2018 … just like a majority of human beings (and some animals – probably).

I’ve been eating healthier, and preparing whole food, plant-based meals using the Forks Over Knives meal planner. I even joined the gym down the street from me. It’s walking distance from my house, so I can walk to the gym so I can walk on the treadmill and listen to podcasts. I know what you are thinking: “Why don’t you just walk around your neighborhood, dummy?” Because. That’s why! Also, I feel safer in the gym, where I don’t have to worry about someone mugging me or hitting me with their car.

AND, the gym has yoga classes! I started going back to yoga, which always makes me happy. I’m so out of practice, so I’ve been easing my way back into it.

I started with a restorative yoga class which is very mellow. You know, it’s one of those classes in which the instructor says, “You’re going to need three bolsters, four blankets and two blocks.” And you think, “YAAAAAS!” Then you spend 90 minutes trying not to fall asleep in some crazy yoga pose. I love that class.

I also started another class on Monday nights that is a little more vinyasa flowy – it’s more challenging but not too challenging. I can kinda keep up.

But this is a story about the Saturday morning class …

It’s a class for students with an existing practice, which I have … sort of. I mean, I used to be good at yoga. I’m rusty and out of shape, but I never walk into a new class at think, “Oh, I’ll be able to do all the things.” I’ll just do what I can and hopefully, I’ll get stronger and better.

So, I walked into the class on Saturday, and I spoke with the teacher. I gave her some background. Breast cancer, mastectomy,  chemotherapy and breast reconstruction surgery – all things that make me struggle sometimes in a yoga class. I can’t do any amazing backbends, stuff like that. Maybe someday, but not yet. I told her I’m out of practice, but I really want to get back to it.

“You might find this class challenging, but just do what you can,” she kindly told me.

She was right. About 20 minutes into the class, and I was already struggling. I had to take child’s pose a few times. It felt really hot in the class.

“It’s really hot in here. Oh god! I hope I don’t pass out,” I thought.

And then that was it. I started panicking that I was going to pass out. Then I started beating myself up. I’m so out of shape. I used to be good at yoga, and now I suck at it. I’m embarrassing myself in this class. I was fighting my urge to just roll up my mat and run out of the class.

I worked myself up, so when the nice instructor came by to modify me in a pose I started crying. CRYING! Bawling, really. Tears. The works.

“Oh no! What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I’m so embarrassed. You are right. This class is too challenging for me,” I sobbed. “I used to be good at yoga. And now I’m so terrible at it. Oh god! I’m so embarrassed. I’m so embarrassed.”

The instructor was so kind to me.

“You are the best student in this class,” she told me. “You are working so hard, internally and externally. Yoga isn’t easy. No one is good at yoga. You just do what you can, and that’s all you can do, and I will support you.”

I wiped my tears, and I said, “I’ll keep trying.”

I stayed on my mat and finished the class. It was hard: physically and emotionally. When the class was over, the instructor came to my mat, and instantly I started crying again.

“Thank you for helping me,” I cried. “I’m really embarrassed. I guess I have some work to do on my body and my mind.”

We chatted for a bit about how yoga is exactly what I need. It’s going to help me.

“You’re not the only one who was in child’s pose today,” she told me. “And you’re not the only one who cried during a yoga class. It happens all the time.”

“I know this class was really hard for me, and maybe I’m not at this level, but if it’s OK with you, I’d really like to come back next Saturday and try again,” I said.

“I would be so disappointed if you didn’t,” she replied. “This is the class for you. It’s what you need.” And then she asked if she could hug me.

And even though I barely made it through, and even though I embarrassed myself by crying, I left the class feeling like I’m going to get better. I was proud of myself for not running away. I was proud of myself for just saying how I felt, even though it might sound stupid.

I felt so motivated that after class I went home and bought a new yoga mat, yoga mat tote and yoga pants. Any reason to shop, I guess.

I told my mighty, mighty good man David what happened.

“I think I’m just too hard on myself,” I said.

“Breaking news: Sonia is too hard on herself,” he said. “Way to point out the obvious.”

So, yeah, I’m really mean to myself. What’s up with that? I’m nice to other people, but I’m a real asshole to myself. I guess that’s something I should work on in 2018, too.