Go ahead, put up your holiday decorations

Yeah, so, since our little family has changed this year it’s time to change up our family holiday traditions.

With no other adult around here to answer to, I’ve decided to lean in hard on the holidays.

On September 1, I put out decorative gourds, because it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers. By mid-September, the Halloween decorations were out. By October 1, it looked like a goddamn pumpkin patch in this house. On November 1, I got out the holiday boxes, and this happened on November 2.

This is my first-ever artificial Christmas tree. I’d love a real tree. They smell so good. But the truth is, it was just going to be too much hassle. I didn’t want to deal with getting it home and dragging it up the stairs, blah blah blah. I might go back to a real tree, but this little artificial tree is great for now. I bought some Christmas tree-scented candles. I’m enjoying the setup so far, and Calvin loves it.

I put up my holiday lights around the house, and I started watching Netflix and Hallmark holiday movies with recommendations from my experts, Margo and Christine.

It’s been fun to go all in. But it’s been a little sad, too. I had to sort through all the ornaments and take my ex’s decorations out. During the holidays last year, the shit hit the fan, and I’m very aware that going all-in on the holidays might be my way of coping this year. I’m dealing with that and being kind to myself and Calvin. He’s already asked some awkward questions that I don’t have good answers for. I’m trying to be honest when appropriate and listen. And I always let him know that his parents love him very much.

So, yeah, I know that people have a lot of thoughts and feelings about when is the best time to start decorating for the holidays. “It’s not even Thanksgiving, and you’ve got Christmas decorations out …” I get it. You do you, boo. I lump the holidays in together. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are “the holidays” to me. All of these decorations are for all three. Do whatever makes you happy, my friend. 

Emotional baggage is heavy, y’all

Yeah, so, I know it’s been a while. I haven’t been writing much here. But I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is. I’ve always written on this blog in good times and bad times. So, what’s different about this bad time? Maybe it’s because it’s not just my story. It’s our story. And maybe it’s because I haven’t really been dealing with it. Writing about it makes the unreal real.

But it’s time.

The truth is I’ve been in shock. I’ve been in shock since the day after Christmas when he told me. One minute I was in a happy marriage, and the next minute I wasn’t. We were a happy family, and then we weren’t. I walked around in a daze for months. I was completely shell-shocked, blindsided. Everyone was asking me questions, and I had no answers. I still don’t have answers, to be honest. I had no idea he was unhappy with me and our marriage. He never told me.

I’m being completely honest with y’all. This isn’t a case of “Well, he probably told her all the time but she wasn’t listening” or “She was in denial.” I was listening. I wasn’t in denial. A few weeks before he told me, I told him about a nightmare I had, in which something happened and our marriage was over. He laughed and said that would never happen. But the truth is, it had already happened. It’s almost like my subconscious knew something was going on. What I’m saying is I’m obviously a psychic. Check out my new show “San Franpsychic,” coming to TLC this December.

It’s been almost a year. It’s a lot to process, and I don’t think I’m anywhere near finished processing it. Maybe I should be farther along in the healing process. But I think people deal with shit on their own timeline. I know I’ve been doing the very best I can in this situation. And most of the time I’m thinking to myself, “Bitch, you’re doing a good job.”

I’m in therapy, and I had this big revelation. I don’t really let myself feel angry or sad. Whenever those feelings come up, I quickly brush them aside, and I think that’s dealing with it when it’s really the opposite. Why don’t I let myself feel angry or sad? Because feeling angry or sad makes me feel ungrateful – ungrateful for all the good things I have. So, on top of feeling sad and/or angry, I also feel ungrateful. The truth is these aren’t exclusive. I don’t know why my mind thinks this is an either/or situation. I can be angry AND sad AND grateful.

And because of this, I’ve been walking around in a heightened state of anxiety for months. My cup is so full. Everything makes it overflow. I’ve had multiple panic attacks – really bad ones where my hands, feet, and face go numb. The kind that increases my daily anxiety level because now, on top of everything else, I’m worried that I’m going to have another panic attack when I’m out by myself and no one will help me. My therapist advised me to feel my emotions – empty my cup. And finally, one morning on a Calvin-less weekend, I just let it go.

I don’t know if I can explain how difficult this was for me. My mind and my body didn’t want it to happen. My mind quickly tried to distract me, and my body forced me to get up and walk around. It was physically hard for me to cry – to let myself be sad and angry. It’s like I was afraid that once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. But I did stop, and you know what? I felt better. I feel better.

Throughout all of this, I have held on to the idea that I want to handle this situation in a way that I can look back on and be proud of. But part of that is taking care of myself. I need to deal with my emotions so I’m not carrying around a shitload of emotional baggage with me everywhere I go. That shit is heavy. I’ve already got a ginormous mom purse filled with snacks, water, sunscreen, toy cars, and a Nintendo Switch. I’m not strong enough to carry around a ton of emotional baggage, too.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at these days. That’s how I’m doing. How are you?

The longest bus story

Yeah, so, one of the most requested movies we got for Dorking Out was “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” I have no idea why, but it was requested repeatedly. Margo and I finally watched it and you can listen riiiiight here.

Over a What a Creep, we talked about Marilyn Manson. Seriously, fuck that guy.

On a happier note, here’s a video of Calvin making up a story about a bus. He tells the best stories.

Stitch fix

Yeah, so, my work is doing a secret gift exchange, and look at my gift!

Is it not the cutest fuckin’ thing ever? My coworker Eve nailed it. Seriously, it’s adorable. Everybody drink.

Meanwhile at Dorking Out …

• “The Client” and “A Time To Kill”
• “The Expendables” with Adam Riske from F This Movie
• “Grey Gardens”

And at What a Creep …

• Leona Helmsley
• Frank Sinatra

 

Dorking out about ‘Roll Bounce’

Yeah, so, Margo and I put on our skates and dork out about “Roll Bounce” for this week’s Dorking Out.

My friends, this movie is just a joy to watch with the best soundtrack. If you’ve never seen, do yourself a solid and watch it now. And if you’ve seen it before, watch it again. You won’t be sorry.

Dork out everywhere …

• Dorking Out
• Subscribe on Apple Podcasts
• Google Play
• Spotify
• Libsyn
• Tune In
• Stitcher
• Twitter
• Facebook

Flower power

Yeah, so, I’m sending myself flowers every week. It’s the little things.

What a Creep: Bing Crosby

Yeah, so, Bing Crosby … What a creep!

You can listen here.

The new normal

Yeah, so, how are you? Are you washing your hands? Are you staying home? Good job! Not all heroes wear capes, my friends.

It’s so strange. I feel like I’m busier than ever. Do you feel like that? I’m not commuting. I’m home all the time. I should feel like I have too much time on my hands. Instead, I feel swamped. Maybe that’s a good thing. It keeps me from overthinking and freaking out that we’re living through a global pandemic.

My work has been so great during this crazy time. The team is always finding fun projects and little things to make us feel connected. This week we launched a lunchtime radio hour. I’m hosting on Wednesdays, and the theme is songs from movies (duh).

I look so tired. No filter can fix that.

I’ve never hosted a radio hour before. Obviously, there were a few bumps, but the response was positive. And, more importantly, I had a good time. It’s all about MEEEEEEEEEE!

Speaking about MEEEEEEEEEE, I had to do an All About Me presentation at work. As readers of this blog you already know everything about me. I was pretty nervous about it. I was worried that I was oversharing, or maybe I’m boring. In the end, I decided to tell my story, and while it got pretty personal I’m glad I did it. I really, really love my job, and I want everyone to get to know me because I like getting to know them. Plus, I’m not going anywhere. Hopefully, they consider themselves warned.

So anyway, San Francisco schools are canceled until the fall. My mighty, mighty good boy Calvin has started online classes. It’s a challenge, but he’s getting the hang of it. He has speech twice a week, occupational therapy once a week, and a weekly check-in with his class.

Yes, Calvin has his own Macbook. I bought my work laptop when I left my old job. He’s so fancy.

When all of this first started I was carrying around a lot of guilt about Calvin. I was feeling like I was doing a shitty job. There’s a lot of folks out there that are being super creative about homeschooling their kids, and I tip my hat to them. They had color-coded schedules and shit like that. Some people are really dedicated and smart about it, and some are just, well, participating in something I call the Pinterest-ifcation of parenting. I try not to let that affect me. It’s important to remember that these are super weird times, and we’re all just doing the best we can. If your kid is getting way more screentime than usual, WHO CARES?! We’re dealing with a global fuckin’ pandemic. Do what you have to do to get through this.

Speaking of getting through this, we’re doing Saturday night movie nights with our good buddies Beegs and Sass. We kicked it off with “The Warriors.” We just set up a Zoom so we can see each other, and we start the movie at the same time. It’s a little wonky in that we can hear each other’s movies, and if the timing isn’t right, well, it’s not ideal. Still, it’s super fun, and we get to hang out with Beegs and Sass.

So, that’s how we’re dealing right now. Like everyone, we’re dealing with this new normal, and we’re trying to make the best of it.

And now, I’ll leave you with snuggling, warm, sleepy doggies.

 

 

Dorking Out about ‘The Net’

Yeah, so, on this week’s Dorking Out, Margo and I order a pizza ONLINE and dork out about “The Net,” starring Sandra Bullock.

Super weird times

Yeah, so, weird times, huh?

2019: “I’m the worst year.”
2020: “Hold my beer.”

We’re all being safe here, and we’re all healthy. My mighty, mighty good man David always works from home, and my rad company issued a work from home order a few weeks before this went down. I’m super grateful for my job right now. They’ve been so amazing and supportive. They really look out for their employees. Honestly, I feel lucky.

My coworker Jian Wei made a Zoom date with Calvin to show him his model cars and introduce him to Snapchat filters.

But yeah, everything is weird. I’m worried, but I try to keep my worrying to a minimum. The last thing we need in this house is for me to start having anxiety attacks again. During the day I focus on work, and I really love what I’m working on. That helps. In the evening and on weekends, I’ve been distracting myself with baking, movies, and Animal Crossing. It’s working. Plus, I’m trapped in the house with my two favorite boys, my doggies, and cat. Could be worse.

We’ve been trying to support the local businesses that we love. You can order food for take-out, buy merch, or get gift cards. A lot of businesses are finding creative ways to stay in business. Help them out! Obviously, my list is super SF-centric, but my hope is it will give you ideas for your city.

The Good Hop – You can pop in and grab beer to go.

Ocean Ale House – One of our favorite spots in SF, Ocean Ale House is filling up growlers. They have food, too. They make David’s favorite burger in SF, and I love their market greens. And they usually have a delicious vegan soup, too.

Goat Hill Pizza – My favorite pizza in SF is still delivering, and they have their own delivery drivers.

Laughing Monk Brewery – Laughing Monk has tasty brews, and they’re always giving back to the community and donating to school fundraisers, etc. If you can, order some beer for pickup.

Faction Brewing – This Alameda brewery was turning into a regular weekend stop for us because they’re kid-friendly, have outdoor seating, and serve rad beer. They have bottles and cans for pickup.

Rosamunde – We were having dinner at Rosamunde every Friday before the pandemic. They have a wide selection of tasty sausages (including vegan options – duh). I also super love their baked beans.

Bird & Beckett – Instead of ordering a book on Amazon, I placed a copy of “Salt Water Flour Yeast” from Bird & Beckett, and I walked down the hill to pick it up.

And, of course, help all the animals! My favorites are Farm Sanctuary, Muttville, or SPCA.

Other random things we’re doing:

A weekly produce box – it’s an easy way to get fresh produce without having to go to the store. We use Farm Fresh To You, and occasionally Imperfect Produce.

Zoom happy hours with my favorite people:

I’m still recording with Margo for Dorking Out and What a Creep. We’re having a really great time. For Dorking Out, we talked about “Tombstone” and “Sleeping with the Enemy.” Over at What a Creep, we talked about Jim Jones, the Houston Astros, and creeps in romantic comedies.

I hope y’all are healthy and being safe. Wash your hands. Keep your distance. Stay home.