The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.


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Put a Bird On It

Yeah, so, a few weeks ago I won a free ticket to Rock Prom, which was a fundraising event for Bay Area Girls Rock Camp.

My good buddy Jess was on a fundraising team, and I donated because I like girls and rock. I was entered into a drawing and won, which doesn’t happen to me very often.

Anyway, Jess and her team were called “Pretty In Pink,” and they were all wearing pink dresses, she told me. I know that Jess and her friends are super into gorgeous vintage clothes, but there was no way I was going to have time to find something super rad to wear. In fact, I didn’t even own a pink dress. I went on Amazon and bought a ridiculous pink dress with flamingoes on it, because I’m a ridiculous person.

Jess and I doing our awkward prom pose.

I seriously debated wearing this hat with it.

So, I show up to the event and Jess and her teammates look AMAZING. Seriously. Beautiful, fun vintage dresses and tiaras – the works. Meanwhile, I’m wearing a $20 dress with flamingoes I bought on Amazon.

I texted David, “All of Jess’s friends look amazing and beautiful in their vintage dresses, and I’m wearing a $20 dress with flamingoes on it.”

“That’s why I love you,” he replied.

I’m such a goober.

Of course, it didn’t matter. Jess and her friends are rad people, and I had a great time. If you are interested in Bay Area Girls Rock Camp, you can check it out riiiight here.


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6 Things I’m Loving: Eshakti, Baguette Vending Machines And More

Yeah, so, I’m going to try to deal with my anger by sharing six things I’m lovin’ right now.

1. Calvin’s Bedhead

So, we usually keep Calvin’s hair on the short side, but we haven’t had time to get cut in a while. He’s got great hair, and he’s got even greater bed head. See for yourself.

2. What Kind Of Cat Is This?

We have a stray cat friend, and we put food on the porch for her, but we bring the bowl back into the house at night. Well, one night I forgot to bring the food back inside. When I went to get the food, I saw this.

I took some video footage, because my mighty, mighty good man David was out that night, and I wanted him to see it, too. And now Calvin loves watching it. He thinks it’s hilarious that we have a skunk for a neighbor.

3. This Video

There’s a baguette vending machine (seriously – this is a real thing) in our nearby mall, and David had to try it out.

4. These Websites: The Daily Skimm, Small Victories, Swing Left & Wonkette

The Daily Skimm is an easy way to feed my anger first thing in morning. Basically, it summaries all the news you need to know in a short, fun email. I’ve written about it before, but I highly recommend it. You can sign up right here, if you want to try it out.

I also suggest you sign up for Small Victories, which helps me stay positive. When you sign up, you get an email every Friday with – you guessed it – small victories. It’s filled with stories about wins for the good guys. I really needed it today.

I want more small victories, so everyone should be giving money to Swing Left, which donates money to candidates running against those fuckin’ fuckers who voted for the death panels American Health Care Act. This organization just moved into a top 5 spot on my donation list. I also donated directly to Lisa Battista, who is running against that big tool Darrell Issa in California’s District 10. He just barely won in the last election, so he is super vulnerable.

You know what’s weird? I have pretty much stopped reading celebrity gossip and now I read political gossip. Who am I? My main site for this is Wonkette, which covers political stories, but writes it with such a angry, funny voice that it makes it just a little easier to deal with.

5. This Dress

I bought this fox-tastic (see what I did there) dress from Eshakti, and I looooove it. I can’t wait to wear it.

After ModCloth was acquired by Wal-Mart, I was looking for a new place to buy clothes. I love online clothes shopping. It’s my fave. My good buddy Jess recommended Eshakti, and it’s so great. The clothes are super cute and not too expensive. AND, you can customize the clothes. For example, I love this fox dress, but I wanted it a little below the knees, and you can ask for that! You can add sleeves, or make it a tank dress – whatever. It’s so cool!

6. Smith Got An Emmy Nomination

My Dorking Out cohost Chris Smith received another Emmy nomination this week for Instructional/Information Program. Now he will be even more insufferable on the podcast. In all seriousness, I’m super proud of him. He’s super talented and a good friend. Enjoy this moment, Smith. It’s the last time I’ll be nice to you for a while.

Actual footage of me celebrating Smith’s Emmy nomination.


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The Mommy Uniform

Yeah, so, my name is Sonia, and I wear a mommy uniform.

I wouldn’t say I’m any kind of fashionista, but I usually try to wear cute stuff. I have a closet full of dresses that I wear to work or out to dinner and/or drinks.

Here I am in my cube at work showing off the luggage the corporate overlords gave me for five years of service. Think they are trying to tell me something?

Here I am in my cube at work showing off the luggage the corporate overlords gave me for five years of service. Think they are trying to tell me something?

But, if you see me on a Saturday or Sunday during the day, I’m most likely wearing this:

Or this …

This photo was taken around Halloween at the Oakland Zoo. Obviously, I don't usually wear cat ears on the weekends ... unless David asks me to, and that's not appropriate conversation, so mind your business ...

This photo was taken around Halloween at the Oakland Zoo. Obviously, I don’t usually wear cat ears on the weekends … unless David asks me to, and that’s not appropriate conversation, so mind your business …

Black and white striped shirt from Target and my Old Navy jeans: I think this is totally fine thing to wear to the park or the zoo or whatever toddler-suited activity we have planned. I have always been fine with this outfit until a few weeks ago.

Mighty, mighty good man David and I took The Boy to Sunday Streets in San Francisco. [Allow me to explain for the folks that don’t live in SF, Sunday Streets occur once a month, and several blocks in a neighborhood are blocked off to traffic. The blocks are filled with food booths, music, people asking you to sign petitions and activities for kids and what not.]

So, we are walking around the blocked off Embarcadero, and I saw not one, not two, BUT THREE women wearing the exact same thing as me. The EXACT same thing.

“I’m wearing a mommy uniform,” I said to David.

“Well, black and white striped shirts are so hot right now,” he mocked. “I think you look good.”

He’s a nice man.

Look. I get it. I shop at Target. I shop at Target A LOT. When you shop at Target, it’s not like you are getting custom, special clothes. I don’t want to wear a uniform. I don’t want to look like everyone else.

Now, I’m not going to say anything crazy like “I’m not shopping at Target anymore.” That would never happen. Target is two minutes from my office. Also, Target is amazing. Sorry. It’s probably not cool to say that, but it is. I can buy milk , laundry detergent, a living room set and a bathing suit at Target if I wanted to … which I don’t … today.

I will, however, try really hard not to buy anymore clothes from Target. Maybe a few staple items (a cardigan is a cardigan), but maybe I should steer clear of the T-shirts and dresses for a while, just to see how it feels.

 

 


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The quest for new glasses

Yeah, so, as I mentioned yesterday, I got new glasses. This is such a big deal in my life that it warrants not one – but two – blog posts about it. I know. My life is exciting and awesome.

Actually, getting my new glasses was a bit of an ordeal.

On March 6, mighty, mighty good man David and I both went to Kaiser to get our eyes checked. After that appointment, we took our new prescriptions to the Lenscrafters in Daly City, because my insurance covers that. Don’t judge us! Also, my prescription was really different, because I’m old and my vision is getting crappier. I really wanted to get my glasses quickly, and Lenscrafter has the tagline, “Glasses in about an hour,” so I figured I was being smart.

Wrong.

For me the more accurate tagline would be, “Glasses in about an hour … or seven days, depending.” Actually, seven days turned into 12 days, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The sales clerk at Lenscrafter was perfectly nice. He tried to help me pick out new frames, but I kinda shooed him away after he approached me with a pair of wire-framed glasses. “We don’t know each other, but I kinda have a signature look,” I told him, because I’m a dick. The first pair I tried on was the pair I ended up buying, but I tried on a series of glasses anyway, just to make sure I was exploring all my options.

I sat down at the sales clerk’s register with my chosen frames, and he told me that I could have my glasses in seven days. I was kinda annoyed, because – you know – glasses in about an hour, but OK. I can live with that.

A week later, David’s glasses were ready (but the frames had a flaw – more on that later). Mine were not. Now I was being told my glasses would be ready on Saturday. That’s 10 days. The guy on the phone gave me some excuse about how they get their shipments every day, and mine is scheduled for Saturday. I voiced my frustration: “You told me a week. Now you are telling me 10 days?” They didn’t really have an excuse, and I was angry, but I had to just deal with it.

Saturday rolls around, and no one from Lenscrafter called me. Annoyed, I called them myself, only to be told that my lenses had not arrived yet. “They might arrive in the Saturday delivery. Why don’t you call back after 3?” Now I’m pissed. Shouldn’t you call me? Also, have you heard of FedEx? If the cornerstone of your business is speed, maybe you don’t use the regular mail and instead use UPS or FedEx.

So, by 4:30 no one had called me. Surprise. Now I’m really annoyed. I call. No one answers. The recording doesn’t even pick up. I tried calling a few times between 4:30 to 6 p.m. No one ever answered the phone. I debated writing a nasty comment on Lenscrafters’ Facebook page, because I’m a bit of a social media nerd, and that’s what angry customers do at where I work. Instead, I opted to shoot off an angry email to their customer care department. I mentioned that I was going to get prescription sunglasses, but I was going to take my business elsewhere and threatened to cancel my order all together. Most likely, I wouldn’t have canceled the order. I quite liked the frames.

I called again on Sunday morning, and someone answered the phone. What a treat. She informed me that I would most likely get my new glasses on Tuesday. Gee, thanks.

A few hours later, she called me back. It seems they got a letter from corporate. They want to do everything to make me happy. She made some excuse about how their phone lines have been “messed up.” I said something along the lines of “I don’t care about your problems,” and I just want my glasses that I paid for, and I mentioned that my husband’s glasses were screwed up, too. They knocked $50 off my bill and promised to contact me the minute my glasses arrived.

Monday afternoon, the main lab tech in the Daly City location called me to tell me my glasses are in. “I get off at 6. Is it possible for you to come in before then so I can fit your glasses personally?” he asked.

I said yes, and I thanked him for the call. Then, for the rest of the day, I fretted about my trip to Lenscrafters.

I joked that I would walk in, and they would lock the door behind me. “Everyone in that office thinks I’m an asshole,” I complained to my office buddy Paul. I dreaded going in there. I mean, you’d think I’d be used to everyone thinking I’m an asshole. I pretty much go through the same thing at any family function that involves aunts, uncles and cousins.

But here’s the thing: I’m not very tough. I talk tough on the Internet like a lot of losers. I write things on the Internet, so I’m used to being called names. But in person, I don’t have thick skin. In the real world, I’m a softie. I sing along to Adele songs in the car. I get all choked up during that Budweiser commercial about the guy who raises the horse to become a Clydesdale horse, and then he misses the horse and three years later he goes to the Clydesdale parade, and then the horse runs after him and they hug. [sobs]

Turns out, all my fretting was for nothing. They were all nice as could be, which – of course – made me feel bad about my angry email, even though they deserved it, and I shouldn’t feel bad.

I’m sure someone is going to comment, “Why don’t you get contacts?” Don’t do that. I love glasses. They make me feel like I’m wearing a Sonia disguise.

I love my new glasses. I think they are great. I wish it hadn’t been such a pain in the ass to get them. Even though Lenscrafters tried to make it up to me, I will probably still take my business elsewhere. Turns out, my insurance is accepted by some private practitioners, which is probably what I should have done in the first place.

glasses

Woo-hoo! New glasses!

Oh, by the way, when David went to pick up his glasses last week there was a flaw in the frames. They promised him new frames in a few days. A few days has turned into a week. I wouldn’t be surprised if on Wednesday David is told that his glasses will be ready on Saturday.

 


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My weekend involved a party dress and a pig with no pants. And you?

Yeah, so, we’re losers.

Mighty, mighty good man David and I went to my office “holiday” party on Saturday night, and once again, we didn’t win any prizes in the raffle. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? Is it because I don’t believe in him?

My office buddy Jennifer won a big flat-screen TV. She’s good people. She deserves to have a fancy flat-screen TV. I, on the other hand, probably would have traded away my prize for more drink tickets or some magic beans. I can’t be trusted. At least there was a photo booth at the party. Hilarity ensued.

PhotoBooth7PhotoBooth6

Also, I got to wear a very cute dress I bought at ModCloth, which is my current obsession. See?

modclothdress

My favorite things in this photo are the dress and all the Spawn’s toys in the background. Obviously, we are not neat freaks in the Manstracy household.

On Sunday, we packed up the Spawn and met up with good buddies Jess, Jeff and little Henry at Children’s Fairyland in Oakland.

For those who do not know what it is, Children’s Fairyland is a park filled little scenes from fairy tales. You know, Jack & Jill, The Old Lady in the Shoe, Peter Rabbit, etc. So, you can imagine how surprised I was to discover some pornographic images in a park that is supposedly for kids.

naughtypig

No pants! Naughty!

Actually, it’s a pretty damn cute park. We had a good time. The Boy is still a little young for it, but when he is 3, he will go nuts in there. He did love the pirate ship and spent a little time steering and being cute, as is his way.

One of my favorite things in the park is all the hand-painted signs. They are pretty neat. Of course, they are not as awesome as the hand-painted signs that my friend Jess makes and sells in her Etsy Shop. (You guys should check them out. You won’t be sorry.) I seriously debated stealing this one and hanging it in my cube at work.

specialdiet


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I can’t decide: Should I be a racist or douchebag for Halloween?

Yeah, so, it went to the Halloween Spirit store, and boy was it scary. And by “scary” I mean, it’s scary that some people think these costumes are a good idea.

Here are a few of my favorites.

If you want to be a racist for Halloween, then I found the perfect costume for you.

And if you want to wear a Douchebag costume, I found this one:

I also found the popular STD Carrier costume:

Oh, and this exists.

And, if you are looking to dress up as me for Halloween, or if you ever wondered where I bought my glasses, then look for further than the Halloween Spirit store.

image

For more ranting about horrible Halloween costumes, check out last week’s blog post, which includes the worst of the worst at Target.


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Trail mix for dogs is a thing now. Oh good.

Yeah, so, trail mix for dogs is a thing now.

image

Of course, it’s not real trail mix. There’s no M&Ms in it, but still … Really? Someone at Milk Bone Corp. walked into a company brainstorming meeting and said, “You know what dogs need: Trail mix. Dogs have food and treats, but what if the dog just needs a snack?”

I was going to make a joke about Gatorade for dogs, but I had to Google it to make sure it doesn’t actually exist. There’s ice cream for dogs, so it’s not unfathomable that Dogorade exists. There is no official Gatorade for dogs. Get on that, Gatorade. Everyone knows that dogs have tons of disposable income. BUT, you can get flavored water for your pets. These bottles of water comes in such tasty flavors as toilet water, puddle water and hose water. Mmmm. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I kid. I just threw up in my trash can.

I bet a bottle of toilet water would go great with the doggy trail mix, though.

 

 


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Why do all cereal mascots look like crazy drug addicts?

Yeah, so, I ventured into the cereal aisle at the grocery store, because I have a kid now and it’s the law.

I like cereal, too. I would eat cereal for every meal if it wouldn’t make me a huge fatty; however, since cereal would make me a huge fatty, I don’t go to that aisle very often. Every time I go down that aisle, it blows my mind. In fact, I wrote about the state of breakfast cereals before.

So anyway, the Spawn is all about Cheerios these days, so I must go into the cereal aisle to get Cheerios. We’re not letting him eat the sugary stuff, because he’s just a baby. But, to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I want The Boy ever eating that stuff. Have you looked at the boxes? Every cereal mascot looks like an insane crack addict; like this cereal is the good shit. Seriously, look at them.

All of them look like addicts. Tell me that the Apple on Apple Orbits box wouldn’t suck your dick for $3 to buy more of that cereal. And look at that crazy look in Captain Crunch’s eyes. I have no doubt that Captain Crunch has shown up at his mama’s house pulled a Samuel L. Jackson in “Jungle Fever.”

I think we’ll stick with Cheerios in this house just to be safe.


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Geek of the week

Yeah, so, mighty, mighty good man David and I are geeks.

Need proof? I present to you, Exhibit A:

These are the 20-sided fuzzy dice that we bought for our new car.

And now, Exhibit B:

This is the onesie that we got for the Spawn.

Add this evidence to the ever-growing pile of “Star Wars” things that we buy for The Boy and for ourselves and I think I’ve got a good case of geekdom here.

Remember last year when I was nominated for “Sexiest Geek” by SF Weekly? I was a little confused by that nomination, because I’m really more of a dork or a spaz, and no one uses the word “sexy” to describe me. People used to use the word “adorkable” to describe me until Zooey Deschanel ruined that word for everyone.

So yeah, now I get the “Sexiest Geek” nomination. Well, the “geek” part anyway.


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Can’t sleep, frog will eat me

Yeah, so, the Spawn has a little cold, just like everyone else in the world these days. It’s not super bad. He’s just sounds congested. It’s sad and cute.

Since the little guy is congested, mighty, mighty good man David bought a humidifier for his bedroom. Specifically, he bought an “adorable” frog humidifier. Seriously, it says “adorable” on the box, see?

I think this is false advertising. There is nothing adorable about this humidifier. See for yourself. This is the view Calvin gets from his crib.

I imagine that every night Calvin is in his crib saying, “Can’t sleep, frog will eat me. Can’t sleep, frog will eat me.”

I’m worried that this frog is going to scar the boy for life. When he gets older he will have an uncontrollable fear of frogs the way most of us are afraid of clowns.