The Sonia Show

Writer. Podcaster. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.


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I suggest you read my blog in the can

Yeah, so, I had a wonderful, laugh-filled lunch with Corso in Emeryville. When I went to use the restroom I discovered this:

magazines

It’s a magazine rack next to the restrooms. Seems wrong, right?

It’s not a waiting room. It’s a restroom. I think it sends the wrong message. Actually, it sends several wrong messages.

1) Use our restrooms, and take your time. (Not appropriate for a public restroom, in my opinion.)
2) We know you like to read while you take a dump, gentlemen, so here’s some reading material.
3) Our food is probably going to give you diarrhea, so here are some magazines.

None of these are appealing options to me.

Also, at this restaurant, we ordered a glass of sangria. Instead, what we received was a glass of what can only be described as a cinnamon apple-tini. The waitress explained that it was a “seasonal” sangria. It was nasty, but the waitress was cool enough to exchanged our gross drinks for red wine. So, the restaurant remains in my cool book, despite the restroom magazine rack.


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Don’t take medical advice from the chick from ‘Singled Out’

Yeah, so, apparently people take medical advice from Jenny McCarthy. This is a thing now?

Jenny McCarthy believes that vaccinations cause autism in children. Doctors say that’s not true.

Gosh, I don’t know who to believe: the people who actually went to school and are educated about this sort of thing; OR, the lady that co-hosted a dating show on MTV in the 90s?

I just don’t know what to think. I mean, I’ve been vaccinated, and I don’t have autism, and doctors are really smart, but the blond lady who had a small role in “Baseketball” seems like she really knows what she is talking about.

"I've totally cured autism. Eyes up here, you guys!"

“I’ve totally cured autism. Eyes up here, you guys!”

You guys, come on. Don’t take medical advice from Jenny McCarthy. That’s just silly. You are way smarter than this. Jenny McCarthy dated Jim Carrey once, so obviously she makes poor decisions. You’d be better off consulting a Magic 8 Ball before making any medical decisions.

The reason Jenny McCarthy and her ridiculous views are even in the news is because Jenny McCarthy is joining “The View.” Elisabeth Hasselbeck left to be with her people on FOX News, and they needed to replace her with another blond dum-dum who is wrong about stuff. People have started all these petitions to try to get ABC to change their minds. I suspect that won’t work. I’d like to think that if McCarthy brings up her “science” that the other ladies would shoot her down, but – of course – that won’t happen. Someone on that show seriously believes the Earth is flat and another doesn’t think rape is rape rape, so I’m sure Jenny McCarthy will fit right in.

Now, if you will excuse me, I’m thinking about circumcising my son, but I need to find out what Martha Quinn thinks about it first …


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Direct TV makes terrible commercials

Yeah, so, I’ve been watching a lot of baseball, because my beloved San Francisco Giants are in the playoffs. (Go Giants!)

Watching a lot of baseball on TV means I’m watching the same commercials repeatedly. Most of the commercials are for Viagra, crappy beer (Bud Light Lime? Budweiser? Ew.) and Axe body spray. There is also a commercial for Direct TV.

I have grown to hate this commercial.

Mighty, mighty good man David hates this commercial because the man is brushing his teeth with no toothpaste. Valid point. I hate this commercial because, seriously, WTF? Did you watch it?

Wife: “I feel like it’s just watching me walk around naked.”
Husband: “Well, at least somebody gets to.”

What a dick.

Is their marriage in trouble because they are having DVR issues, and that’s why he never gets to see her naked? Dude, if you never get to see your wife naked, then maybe deciding between satellite and cable shouldn’t be your top priority.

Or, was the marriage already in trouble, and they are not really arguing about TV? Maybe it’s a loveless, sham of a marriage, and TV is the only bright spot in their dark, horrible, empty lives

Most likely their marriage is in trouble because that jackass husband is obsessed with the DVR. He should spend less time watching TV and more time talking to his wife, then he might get to see her naked more often.

Oh, and did you notice the shows they are recording? “Diva Dentists?” “Hit the Switches?” Those sound like TLC or E! shows to me. Gross.

 


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This billboard makes me want to drink and drive

Yeah, so, this is the horrible billboard in San Francisco that I’m forced to look at every day on my way home from work when I getting off the Bay Bridge.

Pitbull and Bud Light? Finally! Two sucky things that suck even more together.

I saw a commercial for Bud Light Lime on TV the other day. I believe the ad said, “It’s everything you love about Bud Light but with lime.” Everything I love about Bud Light? What if what I love about Bud Light is that fact that I’m not legally required to drink it?

I know, I know. When did I get so snobby about beer? I don’t know exactly, but I’m sure my trip to Belgium really sealed the deal. Also, I’m a Chico State graduate. We know our beer.

And speaking of beer, I encourage you to follow me on Untappd. What’s Untappd? It’s basically Foursquare for beer. If you follow me I’ll follow you. I promise. I drink pretty cool stuff. I mean, the beer doesn’t have a label to tell me if it’s cold, but I think they are pretty good beers.


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Rejected Yankee Candle Scents

Yeah, so, Yankee Candle has created a line of candles aimed at men. The fact that these candles aimed at men are not called Mandles is a huge fail on Yankee Candles’ part.

You fuckin’ blew it, Yankee Candle.

According to a Yankee Candle press release, these are the scents that “men” like, and no I didn’t edit these:

  • Man Town™ — Escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk.
  • First Down™ — This combination of orange, patchouli, vetiver and leather is as exciting as game day.
  • Riding Mower™ — Hot sun. Cool breeze. And the intensely summery scent of freshly cut grass.
  • 2 x 4™ — The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.

Hey, Yankee Candle, you forgot a few scents:

  • Nachos and beer: Men love to eat nachos and drink beer while they watch sporting events on TV.
  • Video games: It smells like body odor and loneliness.
  • Gas: All men love working on cars. ALL MEN!
  • Barbeque sauce: Guys are all about the grilling, am I right, ladies?
  • Pussy: Dudes love pussy.

By the way, the company’s press release goes on to say that these candles are the perfect Father’s Day gift.

Oh sure.

“Here you go, David. Happy Father’s Day. It’s a candle that smells like wood. You’re welcome. … Where are you going with that suitcase, David?”

There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to start. The idea that men like the smell of fresh grass or wood, because they are the ones doing yard work and – I guess – woodworking. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Yankee Candle has a line of women’s candles that smell like clean laundry, freshly vacuumed living rooms and babies.


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The Taxman can suck it

Yeah, so, we have to pay taxes this year — and not just a little bit of taxes, but a sizable amount.

I thought the Spawn was supposed to be a tax deduction. You mean I’m going through this whole motherhood thing for nothing? Damn it. Oh well, I’m sure we can raise the tax money by selling The Boy on eBay. He’s pretty cute.

I’m really pissed about the amount we have to pay because we’re not rich. We need that money. We had plans for that money. We wanted to spend that money on something like a more fuel-efficient car or a vacation or — oh, I don’t know — groceries. We were going to pump that money back into the economy like good Americans.

I know the government isn’t going to spend our money on anything worthwhile. They are going to piss it away. The government is probably going to take our money, go to Vegas and bet it all on red at the roulette table; or maybe the government will just buy a bunch of Mega-Million lottery tickets.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the government used our money to buy magic beans.

I know that taxes are part of the deal of living in this country. I get it. It’s just a crap feeling when you know that billionaires and huge corporations that make billions of dollars don’t pay anything (yet corporations are people, according to the Supreme Court, right?). Meanwhile, we have to drain our meager savings to pay. It makes me want to stomp my feet and cry, “No fair!”

So anyway, I’m pretending that our tax dollars are going to federally funded abortions. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better.

Oh, and happy Easter. You’re welcome.


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Spoiler alert! The Bachelor is kind of a jerk

Yeah, so, I love free booze.

Good buddy Kate is the big boss at a wine publication, so she scored free tickets to the Chronicle’s wine competition public tasting on Saturday at Fort Mason. Of course she invited me because everyone knows that I like to drink wine … a lot.

I was really excited to get drunk in the afternoon in a socially acceptable way, as opposed to my usual way. Kate was really excited to learn that the dude from “The Bachelor” was there. He owns a winery or something. I don’t know jack about “The Bachelor.” Everything I know about it is from Kate or the awesomely hilarious recaps by 40 Going on 28.

Kate is a big fan of the show. Everyone in her office watches the show. They even have an office betting pool.

“I have the office pool sheet in my purse,” she told me. “I wonder if he would sign it.”

“Of course he would sign it,” I said. “He’s on TV. He wants people to watch his show.”

We made our way to his table. Kate took out the office pool sheet and asked him if he would sign. She was super polite, very sweet, very “we’re all big fans.” I would have said something like, “Hey Bachelor guy, sign this for me. Thanks. What’s it like to whore out your heart on national TV?” Kate is a good person. I’m not.

He signed the office pool sheet for her, but he was kind of a jerk about it. He was all stone face. I don’t think he even spoke to her. No, “Hey, thanks for watching” or anything. Instead he signed it and immediately turned his back to her. I felt like it was rude as hell.

Seriously, dude, you are on “The Bachelor.” “The Bachelor!” You’re not even on a cool reality show like “Top Chef” or “Project Runway;” a reality show that involves a skill and talent. Although, maybe your talent is making out with psychos on national TV? My point is this: You’re not making art here. You are on a reality dating show. You are pretending that you are looking for love on TV in the hopes of promoting your winery and getting famous. Don’t act like you are above it all. You know what you signed up for, and you should be a good sport.

Oh, and I’m not going to buy any of your wine. So there.


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Here’s a money-saving tip for you

Yeah, so, you know how on the cover of every women’s magazine there’s a headline that says something like, “That Actress in That Movie You Like or Reality Show Reject Shares Her Dieting Tips.”

Spoiler alert! The dieting tips are always eating healthy and exercising.

There. I just saved you like $5. You’re welcome.