Go ahead, put up your holiday decorations

Yeah, so, since our little family has changed this year it’s time to change up our family holiday traditions.

With no other adult around here to answer to, I’ve decided to lean in hard on the holidays.

On September 1, I put out decorative gourds, because it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers. By mid-September, the Halloween decorations were out. By October 1, it looked like a goddamn pumpkin patch in this house. On November 1, I got out the holiday boxes, and this happened on November 2.

This is my first-ever artificial Christmas tree. I’d love a real tree. They smell so good. But the truth is, it was just going to be too much hassle. I didn’t want to deal with getting it home and dragging it up the stairs, blah blah blah. I might go back to a real tree, but this little artificial tree is great for now. I bought some Christmas tree-scented candles. I’m enjoying the setup so far, and Calvin loves it.

I put up my holiday lights around the house, and I started watching Netflix and Hallmark holiday movies with recommendations from my experts, Margo and Christine.

It’s been fun to go all in. But it’s been a little sad, too. I had to sort through all the ornaments and take my ex’s decorations out. During the holidays last year, the shit hit the fan, and I’m very aware that going all-in on the holidays might be my way of coping this year. I’m dealing with that and being kind to myself and Calvin. He’s already asked some awkward questions that I don’t have good answers for. I’m trying to be honest when appropriate and listen. And I always let him know that his parents love him very much.

So, yeah, I know that people have a lot of thoughts and feelings about when is the best time to start decorating for the holidays. “It’s not even Thanksgiving, and you’ve got Christmas decorations out …” I get it. You do you, boo. I lump the holidays in together. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are “the holidays” to me. All of these decorations are for all three. Do whatever makes you happy, my friend. 

Emotional baggage is heavy, y’all

Yeah, so, I know it’s been a while. I haven’t been writing much here. But I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is. I’ve always written on this blog in good times and bad times. So, what’s different about this bad time? Maybe it’s because it’s not just my story. It’s our story. And maybe it’s because I haven’t really been dealing with it. Writing about it makes the unreal real.

But it’s time.

The truth is I’ve been in shock. I’ve been in shock since the day after Christmas when he told me. One minute I was in a happy marriage, and the next minute I wasn’t. We were a happy family, and then we weren’t. I walked around in a daze for months. I was completely shell-shocked, blindsided. Everyone was asking me questions, and I had no answers. I still don’t have answers, to be honest. I had no idea he was unhappy with me and our marriage. He never told me.

I’m being completely honest with y’all. This isn’t a case of “Well, he probably told her all the time but she wasn’t listening” or “She was in denial.” I was listening. I wasn’t in denial. A few weeks before he told me, I told him about a nightmare I had, in which something happened and our marriage was over. He laughed and said that would never happen. But the truth is, it had already happened. It’s almost like my subconscious knew something was going on. What I’m saying is I’m obviously a psychic. Check out my new show “San Franpsychic,” coming to TLC this December.

It’s been almost a year. It’s a lot to process, and I don’t think I’m anywhere near finished processing it. Maybe I should be farther along in the healing process. But I think people deal with shit on their own timeline. I know I’ve been doing the very best I can in this situation. And most of the time I’m thinking to myself, “Bitch, you’re doing a good job.”

I’m in therapy, and I had this big revelation. I don’t really let myself feel angry or sad. Whenever those feelings come up, I quickly brush them aside, and I think that’s dealing with it when it’s really the opposite. Why don’t I let myself feel angry or sad? Because feeling angry or sad makes me feel ungrateful – ungrateful for all the good things I have. So, on top of feeling sad and/or angry, I also feel ungrateful. The truth is these aren’t exclusive. I don’t know why my mind thinks this is an either/or situation. I can be angry AND sad AND grateful.

And because of this, I’ve been walking around in a heightened state of anxiety for months. My cup is so full. Everything makes it overflow. I’ve had multiple panic attacks – really bad ones where my hands, feet, and face go numb. The kind that increases my daily anxiety level because now, on top of everything else, I’m worried that I’m going to have another panic attack when I’m out by myself and no one will help me. My therapist advised me to feel my emotions – empty my cup. And finally, one morning on a Calvin-less weekend, I just let it go.

I don’t know if I can explain how difficult this was for me. My mind and my body didn’t want it to happen. My mind quickly tried to distract me, and my body forced me to get up and walk around. It was physically hard for me to cry – to let myself be sad and angry. It’s like I was afraid that once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. But I did stop, and you know what? I felt better. I feel better.

Throughout all of this, I have held on to the idea that I want to handle this situation in a way that I can look back on and be proud of. But part of that is taking care of myself. I need to deal with my emotions so I’m not carrying around a shitload of emotional baggage with me everywhere I go. That shit is heavy. I’ve already got a ginormous mom purse filled with snacks, water, sunscreen, toy cars, and a Nintendo Switch. I’m not strong enough to carry around a ton of emotional baggage, too.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at these days. That’s how I’m doing. How are you?

‘Sliver’ and What a Creep Season 11

Yeah, so, on this week’s Dorking Out, Adam Riske from F This Movie joins us to talk about “Sliver.” This means that Margo and I giggled our asses off. This is a really fun one, my friends.

Over at What a Creep, we kicked off season 11 with a trio of creeps, including Blake Bailey, Josh Duggar, and Scott Rudin.

The longest bus story

Yeah, so, one of the most requested movies we got for Dorking Out was “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” I have no idea why, but it was requested repeatedly. Margo and I finally watched it and you can listen riiiiight here.

Over a What a Creep, we talked about Marilyn Manson. Seriously, fuck that guy.

On a happier note, here’s a video of Calvin making up a story about a bus. He tells the best stories.

What a Creep: Joel Osteen

Yeah, so, Margo and I talk about greedy creep Joel Osteen on this week’s What a Creep. And if you’re looking for something a little festive, because you don’t wan to let go of the holiday spirit yet, we’re talking about creep things about the holidays in a very special episode called, “Merry Creepmas.”

Dorking Out: Flatliners

Yeah, so, it’s a good day to podcast.

Margo and I are joined by Adam Riske from F This Movie on this week’s Dorking Out to talk about 1990’s “Flatliners.”

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Stitch fix

Yeah, so, my work is doing a secret gift exchange, and look at my gift!

Is it not the cutest fuckin’ thing ever? My coworker Eve nailed it. Seriously, it’s adorable. Everybody drink.

Meanwhile at Dorking Out …

• “The Client” and “A Time To Kill”
• “The Expendables” with Adam Riske from F This Movie
• “Grey Gardens”

And at What a Creep …

• Leona Helmsley
• Frank Sinatra

 

Get a ‘Clue’ about Woody Allen

Yeah, so, here’s a rundown of this week’s podcast episodes.

At Dorking Out, Margo and I are talking about 1985’s “Clue,” starring everyone. During this rewatch I developed a new appreciation for Leslie Ann Warren’s Miss Scarlett, but Eileen Brennan’s Mrs. Peacock is still my style icon.

And over at What a Creep, we’re talking about Woody Allen.

We realize that for some this is a He Said/She Said situation, and we are Team She Said. And whether you believe Woody Allen sexually abused his daughter or not (and I think he did), he did have a sexual relationship with a young woman who was his children’s sister, and practically his step-daughter. That’s not up for debate. That’s a fact. That alone makes him a creep in my book.

ANYWAY, What a Creep is finding its audience, and that is really exciting. We have a Patreon page, and if you sign up you can get these adorable (everybody drink) charms and stickers.

 

Dorking out about ‘Roll Bounce’

Yeah, so, Margo and I put on our skates and dork out about “Roll Bounce” for this week’s Dorking Out.

My friends, this movie is just a joy to watch with the best soundtrack. If you’ve never seen, do yourself a solid and watch it now. And if you’ve seen it before, watch it again. You won’t be sorry.

Dork out everywhere …

• Dorking Out
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Flower power

Yeah, so, I’m sending myself flowers every week. It’s the little things.