How to make your married friends think divorce is awesome

Yeah, so, one of the worst things about getting divorced is that many married people feel sorry for you. 

OK, maybe the worst things are seeing your kid 50% of the time and paying child support to someone who cheated on you, but your married friends feeling sorry for you ranks relatively high, too.

To fix that problem, you should convince them that divorce is rad. In fact, you should convince them so thoroughly that they’re kinda jealous that they’re not divorced.

Here are 5 tips for making your married friends think divorce is awesome.

1. Show off all the free time you have now that you’re splitting custody of your kid. You can do that by asking your married friends if they’ve seen the most recent movie that’s playing in theaters or binged the most recent season of the Netflix series everyone is talking about. Talk about a book you just finished, and then casually drop in a conversation that you slept in until 11:30 am on Saturday. 

2. Speaking of sleep, tell your friends that you’re getting the best sleep of your life. You have the entire bed to yourself now. That might sound lonely to some people, but those people are lying to themselves. No snoring that keeps you awake. No one hogging the comforter. Do you want the room to be freezing cold so you can get all snuggly under your blankets? Do it. There’s no one to complain. Do you want to crank up the heat? Go ahead, weirdo. 

3. Make your home as rad as possible. Now that you don’t have his Spider-Man figurines on every shelf, you can redecorate everything to suit your taste. Put out photos of happy memories. Hang up that framed print that always makes you smile when you see it. Buy that funky-colored couch and colorful drapes. Make your home a reflection of your style, and invite your married friends over to marvel at the lack of Marvel statues.  

4. Let them know you’re going to live longer. Tell your married friends the story of the woman who lived to be 117. She credits eating raw eggs and being single most of her life to her longevity. Maybe drop the eating raw eggs part. Seriously. Don’t eat raw eggs. That’s how you get salmonella. People die from that shit. Just mention the divorced part.

5. Give them a little food for thought. Gone of the days when you have to cater to someone else’s culinary cravings. Whether cooking for yourself or ordering delivery, you’re chowing down on whatever your heart desires. Sure, being in love and building a life with someone is great, but have you ever drunkenly ordered a burrito on your Uber ride home, and it arrives at your house at the same time you do? 

When you do these 5 things, you’ll start wondering why you didn’t get divorced sooner. You’re welcome.

Relationship status: Officially untethered

Yeah, so, your girl is officially divorced.

How do I feel? Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so this is how I feel …

I thought I’d feel sad when the final divorce papers arrived, but instead, I felt happy. I feel free. I can walk into 2023 untethered. I mean, as untethered as I can be when I’m still raising a child with someone, and I have to pay them child support. But still, I’m untethered.

I doubt my anger toward him will ever go away. I will always be disappointed in him for cheating, but I’m even more disappointed that he never tried to save our marriage. That’s the part I’ll never forgive or forget. He was never real with me. It wasn’t until he wasn’t here anymore, and after I healed my shattered heart, that I realized how lonely I had been the last few years of our marriage.

Now I’m happy. It’s a beautiful day to be nobody’s baby.

Body of work

Yeah, so, about a month and a half ago, I got Covid.

After living in a pandemic for 2.5 years, Covid finally got me. I had gone to see “Jagged Little Pill” at the Golden Gate Theater, and I was being all fancy, not wearing my mask, and drinking champagne in my seat. Two days later, I had a nasty cold, and three days later, I was positive for Covid.

I was so disappointed in myself when I tested positive because I’d let my guard down. But I had to forgive myself and take serious care of myself. Luckily, Calvin tested negative and stayed with his dad, so I could recover. I ordered soup and juice delivery every day. I had the delivery people leave it on my porch, and then I’d crawl out of my cave like a gross, congested monster and drag it into the house.

Your girl is super vaxxed, so my symptoms weren’t too bad. Very congested, coughing, a little lightheaded, and fatigue; no fever. I lost my sense of taste and smell for two days which was soooo weird. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

I snuggled under a blanket on the couch, watching “Andor” and “The Good Fight,” and waited to feel better. And eventually, I did. When it was finally over, I patted myself on the back and said, “Good job, body.”

Here’s the thing: This body has seen some shit. She survived breast cancer twice. She’s dealt with chemo and childbirth. She weathers panic attacks and anxiety eating. She fractured both (!) her elbows last December, but they healed up quickly. She lasted through a pandemic, and now she’s survived Covid.

My body is the Millenium Falcon. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

I need to be nicer to this body. When dealing with the aftermath of my divorce, I focused a lot of energy on healing my heart and mind. It’s time to pay attention to my body. She deserves it. I want to be strong. More walking, back to yoga in the studio, more healthy eating, and setting aside time for some self-care like acupuncture, massages, and facials.

For me, 2023 is going to be less deplete yo’ self, more treat yo’ self.

Tattoo you

Yeah, so, I did a thing.

Ever since Homer passed away in 2016, I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo. I have an outline of a cat on the outside of my left ankle, and I thought it would be super cute to get an outline of Homer on the inside of that ankle.

I got the cat tattoo when I turned 30, and I planned to get the Homer tattoo when I turned 50. But Covid had other plans. And, in a way, Covid prevented me from making an epic mistake, because the original plan was my then-husband was going to draw the Homer tattoo.

I know, right? I remember jokingly saying, “If I get a tattoo of your drawing on my body that means you can never leave me.” And we’d both laugh, and he said that would never happen.

If that had happened I’d be in this shitty position of deciding to cover up a tattoo that was inspired by good boy Homer because of my cheating ex, or leaving it and having a tattoo drawn by my cheating ex. OR, maybe I’d just have to cut my foot off.

All of those options suck. I’m glad I waited, because I got a tattoo that I think is adorable!

I went to Black & Blue Tattoo in SF, and Androidoh did an awesome job. I’m so happy with it.

I figured since I was getting the Homer tattoo, I wanted to get a second one. Another tattoo that I’ve had in my mind for a while. I wanted to get a C for Calvin. Originally, I was thinking just a simple capital C. But I wanted something that wasn’t just about C, but about me and Calvin. So, the C is a crescent moon, and there are two stars – a green one for Calvin (his favorite color), and an orange star for me.

It’s cute, right? I love it.

There’s been a lot of changes in our lives the past few years. And change can be scary and overwhelming. But I’m so proud of how Calvin has handled everything. It’s so easy to get lost in emotions, but his logical mind and honesty always finds me. I’m so grateful for him. And I love how much closer and stronger our relationship has become through all of this. He is my sun (son, get it?), moon, and my stars.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Yeah, so, this handsome kid just started fifth grade.

Interested modeling agencies, email me at …

I’m so proud of my boy. He’s a good kid with a kind heart.

Party of one

Yeah, so, I go to the movies all the time by myself. I’ve decided to expand that into other things. I’ve been going out by myself and treating myself to fancy dinners. Last month I saw “Hadestown” at the Orpheum.

Since I was a party of one, I was able to get a great seat that was just a few rows back from the stage. I’ve never sat so close before. It was rad.

I didn’t know much about the show going in other than people seemed to like it, and it won some awards. I was a little worried that I would feel lonely. It was the opposite. I had a great time. The show is terrific. I looooove seeing musicals.

I have awesome people in my life who would absolutely see shows with me anytime. But I think I needed to do this. I need to know that I don’t have to wait for anyone to do the things I want to do. Also, I need more reasons to dress up.

These are my stories

Yeah, so, I started a creative nonfiction writing class this summer.

It’s through UCLA, and it’s the first time I’ve taken a writing course that wasn’t a journalism class. I was kinda nervous going into it. School is the basis for all my anxiety dreams. You know the one? You’re back in school. There’s a test for a class you didn’t attend all semester. You can’t remember your locker combination. You didn’t do the reading, and you need the class to graduate.

Obviously, this class isn’t like that. It’s not stressful for me to read and write. The grades don’t really matter. I’m learning how to improve upon what I already do. I have a ton of stories on this blog and in my head. I want to put them together in a book, and this class is a step toward doing that.

I’m excited. I’ve wanted to write this book for as long as I can remember. And I think I have enough to say now to finally do it.

Big thanks for Christine, Chelsea, and Nina for giving me the push to take the class and get started.

Strengthening my decor

Yeah, so, after 11 years of living in this rental house, I finally got permission to paint the big wood-paneled living room.

I’ve wanted to redecorate this room for years, and that desire got stronger what’s his face moved out. I really wanted to make it more my own, something that reflects my taste and personality.

Before – all wood paneling, all the time

Three white walls and a light pink accent wall

It’s pretty fuckin’ cute, right? I really love it. I feel so at home in it, and Calvin loves it. I’d love to get to new carpet, but I don’t think that’s going to be happening any time soon.

I also bought some photos framed, including one of my recent faves – a shot of Toby, Max, and Calvin walking along the beach in Monterey.

One of my favorite recent photos of Toby, Max, and Calvin walking on Monterey beach

My peaclock #punintended

The window behind the TV is always closed, and I never lift the shade. The view from that window is the side of the neighbor’s house. I hung some fake vines with lights over the shade. I clipped some colorful butterflies in it, too. My friend Fred gave me a good idea about changing it up for different holidays – bats and ghosts for Halloween, hearts for Valentine’s Day, etc. I think that would be super fun.

And here’s what it looks like in the evening

The new look makes me really happy.

Up next, I’m going to tackle the room formerly known as the dining room. I got rid of the giant dining room table last year because Calvin and I never eat in there. Now it’s just an open space where I put random shit.

I think I’m going to turn it into a yoga space. I’ve already cleaned it up and organized it. I’ve got some ideas for it. I’ll share it when it’s finished.

The new chapter

Yeah, so, your girl got her divorce paperwork notarized and sent off. Now I’m just waiting for the judge to approve everything, and the divorce will be final.

After notarizing and dropping off my paperwork, I treated myself to these gorgeous roses.

It felt good to get it done. I put it off for a bit because it made me sad. We were so happy for a long time and then, bang, he cheated, and then he told me he was unhappy. He didn’t put in one iota of work to fix our marriage. He just bailed. He treated me like I was just a girlfriend he had to break up with – like we weren’t married with a family. He emotionally ghosted on me.

That’s pretty shitty. I’ll never get answers and that’s beyond my control. But I’ve done therapy and a lot of journaling and processing to realize that it’s his loss. He walked away from a woman who truly, deeply loved him. I would’ve done anything to make him happy. But he never wanted to share with me what would make him happy. It was easier for him to not do the work and move on with my former friend/his mistress.

BUT, here’s the good news, now I can do anything I want to make ME and CALVIN happy.

There’s so much laughter in this house. We just love being together. We make up silly stories. We make popcorn and watch disaster movies. We sit side-by-side on the couch while he plays Minecraft or Roblox, and I read or play Animal Crossing. Calvin has been asking to sleep in my room with me. (He’s been extra clingy since my ex reintroduced the mistress back into Calvin’s life.) So all of us (me, Calvin, and the two dogs) get in my king-size bed and listen to a story on the Calm app.

We’re making plans to travel this year. My amazing friend Margo’s book is coming out in October, so Calvin and I are going to New York for her book party. Calvin really wants to ride the subway to Coney Island and visit the Bronx Zoo. We were just chatting last night about where we want to go this summer. Maybe back to the Madonna Inn, maybe somewhere new. We haven’t decided but it will definitely involve a big swimming pool.

So, yeah, I’m looking forward to closing that old chapter of my life and starting a new one.

Fair game

Yeah, so, it’s county fair season!

It’s been a few years since we went to a county fair. So last weekend, Calvin and I met up with our best buddies Beegs, Sass, and Levi for the San Mateo County Fair.

We got there right when it opened, so it wasn’t hot or crowded. Calvin just wanted to ride the Ferris wheels, so we bought those wristbands for unlimited rides. We spent the day riding the same three Ferris wheels, sipping on overpriced drinks, people-watching, and marveling at all the deep-fried food. Someone try the deep-fried watermelon and report back, please.

I’m looking forward to visiting the Alameda and Marin county fairs this year, too. All the Ferris wheels!

Oh, and there was this …

@thesoniashow

Good thing because I bought one of those unlimited rides wristbands #divorce #divorcing #divorcehumor #over40tiktok #over50tiktok

♬ Monkeys Spinning Monkeys – Kevin MacLeod & Kevin The Monkey