Go ahead, put up your holiday decorations

Yeah, so, since our little family has changed this year it’s time to change up our family holiday traditions.

With no other adult around here to answer to, I’ve decided to lean in hard on the holidays.

On September 1, I put out decorative gourds, because it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers. By mid-September, the Halloween decorations were out. By October 1, it looked like a goddamn pumpkin patch in this house. On November 1, I got out the holiday boxes, and this happened on November 2.

This is my first-ever artificial Christmas tree. I’d love a real tree. They smell so good. But the truth is, it was just going to be too much hassle. I didn’t want to deal with getting it home and dragging it up the stairs, blah blah blah. I might go back to a real tree, but this little artificial tree is great for now. I bought some Christmas tree-scented candles. I’m enjoying the setup so far, and Calvin loves it.

I put up my holiday lights around the house, and I started watching Netflix and Hallmark holiday movies with recommendations from my experts, Margo and Christine.

It’s been fun to go all in. But it’s been a little sad, too. I had to sort through all the ornaments and take my ex’s decorations out. During the holidays last year, the shit hit the fan, and I’m very aware that going all-in on the holidays might be my way of coping this year. I’m dealing with that and being kind to myself and Calvin. He’s already asked some awkward questions that I don’t have good answers for. I’m trying to be honest when appropriate and listen. And I always let him know that his parents love him very much.

So, yeah, I know that people have a lot of thoughts and feelings about when is the best time to start decorating for the holidays. “It’s not even Thanksgiving, and you’ve got Christmas decorations out …” I get it. You do you, boo. I lump the holidays in together. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are “the holidays” to me. All of these decorations are for all three. Do whatever makes you happy, my friend. 

Emotional baggage is heavy, y’all

Yeah, so, I know it’s been a while. I haven’t been writing much here. But I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is. I’ve always written on this blog in good times and bad times. So, what’s different about this bad time? Maybe it’s because it’s not just my story. It’s our story. And maybe it’s because I haven’t really been dealing with it. Writing about it makes the unreal real.

But it’s time.

The truth is I’ve been in shock. I’ve been in shock since the day after Christmas when he told me. One minute I was in a happy marriage, and the next minute I wasn’t. We were a happy family, and then we weren’t. I walked around in a daze for months. I was completely shell-shocked, blindsided. Everyone was asking me questions, and I had no answers. I still don’t have answers, to be honest. I had no idea he was unhappy with me and our marriage. He never told me.

I’m being completely honest with y’all. This isn’t a case of “Well, he probably told her all the time but she wasn’t listening” or “She was in denial.” I was listening. I wasn’t in denial. A few weeks before he told me, I told him about a nightmare I had, in which something happened and our marriage was over. He laughed and said that would never happen. But the truth is, it had already happened. It’s almost like my subconscious knew something was going on. What I’m saying is I’m obviously a psychic. Check out my new show “San Franpsychic,” coming to TLC this December.

It’s been almost a year. It’s a lot to process, and I don’t think I’m anywhere near finished processing it. Maybe I should be farther along in the healing process. But I think people deal with shit on their own timeline. I know I’ve been doing the very best I can in this situation. And most of the time I’m thinking to myself, “Bitch, you’re doing a good job.”

I’m in therapy, and I had this big revelation. I don’t really let myself feel angry or sad. Whenever those feelings come up, I quickly brush them aside, and I think that’s dealing with it when it’s really the opposite. Why don’t I let myself feel angry or sad? Because feeling angry or sad makes me feel ungrateful – ungrateful for all the good things I have. So, on top of feeling sad and/or angry, I also feel ungrateful. The truth is these aren’t exclusive. I don’t know why my mind thinks this is an either/or situation. I can be angry AND sad AND grateful.

And because of this, I’ve been walking around in a heightened state of anxiety for months. My cup is so full. Everything makes it overflow. I’ve had multiple panic attacks – really bad ones where my hands, feet, and face go numb. The kind that increases my daily anxiety level because now, on top of everything else, I’m worried that I’m going to have another panic attack when I’m out by myself and no one will help me. My therapist advised me to feel my emotions – empty my cup. And finally, one morning on a Calvin-less weekend, I just let it go.

I don’t know if I can explain how difficult this was for me. My mind and my body didn’t want it to happen. My mind quickly tried to distract me, and my body forced me to get up and walk around. It was physically hard for me to cry – to let myself be sad and angry. It’s like I was afraid that once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. But I did stop, and you know what? I felt better. I feel better.

Throughout all of this, I have held on to the idea that I want to handle this situation in a way that I can look back on and be proud of. But part of that is taking care of myself. I need to deal with my emotions so I’m not carrying around a shitload of emotional baggage with me everywhere I go. That shit is heavy. I’ve already got a ginormous mom purse filled with snacks, water, sunscreen, toy cars, and a Nintendo Switch. I’m not strong enough to carry around a ton of emotional baggage, too.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at these days. That’s how I’m doing. How are you?

‘Schitt’ happens

Yeah, so, I’m thisclose to finally finishing “Schitt’s Creek.” I’ve got just a few episodes left, and I’m saving them. Saving … maybe stalling. I think I’m stalling.

“Schitt’s Creek” and “Ted Lasso” are so good, because the characters are good people. Both of the shows preach empathy but they’re not heavy handed. I love them the way I love “Parks and Recreation.” They’re all shows about good people that are trying to do the right thing. And they all have a deep bench of hilarious supporting characters. All of these shows renew my faith in humanity.

Anyway, I absolutely adore “Schitt’s Creek.” Shoutout of my best buddy John who has been recommending this show to me for years.

I love all the characters on “Schitt’s Creek,” and I could point to a million scenes that I love. But there are two that I always go back to. One makes me cry in a good way, and the other makes me laugh stupid hard.

I’ve gone back to the scene in which Stevie sings “Maybe This Time” so many times. She’s scared but she’s being brave. She’s been so closed off, but she’s ready to be open. I was Stevie. I was Stevie for years. I was watching everyone grow up and live their lives from the sidelines. Eventually, I opened myself up, grew up and I lived my life, too. It didn’t go the way I planned. (Does anything?) But I’m still living my life. With everything that is going on, I would be really justified in closing down. But I’m not. I’m open (and I don’t mean that in a gross way, weirdos). I’m ready. I’ll never close down again.

There are times when I’m sad and angry and so disappointed. I let myself feel that. The things that happened, they were beyond my control. There’s nothing I could’ve done differently. But I also know that I’m a fun, awesome badass. I don’t know if anyone laughs as much as I do. I make the best of every situation, and I have fun wherever I go. I can’t think of a better way to live my life.

OK, on the flip side, this scene makes me laugh out loud every single time to see it. I will never not laugh when David takes the computer.

The new normal

Yeah, so, after 18 months my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin is back in school.

I feel really lucky to have such an amazing kid. He’s so great about wearing his mask. He already likes his own space, so he doesn’t get close to other people. He’s a champ when it comes to washing his hands. And he’s in a small class. There’s only 11 other kids.

First day of school photos are required by law. I think it’s a federal law.

Am I nervous about him being back in school while the Delta variant runs wild through the country? Ummm, duh. I have well-earned health anxiety so yeah, I’m worried.

But I also know that his teacher and the classroom aides are doing everything they can to be safe, and they’re all vaccinated.

Calvin is so happy to be back to school. He says he’s happy to be riding the school bus again. But I know he’s happy to see his teacher in person.

Between going back to school and 50/50 custody with his dad, Calvin is craving just being home. We went to an A’s vs. Giants game on Saturday. We had a great time. It was crowded but we sat far away from everyone, and we wore our masks when near other folks.

While we were at the game he asked me, “What are we doing tomorrow?”

“We don’t have any plans,” I told him.

“I would like to do nothing tomorrow. I just want to stay home.”

So we did.

He watched videos. I read and did laundry. We walked the dogs. He took a really long bath. It looked so nice that I did the same thing with a massive glass of red wine. I mean, red wine in a wine glass. I didn’t fill the tub with red wine … yet.

The entire day was mellow and delightful. In fact, the entire weekend was great. It was nice to be back at the ballpark with friends. I loved having the downtime the next day.

The truth is I don’t like being a 50/50 parent. It bums me out and, to be honest, it pisses me off. But this is my new normal so I’m handling it the way I handle everything else in my life. I’m making the best of it. I’m doing yoga. I’ve got some paint by numbers. I’ve got some cross-stitching. I’m reading more. I take the dogs to the beach. It turns out my big, brown dog Max is a hot guy magnet. I have the most awesome family and the best friends. During the week, I have work, and I super love my work and coworkers. And, of course, I have my two podcasts (Dorking Out and What a Creep) with the amazing Margo. I love that I have an excuse to talk to her practically every day.

I’m just doing my thing, and it feels pretty good.

Fix you

Yeah, so, sometimes I think of my broken heart like a broken bone. If I practice a little patience and take care of my heart, it will heal, right? 

Then I think of my ankle. 

I sprained it five years ago, and it still hurts from time to time. Maybe my heart will never be the same. I hate thinking that. Of course, logically, I know that my heart doesn’t need to be the same. It can be different. Different is OK. Different can be better. 

I’ve been getting emails and DMs from some of y’all that are going through a similar situation. It sucks. It’s hard. You have to change the way you think, change the way you feel, and change the way you do things.

There’s no one thing that makes it easier. Here’s a few things I’m doing these days to heal my broken heart.

I’m watching “Legally Blonde” … a lot. I’m binging “Schitt’s Creek,” and I’m rewatching “Fleabag.” Oh, and I’m listening to Kesha’s “Woman” on repeat.

At the urging of my therapist, I’m reading “Getting Past Your Breakup” by Susan J. Elliott. It’s been helpful. I certainly recognize some of the feelings and situations she describes. If you’re looking for a breakup book that’s on the lighter side, I recommend “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It’s an easy read to distract you, and it will give you a little boost when you need it. 

I love beach walks with my dogs. The world is opening back up. Wash your hands, put on your mask, and go outside. 

Oh beach, please

I’m back on the mat. My super-awesome job offers afternoon yoga twice a week on Zooooooom. I’m taking advantage. 

I’m sharing with my family and friends so they know how to support me. Your family and friends love you. They want to help you. If you had a family member or friend that was going through a breakup and having a difficult time, wouldn’t you want to know so you could help? Of course you would, because you’re a fuckin’ great person. Tell them what’s up and let them shoulder some of your burden.

I’ve been redecorating the house. I’m renting, so I’m not getting too crazy with the redecorating. But new curtains, new art and photos, and some new pieces of furniture have helped me. The house doesn’t feel like a museum to my failed marriage anymore. It feels like me. It feels new.

I’m journaling. Writing everything out helps. It’s an emotional time. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings. It feels good to just write them out instead of bottling them up and unleashing them at a bad time. And, of course, writing on this blog again helps me. It makes me feel like myself again.

And this is on repeat in my head …

‘Truth or Dare’ and the Hollywood Fixer Creep

Yeah, so, Margo and I dork out about 1991’s “Madonna: Truth or Dare” on this week’s Dorking Out. I watched this documentary so much back in the day. Before Girl Power was a thing, there was Madonna in this movie acting like a boss.

Before it was called “Truth or Dare”, it was called “In Bed with Madonna”

Over at What a Creep, Margo tells the story of Hollywood fixer Eddie Mannix. We love to talk about old timey creeps. It’s a good one.

‘Sliver’ and What a Creep Season 11

Yeah, so, on this week’s Dorking Out, Adam Riske from F This Movie joins us to talk about “Sliver.” This means that Margo and I giggled our asses off. This is a really fun one, my friends.

Over at What a Creep, we kicked off season 11 with a trio of creeps, including Blake Bailey, Josh Duggar, and Scott Rudin.

Separated

Yeah, so, there’s been some big changes. Unfortunately, the change is such a bummer that I didn’t even know how to write about it. Pretty weird considering that I wrote about having breast cancer twice.

After 11 years of marriage, David and I have separated. I’m not going to get into all the details here, because it’s not only my story to tell. 

I want y’all to know that my mighty, mighty good boy Calvin and I are OK. Calvin has been very understanding. He’s such a logical kid. He has two parents who absolutely adore him. That will never change. 

I have the best support system on the planet. I have a family that has my back, and the most badass friends a girl could ask for. I have an awesome job with the coolest coworkers. I feel so loved and supported in every aspect of my life. I’m so lucky. 

So now, I’m just focusing on me and Calvin. I’m trying to turn 2021 into 202FUN. We have some adventures planned this summer. I’m staying in the house in SF, and I’ve been very focused on redecorating, which has been really helpful while I process everything. I’m not being sarcastic. It’s really helpful.

Just FYI: David moved nearby so we can easily split custody of Calvin. Our cat Kubo is living with him, and the pooches, Max and Toby, are staying with me.

It’s an emotional time. It’s been difficult to not write about it here. This blog has always been a kind of therapy for me — it helps me process things. Of course, I’m still writing about everything, but it’s in a real paper journal with a pen, because I’m old fashioned like that.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve been writing on this blog for almost 20 years. 20 years! This blog is almost old enough to drink! Cheers to that. And some of y’all have been reading the entire time. You read my TV and movie reviews. You laughed about my terrible dating life with me. You celebrated when I met David and got married. You supported me during my breast cancer fights. You offered advice when we learned Calvin is autistic. You cheered me on as I moved from a job I hated to a job I love. You listened to me find my voice on my podcasts. 

So what’s next? I’m taking some space and time to process this and work on myself. This kind of baggage can be heavy. I don’t want to carry it around. And I know if I go through it and remove some things I can make it lighter before my next trip – whatever that may be.

I’m so grateful for the love and support y’all have given me over the years. And I’m not going to lie, I could use that love and support in this new chapter.

We’re on a ferris wheel!

No big deal, but I’m on BBC Radio

Yeah, so, I’m so excited to be on BBC Radio 4 for International Funny Women’s Day.

Margo and I chatted with hosts Laura Grimshaw and Julia Raeside about how we want to make the world just a little less creepy with our podcast What a Creep. We’re at the 49-minute mark. It’s such a huge honor to be included with all of these fabulous and funny women.

The longest bus story

Yeah, so, one of the most requested movies we got for Dorking Out was “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” I have no idea why, but it was requested repeatedly. Margo and I finally watched it and you can listen riiiiight here.

Over a What a Creep, we talked about Marilyn Manson. Seriously, fuck that guy.

On a happier note, here’s a video of Calvin making up a story about a bus. He tells the best stories.