The three Ts: Talking, tea, and trauma

August 20, 2023 by The Sonia Show 1 Comment

Yeah, so, it’s been a minute.

How are you? Good? Meh? Relatively decent? Moderately neato? All of the above? I get it.

Let’s just jump into it then, shall we?

I’ve gone to a few parties recently because I’m super popular and everyone loves me. I’m usually asked the same two questions:

1. “You’re divorced now? What’s up with that?”
2. “Are you dating?”

Let’s take these in order …

“You’re divorced now? What’s up with that?”

This question is coming from a good place. These people haven’t seen me in a while. They say something along the lines of how my divorce blew their mind, to which I usually respond, “Same.”

Then they ask some pretty personal questions in an attempt to get the tea. I understand. I also like tea. It’s delicious, and I drink it up. Yum yum yum. And there are situations in which I’m happy to spill the tea. But a large social gathering is usually not the ideal location for a very real, personal topic like this.

Without realizing it, they’re asking me to talk about my trauma and make myself very vulnerable at a social gathering. And what’s bananas is that I often do it! Since I’m such an open person who values authenticity the most, I easily share my heart with people because I want them to see the real me, even at the expense of myself.

I recently got together with some of my oldest friends, people I used to work with at the movie theater in college. It was just a few of us, and I hadn’t seen some of them in like 10 years. Their questions were coming from a good place. We’re very old friends. They’ve known me since I was a teenager. That means some of them have known me for more than 30 years. I mean, I was practically a baby when we met. These people have held my hair back for me while I threw up in a Denny’s or a Carrow’s or Lyon’s. Oh yeah, I used to throw up a lot in late-night dining establishments. I have no problem sharing my trauma with them. Even if I don’t talk to or see them as often as I would like, I know that they care about me. There’s a reason we still get together every once in a while.

Then there are the more casual acquaintances, people I know through other friends, people I know through my ex but have chosen to stay in touch with me rather than him. They still bring up my divorce. I’ve been separated for two years and officially divorced for about 9 months. Again (and I want to make this very clear) without realizing it, they’re asking me to unpack something really painful at a party.

I don’t think people really realize what they’re really asking for. But it’s not their fault. This is really about me. It’s always about me on this blog. That’s the driving force behind the blog. Me! Me me me me! I’m the one that’s uncomfortable with setting boundaries.

I need to come up with a less traumatic way to answer people that still feels honest and true to me. Somewhere between “marriage is hard” and “he cheated on me with a friend of mine” is the perfect answer.

“Are you dating?”

This is how I usually respond …

@thesoniashow

Lol dating #tiktokover40 #tiktokover50 #divorced #divorcetok #singlemom #singlelife #singleparent #rippaulreubens #rippeeweeherman

♬ original sound – Sonia Mansfield

I had a really great chat with one of my oldest friends a few weeks ago. She’s my sister from another mister. She said that some of my videos on social media, like the one above, had her worried. Do I think I’m unlovable? Do I think no one would want to date me? She brought this to my attention because she loves me, and she wants me to know that I’m lovable. I’m dateable. She wants me to be happy.

I was surprised because these videos were coming from a very different place. Basically, dating sounds terrible to me. Not because I’m undateable, but because I have peace right now. I’m protecting my peace.

This peace is such a gift.

When Calvin is with me, he gets a version of me that is way more focused and present. The same goes for my friends. The same goes for my job. I feel like I’m no longer scrambling to find time for myself at the expense of my other relationships. Does this make sense?

Will I date again someday? I don’t know. Maybe.

I don’t wanna brag, but I’m super fun and a lovely supportive partner. I’m a goddamn delight. Some might say I’m an absolute joy. Some dude should be so lucky to have me around. And if I met someone that I like, someone I would want to spend time with, someone who is funny, curious, and kind, then yeah, that would be rad. And if he dances like Dan Aykroyd in “The Blues Brothers” that would be dope.

@thesoniashow

I’ll only be dancing like Elwood from now on. #dorkingoutpod #dorkingoutshow #dorkingoutpodcast #fyp #bluesbrothers #80smovies #tiktokover40 #tiktokover50

♬ original sound – Sonia Mansfield

Am I going to sign up for a dating app and look for that? LOL. No. That sounds like too much work. I’m lazy.

I want to make it clear that this post isn’t about criticizing anyone for asking me questions. I’m lucky that people care enough to ask. But my divorce and dating status don’t define me.

I’ve been through this before. I had breast cancer twice. Obviously, people always asked me about it because it’s fuckin’ cancer. That’s some serious shit. Lucky for me, I survived.

The dissolution of a marriage and family is serious shit, too. Calvin and I survived that, too.

I have a lot of awesome things going on in my life. Calvin just started middle school. *sob* I cohost two super-fun podcasts, Dorking Out and What a Creep. Work is going pretty well. I’ve fully stepped into a content design manager role, and it turns out that I really love being a manager. I’m traveling next month to Ireland. NBD. I’m spending a week doing fun stuff – sightseeing, Guinness tour, and taking the train from Dublin to Galway. All kinds of good stuff. Then I get to spend a week with the entire content design team. It’s the first time we’ve EVER gotten all together. The content design team includes the U.S., Ireland, Poland, Australia, and Singapore, and we’re finally going to be together IRL. I’m going to hug them all awkwardly long and tell them how much I admire them. I want to dive into their juicy creative brains.

So, yeah, I’ll always be writing about what’s going on with me on this blog. Writing about the hard things makes going through it easier for me. And sometimes it helps other people who are going through the same thing. But I’m going to try to write about the other things here, too.

What I’m trying to say is I’m back, y’all!

@thesoniashow

My every day dance party #smartlessontheroad #smartlesspodcast #smartless #anxiety #tiktokover40 #tiktokover50 #anxietysquad #anxietytok #fyp

♬ original sound – Sonia Mansfield