The Sonia Show

Writer. Mocker. Beer drinker. Old movie watcher. Mother. Goober.

Cup o’ urine and other thrilling stories about visiting Kaiser

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Yeah, so, if you’ve been waiting for a post about urine, blood and paperwork then today is your lucky day. You’re welcome.

Every time I go to Kaiser now they want me to pee in a cup.

Every time.

It’s the first thing they ask me to do right after I check in at the reception desk. So, I’ll go to the restroom and fill up the little paper cup that looks like a to-go coffee cup and sit in the waiting room with all the other pregnant ladies and all their cups filled with urine. To the untrained eye, it would look like all these pregnant ladies got coffee from the same place. Nope, it’s all piss.

I was at Kaiser today, and – as usual – they asked me to pee in a cup, and I obliged. When the nurse called my name I walked up and handed her the cup. “Oh, why did you give me so much? I only need a little,” she said.

“Umm, sorry?” I replied as she walked away. Then David and I proceeded to laugh about it for a while.

“Why did you give her so much, Sonia?” David asked.

“I guess I really had to go. I’m pregnant. I always have to go. I didn’t fill it to the rim or anything. Geez.”

Tip #1: Don’t fill up the urine cup. The nurses don’t like that.

After our appointment with the doctor (everything is good to go), we had to go to the lab, because Kaiser always wants my blood, too. Last time I was in the lab, it was complete mayhem. Dogs and cats were living together! Mass hysteria!

This time, there was no one — I repeat, NO ONE — in the lab. I didn’t even have to take a number, but they made me anyway. I walked in. I checked in immediately. They took my blood. I asked the receptionist about it.

“I have been to this lab a million times,” I told her. “I have NEVER seen it empty.”

“You came during the magic hour,” she said. “From 1:30 to about 3, it’s pretty quiet.”

Tip #2: If you are getting lab work done, go between 1:30 and 3.

You’d think after urine and blood, it would be time to go home. Nope. Now Kaiser wanted to test my patience and intelligence with paperwork. I had to go to Member Services to fill out paperwork for all my various forms of maternity leave I’m going to take, including Family Medical Leave Act, State Disability and Paid Family Leave.

The area for Member Services was kinda crazy. There were multiple sign in sheets, and you had to make sure you signed up on the right one. There were people all over, and it was warm and kinda loud. Luckily, there was an empty seat for me.

We were only there for a few minutes before a man called my name. Well, something close to my name anyway.

“Sonio.”

Obviously, he meant Sonia, but I didn’t want to assume. I looked around to make sure a Sonio didn’t jump up out of her chair, saying “I’m Sonio.”

When no one jumped up, I jumped in and corrected him. The nice man gave me a bunch of forms to fill out. I then proceeded to stress out over every little detail. The forms asked for dates. I don’t know all the dates. I have no idea when I’m going to give birth. I left them blank and called the nice man back over.

“I don’t know when I’m going to give birth. How do I fill in these dates?” I asked.

“Don’t you want to take some time off before the baby? Did your work tell you that you can’t have time off before the baby comes?” he asked.

“No, no. It’s just we have a company plan, and it doesn’t do the whole four weeks before the due date thing,” I said.

“But the State has a plan, and you can use it,” he said.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t. It’s just …”

“You are having a baby. That’s a good reason to need some time,” he said.

He was right. Also, David was sitting right next to me, telling me to take some time off. When I come home from work after sitting in my cube all day, it’s a pretty sad sight. My feet are so swollen. My right hand is numb from all the keyboard work. my back hurts. I’m super exhausted. I come home and I sit on the couch, and I look at David with my big, sad eyes. I’m way to tired to do anything to prepare for the spawn’s arrival. So, I filled out my paperwork and when I handed it back in I felt such a huge relief. Assuming the spawn doesn’t decide to come early, everything paperwork wise is done … for now … I think.

By the way, that nice man at Kaiser has a crazy job. The room was kinda nuts. He was dealing with all types of people: different ages, different ethnicity, different problems. There were language barriers. Some people were angry, but he was always patient. Whatever they are paying him, I’m sure it is not enough.

While I was in Member Services, I spotted another pregnant lady. She was completely perfect. She was wearing yoga pants and a sweartshirt and rockin’ a completely round pregnant belly. I was overwhelmed with jealousy looking at her. All the pregnancy weight she put on, it’s in her belly. The nice man called her name as we were leaving. She was also there about maternity leave, but unlike me she had all the forms ready to go.

Tip #3: Fill out the forms in advance. I kinda sucks to hang out in Member Services.

After we left I asked David, “Did you see that other pregnant lady in there?”

“Yes.”

“She was perfect. Perfectly round belly, totally skinny. She didn’t put on weight anywhere other than her belly. That’s what I wanted to be!”

“Every pregnancy is different,” he said.

“Dang! Poor me with my perfectly healthy baby. I just can’t catch a break. GAWD!”

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Author: The Sonia Show

I'm a writer/mocker/goober/mother in San Francisco who likes to drink beer, shop, laugh and make other people laugh, podcast, watch old movies, feed my unhealthy obsession with pop culture, kick breast cancer's ass, wear orange and root for the San Francisco Giants, participate in general jackass-ery, talk about TV, eavesdrop on strangers' conversations, make nerdy “Star Wars” and “Simpsons” references, and post personal things about myself on the web for all to read, which makes me some sort of literary exhibitionist.

3 thoughts on “Cup o’ urine and other thrilling stories about visiting Kaiser

  1. DEFINITELY TAKE THE TIME OFF BEFORE THE BIRTH!!
    Ahem, sorry to shout. Basically, as it was explained to me, you’re eligible for that disability money for the period before the birth– but if you don’t use that time, you just lose it. It’s not like you can take it later after the baby comes. So why the hell not?
    Glad you’ll get a little time. It’s a weird feeling, hanging out at home waiting for the baby to come, but infinitely preferable to hanging out at work waiting for the baby to come.

  2. At first I assumed Kaisers was some kind of fast food chicken joint. Which is wrong on many levels because a) you have to be wary when, every time you go into a fast food chicken joint, you are asked to pee into a cu p. I mean, there’s a lot of people out there who will pay good money to see that so they should as least offer to pay and b)You shouldn’t be eating too much at a fast food chicken joint. You should try to eat a little healthier; y’know, fir the baaaaby.

    • Yes, I should probably mention that Kaiser is a hospital for the readers who don’t live in California.

      And I would definitely recommend steering clear of any restaurant that asks for a cup of your urine.

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