Yeah, so, last night David and I saw “Spamalot” at the Golden Gate Theatre, located on the corner of Crack and Meth streets, errr, I mean, on the corner of 6th Street and Golden Gate Avenue.
Man oh man, I hate that area. Hate it! I’m so embarrassed for San Francisco. All of these wonderful Broadway shows come here and play the Golden Gate Theatre, Orpheum Theatre or the Curran Theatre, and they play in the absolute worst part of the city. All of these actors, musicians, etc., must be horrified when they are making their ways to the theater.
I think it is so sad that you pay $50 or more for a ticket to a high-quality Broadway-type show and there is no where near the theater to get a drink or have dinner. Instead, the area is besieged by every random druggie, homeless person and undiagnosed crazy in Northern California. Not that you have an appetite anyway. The urine smell pretty much takes care of that.
A few years ago, good buddy Kate and I saw Conan O’Brien when he did a week of shows at the Orpheum Theatre. I was so ashamed. He did several jokes about how crappy the area is. “How do you get to the Orpheum Theatre? You walk three blocks until you get stabbed and then you make a left.”
I used to work in that area. The Examiner had an office above the Warfield Theatre on the corner of 6th and Market streets. I had so much empathy for the people in the neighborhood at first. I would give them change, and even be polite when they “addressed” me. Slowly, they broke me down. They would practically chase me to my car. The harassment was too much. I became cold to them. I could feel my heart turning to stone. I hated that feeling. There were many nights that I drove home from work late at night and I would tear up thinking about how cold and indifferent I had become. I wanted to understand. These are human beings, after all. I hated having to harden up my soul just to walk to work. Eventually, I refused to make eye contact. I walked briskly to the office and back to the car. I never, EVER turned my head when they yelled, “Hey Red! Check this out!” You’ve seen one crazy druggie penis, you’ve seen them all. Trust me.
Seriously, San Francisco should be ashamed of itself for allowing an area of the city to be this way. I don’t know what can be done to fix it. Clearly, these people need help. You can’t just sweep them under the rug (or into a Millbrae).
Be careful, don’t trip on my soapbox.
So anyway, as for “Spamalot,” it was — of course — funny. We were in the cheap seats. I think there were two rows behind us. But we still had a good time. For the first couple of scenes, I kept thinking, “Oh yeah, that’s funny. I remember that from the movie. Boy, the movie is funny. I wish I was watching the movie.” The musical really kicked in for me when they get their quest. That’s when I really started laughing. Also, I could watch the French guards taunting King Arthur for two hours. When is that musical coming out?
She’s always talking about how “crazy” her life is being married to a rock star and raising two kids. Hey, Gwyneth! Try being married with kids and actually having to work for a living! And by “work,” I mean a 9 to 5 job that requires, you know, working; not standing around looking beautiful and repeating lines that other people wrote for you. As I watch friends and family working hard to keep their family together and happy with a roof over their heads, I get annoyed when someone who was born into a rich and privileged life whines.
I miss my Atari 2600. I want to go home and play “Adventure.”
Dear Gov. Mark Sanford,
Dear Doritos,




“Oh my god! You know what would be, like, totally awesome? Let’s dress the same and get wasted at the beer festival before the A’s game. Then we can walk around the game, channeling our, like, inner Amy Winehouse with our wife-beater tank tops. … Hey, let’s stand in a really long food line and hang all over the poor, unsuspecting guy in front of us, who just really wants a barbecue pulled pork sandwich. … Wait, we’ve been in this line for like 20 minutes and I just realized that they don’t have nachos! OMG! I’m so wasted! I haven’t been this drunk since I agreed to be shot for ‘Girls Gone Wild.’ … Hey, after this we should go to that bar that we went to that one time and sing some karaoke. I’m in the mood to sing some Pink songs. … After that, I’m going to drink some more then I’m going to get mad at you for something stupid and yell at you. Then I will start crying and hugging you and telling you how much I love you. Then I’m going to hook up with some guy I don’t know, because I’m insecure and I think any male attention is good attention. Later, I will learn that I have chlamydia … again! … Hey, you know what would be awesome? If we got drunk before the Nickelback concert …“





