The Sonia Show

Warning: This show contains nerdy humor, cartoon violence and foul language.


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Want to make me disappear from your party? Invite a magician

Yeah, so, magicians are creepy.

OK, fine. Maybe not all magicians, but most magicians are creepy. I mean, if David wanted to go see David Copperfield or Penn & Teller something I would laugh at him, and then I would go with him because I’m a good sport. Also, because the magician would be up on a stage and far away from me. So, yeah, basically, it has to do with proximity. I don’t want a magician near me. I don’t want to talk to someone who wants to trick me. Pass.

Also, please take note, magicians are not to be confused with wizards. Wizards are cool.

Maybe 14 or 15 years ago, I was single. I was single for a long time, and one of the few remaining singles in my group of friends. I went to a party at a friend’s house, and there was another single man at the party. Everyone kept saying, “Sonia, have you met Barry yet? He’s single.” This was clearly a set up. Awkward. Eventually, Barry made his way over to me and he said, “Pick a card,” and he had a deck of cards.

Seriously.

I couldn’t leave that party fast enough. The next day I told my friends they were assholes, who clearly didn’t know me at all, or they would have never tried to set me up with a magician. A magician!

OK, so, on Saturday The Kid’s preschool had a little party. There was a bouncy house and food. We showed up, and The Kid immediately clings to David. Parties are not his thing. I think he was a little overwhelmed, and also afraid that we were dropping him off at preschool on a Saturday.

We made our way through the party, and The Kid made a straight shot to the popcorn machine like it was an open bar at a wedding. He truly is his mother’s son. I am a popcorn fiend. Also, I like open bars.

We got our bags of popcorn and found a comfortable spot to stuff our faces, kinda off to the side of the party. We chatted with a few parents. It was a little awkward. Their kids are jumping in the bouncy house, and our kid just wants to sit on the steps, eat popcorn and give people dirty looks. We’re different.

Playhouse and popcorn!

Playhouse and popcorn!

So, we were sitting on a bench attached to a little playhouse off to the side of the party, when an older gentleman walked up and asked David to help him set up a big suitcase, which David did. “Are you a musician?” David asked. “No, I’m a magician.”

NO. ONE. TOLD. ME. THERE. WAS. GOING. TO. BE. A. MAGICIAN.

At that point, the party was pretty much over for me. No amount of delicious popcorn was worth it … but I felt we should stay for Calvin. Maybe he would like it.

Ugh. Sometimes parenting sucks.

The magician left our secluded area and spoke with the preschool administrator, and then she came over to us, asking us to leave this area so the magician could set up. He didn’t want us to see him setting up his tricks. Oh brother.

We went to another secluded area until showtime. David and Calvin took a seat at the far end of the “stage” and I stayed on the other side, closest to the exit. Also, there were pillars I could hide behind.

The magician started his “act,” and the kids were into it. Calvin could care less. He was wandering back and forth and chatting with David. After a few minutes, David motioned for me to join them. I shook my head. He motioned again. Ugh. I ran across in front of the “stage.” This got the magician’s attention. “Excuse me, miss. How many times should I tap the box?”

Nightmare.

He asked me again.

“Four,” I replied quickly and gave David the crazy eyes.

“And what’s your name?

I don’t want to engage with him at all. There are 50 kids here, all begging to feel special and be called on by the magician. Leave me out of it.

“Sonia,” I sighed.

“Well, Sonia, let’s tap the box four times.”

He asked me something else but I don’t remember what, I just shook my head like, “Stop talking to me.”

After a few more minutes, Calvin was clearly not interested. He was running back and forth, and he wanted to sit on the little bench attached to the playhouse which is off to the side of the stage, and a little behind the magician. Calvin proudly took his seat on the bench and the magician told us to return him to his seat in the audience.

Seriously, weirdo. He’s 2.5 years old with a speech delay. He’s not going to give away your “secrets.” Also, if you are looking for an attentive audience, might I suggest not performing for toddlers? They are not exactly known for their sitting still and paying attention skills. Also, stop being a magician. Magicians are creepy.

Now you see us, and now you don’t! Right after that, we scooped up Calvin and left the party. As we were walking to the car, David said, “Ha ha! The magician talked to you. This is going to be a blog post.”


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Sir Hugs A Lot

Yeah, so, the other day one of The Kid’s preschool teachers pulled me aside and asked how we handle timeouts at home — like does he have a chair he sits in or does he go to his room, etc. Immediately, I was thinking, “Oh god! He hit a kid or a bit a kid or something.”

Turns out it’s the opposite of that. The teacher explained that Calvin has a friend at school who is smaller than him, and Calvin will hug him too hard to the point where they have to break it up.

That’s right, you guys. My son loves too much.

I told her that we have a similar problem with Calvin and the dog: “Not that I’m comparing someone’s child to our dog, but …” But, I totally was.

Check out this hipster.

Check out this fuckin’ hipster. He used to watch “Thomas the Tank Engine” before it was cool.


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David is more prime rib than man now

Yeah, so, on Sunday, mighty, mighty good man David and I got dressed up and met good buddies Jess and Jeff for dinner at the House of Prime Rib.

I know. We’re so fancy.

I know. We’re so fancy.

That place is so awesome. They carve the meat right at your table, and it comes with creamed spinach and a loaded baked potato. They also make the salad right at your table, and you have your choice of dressing, and by “choice” I mean Thousand Island or Thousand Island.

David ordered the biggest piece of meat I’ve ever seen. It’s like the meat Fred Flintstone orders and it tips over his car. See?

meat

MEAT!

That’s a lot of meat, right? Well, here’s the thing … he ate all of it. AND THEN, the waitress offered him a complimentary extra slice, and he ate that, too!

David is more prime rib than man now.

Funny story: David was a vegetarian for seven years.


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Everything is awesome

Yeah, so, you know how mighty, mighty good man David and I like beer? We do. We like it a lot.

Well, we contributed to a Kickstarter for a friend’s new taproom in Oakland. And, because we contributed we got our name painted on the floor. Well, not our name, but our family nickname.

themanstracys

Yes, we refer to ourselves as the MansTracys, and yes, we are goobers.

What I’m trying to say is if I’m not at home and I’m not in my cube, you’ll probably find me at The Good Hop standing by my name, looking fancy and drinking a tasty adult beverage. If you live in the Bay Area, you should go check it out. It’s a great place with a nice variety of beer on tap, and entire wall of beer in coolers — one of which is dedicated to sour beers. I know, right?!

Beer side note: We are always trying new beer, and if you are interested, I track my beer consumption on my Instagram and Untappd. You should follow me, or don’t … whatever. I’m cool. *flips up collar of leather jacket and hits a jukebox*

Speaking of cool, we watched “The Lego Movie” last week. I know what you thinking, “Oh, you watched the Lego Movie with your son.”

David and I watched “The Lego Movie” without our kid last week. And then we watched it again this week … without our kid. And now we’re kinda obsessed with it, and we’ve been singing “Everything Is Awesome” for a week straight. We’re awful to be around. Consider yourself warned.

The movie is really funny. Seriously. It was funnier the second time. Do you know how often I re-watch a movie these days? Never! I don’t have time to watch one movie let alone re-watch something, because baseball season. I highly recommend “The Lego Movie.” It’s way funnier than you think it’s going to be. Of course, take my review with a ginormous grain of salt, because I’m the lady who gave “Jackass: The Movie” a four-star review.

jackassDVD

There was a character in the movie that I really identified with: UniKitty. This is me at work.

businessbusiness unikittyworking

I can’t believe I’m not running the company by now.


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Smart and handsome

Yeah, so, The Kid’s preschool is closed this week, so I’m skipping work and trying to take him on little adventures around San Francisco.

Tuesday, I took him to get a haircut, which is an awesome adventure, and by awesome I mean, stressful. He cries the entire time. I was able to lessen the crying by showing him a video of himself on my phone. He’s so vain. He probably thinks this blog is about him.

handsomehaircut

He’s single, ladies. Line starts to the left.

After the traumatic haircut, we went to Crissy Fields, which is an amazing beach with a beautiful view of the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and you have to wear a sweatshirt to the beach in June, because San Francisco.

beachbridge

Taking it to the bridge.

beach-calvinme

Beach selfie.

Wednesday, we went to the San Francisco Zoo, in which we saw – maybe – two animals – and spent the rest of the time in their big, fancy playground. Fine by me. I go to the zoo for Calvin, and if he wants to spend the entire time on the swing and playing in the sandbox like he can at any other park in San Francisco instead of gawking at the animals that’s cool with me. I have a feeling he will be all about the animals in about another year or so. Plus, the zoo has soft serve ice cream, so no worries.

The trip to the zoo also resulted in a 2.5 hour nap, so … GO ZOO!

So, yeah, as you, my tens of readers, are aware, The Kid is trying to catch up to his peers, talking-wise. After almost a year of not being able to hear, Calvin’s language skills is, not surprisingly, lacking when compared to other kids his age. However, he is making remarkable progress!

He is starting to say a ton of words and sentences. He is starting to repeat things we say. For example, he spilled a cup of water the other day and I said, “Oh honey!” He turned to me and said, “Oh honey!” Then I heard him say it again to Thomas the Tank Engine when he got into an accident and spilled his load (Hehehehe, I said, “load”) on the cartoon. This means I really need to start watching my fuckin’ mouth. I swear a lot. Plus, today at the zoo when we were getting ready to leave he said, “I’m not finished,” which means he will be sassing me in public in no time, right?

Mighty, mighty good man David took an adorable video of Calvin reading “Goodnight Moon” to himself. There’s still some babbling in there, but you can hear the words. What I’m trying to say is, my boy is reading, and he’s practically a genius.

This second video is photobombed by Homer, which makes it worth watching.


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I’m picking out a thermos for you

Yeah, so, The Kid has developed this strange bedtime habit. He likes to bring all kinds of random stuff to bed with him.

He already has three blankets in his crib. Some nights he goes to bed with three books. Some nights he goes to bed wearing his hat and sunglasses. Some nights he goes to bed with three blankets, a hoodie and a washcloth. Some nights he goes to bed with his hat, “Goodnight Moon” and a container of wipes.

Every night it’s something different. And every night we sneak back into his room around 10 p.m. and carefully take everything out of the crib and place it on the nearby dresser.

We don’t care what he takes to bed with him as long as he goes to sleep. I have no idea if this is unusual behavior for a toddler or not.  I mean, I get it, kid. I’ve taken some strange things to bed, too. Ha ha! Get it? I’m joking that I used to be a whore who slept with questionable men. I don’t need anyone to slut shame me. I can just do it myself. Thank you very much.

glassesboy

So, my dear readers with spawns of your own, do they also take random things to bed with them?

 


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Down with the sickness

Yeah, so, our household is down with the sickness.

I spent my weekend trapped under a sick toddler. How was your weekend?

This past weekend, we were all sick. The Kid was sick. Mighty, mighty good man David was sick. I was sick. Only the one in the house who wasn’t sick was the dog, Homer. Lucky dog.

I'm totally healthy!

I’m totally healthy, and this is the best weekend of my life.

Since we were all sick, we spent the entire weekend trapped in our house, which is about as fun as it sounds. Let’s look at the bright side of this situation:

  • We didn’t spend any money.
  • We got to watch all the baseball.
  • We got to spend quality time together as a family. (Hahahahahahahaha)
Meds.

Meds.

The downside?

  • We watched a ton of “Thomas the Tank Engine” on Netflix streaming. [Be on the lookout for a full blog post about “Thomas” in the near future. I have thoughts.]
  • Cough syrup is not as tasty as a beer.
  • WE WERE SICK.

I’m impressed that we were able to make it through the weekend without driving each other completely nuts. It’s a lot to ask of a toddler to hang out in the house with his folks all weekend long. He was going stir crazy, for sure. We tried to occupy his mind with more than just Thomas the Tank Engine. We tried iPad games. We don’t let The Kid spend a lot of time on the iPad or our phones. In fact, he doesn’t really know how to use them at all, so this was all new to him. Big thanks to Marie from “Cheaper Than Therapy” for the “Endless Alphabet” app recommendation. It was an educational way to kill a little time.

homerslumberparty

Some psycho is stalking their slumber party!

I talk about being sick a lot, huh? Sorry about that.

Here’s a rant for you: On Monday night I wanted to order some Thai food delivery, because I thought some spicy food would be good for us, and by “us” I mean David and myself. Calvin only wants to eat chicken, pasta and toast these days. Maybe he’s on some special diet that I don’t know about that he read in Us Weekly. Well, it’s working. He looks great. He will get back to his original weight of 9 pounds, 1 ounce in no time.

So, I placed the order around 7:45 p.m., knowing that the food wouldn’t arrive until 8:45 p.m. Guess what time the food arrived? 10 p.m. 10 P.M.! And that’s after we called the restaurant and the fine folks at GrubHub to complain. (GrubHub was super cool about it and kicked us a $25 credit for our next order.)

When the delivery guy finally showed up, he said, “Sorry. We were really busy.”

Don’t care, dude. A lot of restaurants are busy, but they still deliver their food on time or — gee — kinda close to on time. I call bullshit on that excuse. I can’t believe the restaurant, Sweet Basil Thai in the Mission, is busy, because the food was bland. Thai food should never be bland. If that crap restaurant is busy, then they should consider themselves lucky, because there are a ton of awesome places to eat in San Francisco. I chose poorly. I wish I had an extra set of hands so I could give that restaurant four thumbs down.


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Having a nasty cough is so hot right now

Yeah, so, remember when I wrote about how I was sick nine days ago? It turns out the nasty cough has taken up residence in my lungs, and it has no plans to leave. And I, for one, do not welcome my new cough overlord, so I’m drinking another hot toddy to kill it and blogging.

Wheeee.

This cough has given me a raspy, some might even say sexy, voice that is going over really well in the office. Maybe it’s good timing, because work has been frustrating, and I’ve been having to get my bitch on. My raspy voice is probably the little sugar that makes the medicine go down, or whatever that stupid saying is.

Here’s a little quiz I’m thinking about having some folks at work take:

Is Sonia having it?

a) Sonia is having it.
b) Sonia is not having it.

Hint: The answer is b.

bitches

I understand that work is work that’s why it’s called “work” and not “super happy fun time.” Truth is I don’t usually let work upset me, because, really, work is just work. It’s my job to make money. I do care, and I take great pride in my work, but it’s not my life. My life is my family and my friends. But still, I’m frustrated with work right now.

Ugh.

Let’s talk about something cuter …

So, The Kid is really into accessorizing these days. The other day he wore a hat to preschool.

hatguy

 

Today, he wore sunglasses.

sunglasses

 

At home, he has become very obsessed with our glasses.

readingglasses

Both of The Kid’s parents wear glasses, and he doesn’t, but he wants to be like us because he’s 2.5 years old and doesn’t know any better, so – of course – he wants to wear glasses, too. He will learn soon enough that he doesn’t want to be like his parents, because we’re dorks. In the meantime, we will revel in the fact that our spawn thinks we’re the shit.


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I think Rick Perry just came out

Yeah, so, Gov. Rick Perry was in San Francisco last night, where he really won over the crowd comparing being gay to being an alcoholic.

Smooth move, Rick Perry. I imagine he ended his speech with “I hope the Los Angeles Dodgers sweep the San Francisco Giants” before dropping the mic and saying, “Peace out, Frisco!”

Obviously, everyone freaked out, but I think everyone is misinterpreting the story. Here’s a quote from SFGate.com.

“I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way,” he said.

Sounds to me like he just came out, you guys.

Or maybe he was joking. I mean, no one would really think being gay is the same thing as being an alcoholic, right? Only an idiot would think that, and Rick Perry isn’t an idiot. I mean, look at his smart glasses. Only smart people were glasses.

"I'm totally not dumb, you guys. I wear glasses and shit."

“I’m totally not dumb, you guys. I wear glasses and shit.”


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Oh hi

Yeah, so, Friday afternoon my body crapped out on me, and I’ve been sick ever since.

It’s some sort of random flu that started with on and off nausea on Friday, followed by body aches and a daylong headache on Saturday, and then just nausea and a nasty, gross cough. Wheeee.

The occasional nausea reminded me of baby poisoning, but no, I’m not pregnant. At least I hope not, because I am sipping on a really big hot toddy in the hopes of curing my cough. I might have a second one. It may not cure my cough, but for a little while I might forget I have one.

Ugh. Sorry. There is nothing so boring as someone talking about their case of the flu. Let’s talk about something else.

Hey, you want to see some cute videos of my spawn? Cool!

I predict the last video will be your favorite, because it features The Boy running around The Ego Room in my parents house. You can play spot the dead animal. It’s a fun drinking game. Play it sometime.

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