I picked this week’s “Sonia Show Classic” because I talk about my parents’ marriage quite a bit in it. Also, considering that I just celebrated five years with my mighty, mighty good man David, it seems appropriate to share this column written by college-age Sonia about the signs you found your soul mate.
Seriously, I didn’t know jack shit about soul mates or relationships, but I thought I did. LOL girls in their 20s.
So anyway, without further adieu, this week’s “Sonia Show Classic:” “On the prowl for the perfect match.”
I’m oversleeping again.
My biological clock is going off again, and I just keep hitting the snooze bar. “Five more years. Just give me five more years.”
At 19, my parents were married (so they say) and starting a family. At 19, I was trying to figure out the words to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and bitching about how I was never going to score. Well, some things never change.
I’m not ready for marriage and motherhood anyway, so it’s probably a good thing that I can’t score. I’d be a crappy mom. “I’m going to get my can of whoop-ass if you don’t leave mommy alone. Now beat it.”
Yeah, so, I’d be a crappy mom. But I’m sure the kid’s father wouldn’t exactly be a treat either. But, eh, what can you do? After the divorce I would only see him at the designated drop-off point on Fridays for his weekly visitation rights anyway, so what do I care?
I guess I just can’t comprehend the fact that at 19 my parents knew they wanted to be together forever. I can’t even make a commitment to a pay cable channel. Right now, I’m pretty monogamous to HBO. But I’ve been scoping out Cinemax.
How do you know if someone is The One? The one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I wish people were like Garanimals. I could just walk around with a tag tied to my foot with a zebra or a penguin on it, and all I needed to do was find someone with a matching tag. “Dude, you’re a zebra. Hey, I’m a zebra, too.” Then you would know that you have a perfect match and you were meant to be together forever, or at least until you fade. Oh why couldn’t we be born with tags?
Well, until we get tags, all I have are theories of how I will know if someone is The One. You know the person you are with is The One if:
- They are still interested in you after finding out your hobby is looking for things that are not in the Pacific Bell Yellow Pages.
- She loves you even though you are a Republican and a member of a frat.
- In a jealous rage, he’d murder you and your male companion, plead innocent and then bore the whole country with his goddamn trial, giving Jay Leno enough jokes to last his entire career, but still not making him funny.
- She loves it when you call her “ass” in public.
- He’ll hold your purse for you, even if his friend are standing around making fun of him.
- She didn’t laugh at you when you cried during “Free Willy 2.”
- They will still kiss you even though you just ate a whole, raw onion with a tuna salad chaser.
- The only thing you ever fight over is who’s funnier: Beavis or Butthead.
- He’d rub your feet after a hard day’s work, even if you wore leather shoes all day with no socks.
- If you wore a T-shirt that says, “He’s my gimp” with an arrow pointing at him, he would wear a shirt that says, “Damn straight I’m her gimp.”
- He doesn’t laugh at you when he notices you own Rick Springfield’s “Working Class Dog” on vinyl and 8-track.
- They don’t get mad when you cheat off them in class.
- They totally understand when you say, “Valerie’s a slut. Donna’s a dumbass. And you are going to kick Ray’s wussy-boy ass.”
- When she calls you a “fat, lazy bastard,” she puts it in such a nice way.
- You are addicted to caffeine, tobacco and crank, but he thinks you are “so laid back.”